FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Family split a realistic approach

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

This Xmas has been a sad occasion with a family divide prior to Christmas day that resulted in half our family not attending our day.

 

I've noticed from others posts over the years the natural tendency to allow emotions to rule decision making. The mere thought of "losing" family members from our lives is often too much to bare. I believe we should exercise a "cross the line" approach which doesnt alleviate the pain but makes the road ahead clearer.

 

If the family argument is contained to a fixable level between the parties directly involved then allow it to run its course, miss one xmas if it takes that. However some behaviours can escalate quickly and if those actions are intolerable and likely to reoccur, then as in my case the hard decision must be made, to distance oneself from those that lack the basics of compassion, forgiveness and the like.

 

Creating distance- I actually come from an "all or nothing" family- in your life or totally out of it. Any withdrawal will be seen as an abandonment and fear of abandonment is a part of the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) ingredients. However, you can perform partial disconnect eg stay in touch once or twice a year. If that is seen as full disowning then frankly that is their problem.

 

This "their problem" concept is just as interesting. If you have identified what parts of a dispute is attained to yourself, owned it, apologised for it and so on then dont fall for anyones attempt to lay blame upon you. Separation of fault is most important to find clarity. Identify "tit for tatt" and treat it for just that, miniscule expansion of the real issues. Family could resort to triangulation involving one or more into the argument and place those loyal persons at the frontline support rather than sideline support where it is more effective and doesnt directly involve them.

 

Toxic family members are not always liveable, they might need to be distanced and thats ok if it means your mental health is preserved. It'll still be a grief period but you'll live in peace, hopefully. If you have sort treatment for your mental health issues then it isnt reasonable for others to do the same if their behaviour is toxic. Be firm, fair, kind and realistic. Emotions alone wont solve problems

 

TonyWK

3 Replies 3

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Tony

I'm sorry problems between some family member & others have meant you have had a sad Christmas. I trust you are clear in your mind about the possible, 'best for you' option available for you & knowing what that is helped you decide what to do for yourself.

As you seemed to suggest, sometimes you simply have to let those disputing people work out their differences, for good or ill, & get on with doing something for yourself, to preserve your own mental health, to not have your own emotions pulled about & messed about.

Maybe finding something else to do to celebrate Christmas - something that gives you pleasure, meaningful, something in the community, maybe?

A couple times, I have attended a community lunch, with people from all around, various backgrounds, all anonymous; no questions asked. People had volunteered their time to create these events, setting up, decorating the place & tables, preparing food, serving it to everyone & helping out as needed. It was so warm & welcoming, my usual anxiety about being in noisy groups dissolved those days.

What do you reckon?? 

Anyway, here's to wishing you a happier & healthier New Year, Tony, with hugzies, from,

mmMekitty

 

Thankyou so much

 

In the end we had xmas, myself, my wife, my daughter and her husband. It went extremely well.

 

I think I'll find it very difficult to liase at all with the 3 members of my family that I believe have caused this conflict and I'm taking my time to see what feelings I have about it all.

 

Thankyou, I'm positive about 2023

TonyWK

Hi Tony .

Yep best thing and what more could you ask than a beautiful xmas with your own family anyway.

Our were always just beautiful and still are with me and my daughter and sometimes just one or two others right here at home and back when over at our other place.

 

lronically the very sister that gave me all that invented in her own head grief and upset me for days before and through xmas , went along to the family one we were going to. Well she got drunk and started yelling and arguing with everyone until1am and totally ruined it for everyone there but worse so for my BIL - who was the one holding Christmas this yr. She went of her nut at him too later on and that was the till 1am part. l actually warned him only a wk before be careful having her around. l'm cutting all contact with her for good. last l spoke to her was 2yrs earlier and she did exactly the same thing that time too. l only called her again this time hoping to smooth things over but just got more of the same- never again.

 

Anyway , we stayed home and had the best roast we've ever made , it was an absolute master piece- and a beautiful peaceful day.

rx