Deeply struggling after my fiancé took his own life - what helped you

[Descendinggal]

I stumbled onto this forum after googling others that lost a fiance, so now I’m here and maybe there’s support and guidance here for me too.

I’m struggling a lot with this loss and I really feel like no one truely understands the depth of loss I’m going through - nor do I think a counsellor will because how can u ever understand if ur not in it. Loosing someone in your 30s that you were about to marry and have children with is so complex. I’ve lost my soul mate, unborn children, our envisioned future, my best friend and confidant. The world feels dark and uncertain. While I know nothing is permanent to have him gone at this age in this way is so hard to accept. Even though we had our own hobbies etc we were so deeply connected and I don’t know who I am anymore, what my purpose is, what my identity is.

People say things which I know are from a good place like that because I’m young I have so much light ahead of me. That I’ll meet someone else. That I could still be a mum and get married but they don’t understand that just because I’m young it doesn’t just give me hope on a platter. He was my soulmate and the idea of moving forward makes me feel sick. They wouldn’t say it to a older widow so why me?

I wish he was here with me. Physically here. I imagine him in every empty chair next to me, in the empty space in my bed and I look around at those saying “we have to move forward now” and all I can think is... easy for you to say you have your partner with you to console you while you grieve, you get to go back home and be together.

My heart aches so much, every day it aches even more. I don’t know how it’s possible.
I stay awake as long as I can because the mornings I wake with incredible pain and I try to put that off as long as possible.

I've lost my sense of purpose. I thought the next phase was being a wife and a mum and that got taken away. So even my work feels like why am I bothering because I started my business to prepare us for family life, that was my purpose not the work itself. I’m so so lost.

they say it all takes time. I’m not sure when to ride the wave and when to push. Time hurts. It’s like a nightmare everyday, a dark Groundhog Day.

what helped you?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry for your loss.

The problem with people saying things to you is that they can't really say anything else. It's difficult for them to console and support. What can they do?

I lost my brother in 1978 and an uncle in 2002 both to suicide. My sister and I made an attempt. It's more common than we realise with the annual numbers greater than the road toll.

We c asnt sugarcoat it, your grief will continue until you are ready to move on, it will be your timeline, no one else.

Keeping occupied can help. If you fall in a heap let it out then bounce back. My neighbour planted a rose garden in memory of his son. Perhaps a scrap book? Photo album?

I hope you recovery and live a happy life. Eventually it will come.

TonyWK

[LilSpark]

Hi Descendinggal,

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, both of your fiancé and as you’ve said - your future hopes and dreams planned together .

Whilst I have lost good friends and relatives to suicide, and close family members attempt, I cannot possibly begin to imagine your pain and loss. I think this would be difficult for many people to imagine, however I’m sure that every comment or gesture is sent to you with the best intentions to help you. Focus on the intent and the action of the person offering condolence and that will help you get through the feelings you have of people not understanding your total loss.

one other piece of advice I could offer you is to allow yourself some time everyday to sit and process your thoughts and feelings.

you could write them down in a journal, or just even with a coffee in a comfortable space, and in your own head allow space to think.

I have found that feelings of grief often catch you off guard or at times that are unexpected - such as our doing the grocery shop!

by allowing yourself time for you, eventually you will see that the overwhelming level of grief will subside to a level where you can begin to process the grief on your own terms.

I hope that makes sense, and sending you lots of positivity xo

[geoff]

Hello Descendinggal, my heartfelt condolences for your loss and no one can feel such pain as you are struggling with, the soulmate you wanted to build a family with and plan for the future, is unable to share your future with, that must hurt and leaves a hole you can't fill, I am so deeply sorry.

No one at all wants to lose someone they deeply love and the feeling is different when it happens to you, rather than another person, and at one point you feel that you may have fully moved past this, then suddenly it’s right back in front of you, so the memories and the pain returns, only to fill you with sadness, but it's greater than that, it's the disappointment of not having your loved one next to you.

As mourners or perhaps sufferers ourselves created by an illness we never wanted, we can feel how deep your sadness is, and eventually, defence mechanisms may develop so you can cope with this awful situation, but we are here for you because we can understand how you feel.

Take care.

Geoff.