First Breakup and Heartbreak

[JB01]

My girlfriend of over 2 years ended our relationship almost 2 months ago and I'm still crying everyday about it. Distractions only work short term and every morning, night or moment I'm alone, I cant help but sob. We travelled the world together and spoke about a family.

I'm feeling guilty over the mistakes I made and I feel like I did not give her the love she deserved. All I think about it how I would have done everything different. I didn't realise how much I loved her. Now so much reminds me of her and everyday my heart aches and yearns for her.

I could see she was pulling away 4 months before she broke it off but she couldn't explain to me how I could make it better. I kept getting frustrated when I would make changes and then it wouldn't change how she felt and this probably pushed her away further. We had poor communication. She explained things I did that made her upset and I apologised for it. 

I did try to be better - I did make changes. But it wasn't enough. In trying to save the relationship, I became more like her and took on her interests and traits. This has all lead to be feeling like I've lost so much of myself.

Everyday I remember something I said or did which may have contributed to the way she ultimately felt about me and I feel sick. I could go on forever about the rabbit holes of thoughts I've had. I wish I took her out more, I wish I bought her gifts more, I wish I was more patient with her, I wish I did things different. Then maybe we would still be together. I also wish she told me what I was doing wrong so I could have worked on it.

I still miss her so much. I still love her so much. But she has made it clear that she is no longer interested in continuing the relationship. I sent her a letter a week after the breakup going over all my thoughts and apologising for everything I felt I did wrong. She sent a text saying she' doesn't hold anything against me' and that she 'didn't breakup with me because I'm a terrible person'. This helps to hear but I still cant shake the feelings of guilt and regret over mistakes.

I talk to my parents about the way I feel and they have been helpful but are getting impatient as I'm still a mess over the whole thing and I don't want to drag them down with me. I just want to get better and move on but letting go her and the regret, guilt, sadness and memories is proving too hard. Im so scared to see her move on with someone else. I'm scared Ill never find anyone like her. I'm tired everyday from thinking.

[indigo22]

Hi JB01,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out, I am so sorry you have had such a long wait for a reply. What you are going through is really tough the first time it happens and at the moment I am sure it feels like you will never get over the loss, but you will, with more time.

In my experience, people (I am also talking about friends) come into our life for a purpose, sometimes for a short time, sometimes longer, but there is usually something to learn from that interaction either for you or for the other person. The younger you are, usually the shorter time relationships last because you are still learning who you are and what you are looking for from life. In the space of 2 years that can change for one or the other. We all do a lot of growing in the early stages of being in relationships, sometimes we grow together at the same pace, other times the growth of one person is faster than the other. Think of it as "our relationship is what I needed when we first met, but now that I have grown, there is something else that I need from a relationship that ours cannot support. It is not anyone's fault, she likely still cares about you but there is something different she needs from life now. No amount of trying to change yourself would have made a difference, and that is not what you are meant to do anyway. You should always be yourself in a relationship or friendship, you can learn from mistakes and do your best not to make them again, but trying to change the core of who you are will never work. I promise you will love again, and when you do, remember to be yourself, be caring, thoughtful, and kind but most of all be yourself.

I hope this helps a little, if you want to talk some more, come back to this post.

Take care,

indigo22

[Richju]

Dear JB01

I'm so sorry you are having such sadness over your breakup and I agree with everything indigo22 has said.

It's natural to blame yourself but I find, in your case, there seems to be an excess of guilt and I wonder if counselling might help. The Beyond Blue counsellors are excellent and you can usually talk to them immediately.

Like you, I was devestated by my first breakup and experienced the same thoughts about never finding another but counselling helped me understand why I took it so hard.

You are courageous to have posted and I hope you will continue to do so. We are here to listen and support you through this difficult time.

Please take care.

Warmest regards,

Richju