First Breakup

[Durand]

I was with my girlfriend that I met in high school for 6 years and I loved her to bits. I couldn't have been any happier with her and everything about her made me so happy. Even her faults did not bother me in the slightest. She was my best friend.

She broke up with me out of the blue and I feel really ambushed, betrayed and abandoned. We've been growing together and she became part of me completely. I feel as if I have genuinely lost half of myself and that I'm not longer whole. I feel that I lost my motivations, my goals, my interests, things that make me happy, everything is just.. empty. Everything was with her, about her.

She said that she needed to talk to me and it just happened. She listed reasons and how she felt and I was completely blindsided. I didn't get angry. I didn't get suspicious of there being another person. I just.. consoled her and listened. I've been doing a lot of introspection into myself and what happened.

I found that I've failed myself and what matters most to me.
There's so much that I haven't been doing. No being mature, helping enough in the unit with shouldering my share of responsibilities. Not showing my love for her and spending time with her to make her feel wanted and loved. Not doing better in so many things that I WANTED to do but... just didn't.

She had spoken before with me about some concerns she had.. I just didn't do enough, I didn't understand or see it.
It hits me that I failed, that we didn't communicate properly. That we didn't tell each other exactly how we felt and more importantly how we can help each other.
There's so many hard lessons to take away that are burned into me. Mutual failings between us.

To my great shame I read her journal and it spoke of her wanting to break up for almost a year. This really hurt me. I trusted her and never suspected anything. She never said anything about these thoughts. Its become clear to me that she has been on a knife edge of loving me and how I really made her happy. That she didn't want to miss out on life and experience more.

I don't blame her.
I can see her character weaknesses, things that I wish I could take away, help her with, support her; but I can't. She is uncertain what she wants. She has growing to do and so do I.

I've learnt a lot about myself, who I am, what I lack. I'm a deeply affectionate person, now I feel alone and unloved. I can't even talk to my best friend. All I can do is wait for the pain subside.
 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Durand, & welcome to the forum.

It's tough losing your first love. Nothing can take away the pain of that.

You can learn a lot from the experience, & grow & mature into your adulthood. & I think you can & will learn so much.

Try to not be so hard on yourself. Deep & intimate relationships between individuals are so complicated, it's mind boggling. In truth, you both might have done some things differently.

I've not had much experience being in healthy relationships, so I will leave this for others with more insight to comment. I just wanted to say 'hello'😺

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

you had been going out with this person for some time and now that you have broken up you mention feeling alone. This is a natural feeling to have. A person you have spent time with is not around now, and seems to be a hole in your like to be filled.

Relationships are a two-way street and I hope she would have more than just drop hints. If not, there maybe reasons and not necessarily a reflection on you.

I might suggest you search the forum for other stories on breakup and how they dealt with it (plus the replies from others).

Is there anyone you can talk to about what happened? Family? Friends?

Listening to you

[Croix]

Dear Durand~

As others have said, one's first love is special, and does remain with you . I can clearly remember mine from well over 1/2 a century ago. That does not mean the pain remains, as other events and people come into your life that becomes less sharp and eventually subsides - regrets and all.

There is a temptation to regard the other person as a fixed image in you mind, frozen in time, but they change and become a different person just as you are doing.

You did say "All I can do is wait for the pain subside" which is not quite true. Basically you now have a lot more to offer as a result of this break-up. It has given you the wisdom you lacked and you can now see the importance of things you had at least partly dismissed. You have come to realise any relationship, no matter how loving and compatible does take effort.

So you now have a lot more to offer another, and if they are insightful they will see that and be attracted to it. They'll also see your affectionate nature.

Rather than just blame yourself (or your ex) think on the fact your ex remained with you long after doubts appeared. One does not do that with someone wholly unattractive.

Can I suggest you go out of you way to have a social life, plus do all the the things you enjoy and help you get out of yourself?

Do you have anyone you can discuss this with who will care but not try to 'fix things'? That might help too, trying to deal with this in isolation can be hard.

We would like to know how you get on

Croix

[Jack_Falco]

Hi Durand,

How are you travelling since the time of your post? I hope you are healing and looking after yourself. You wrote really viscerally about your experience and you should be proud at owning your emotions. You are accountable too. You mentioned you read your ex's journal, which you knew wasn't right, and you acknowledged it. I think you will grow as a person and this experience on a longer timeline will prove to be a positive one for you. On a longer timeline you will cherish memories of the good times you had with your ex. The chapter of that relationship has closed now and I can feel from your words you are in a lot of pain, but treat yourself, give yourself the love you gave her. You will prevail. If I can help you through chatting here, please let me know. I have been through this pain, several times unfortunately. Take care