Death of an estranged parent

[Gravity]

Hi all,

My father passed away nearly 4 weeks ago, we had been estranged for well over 15 years, with the last time we actually spoke being a negative experience for us both. I was told by a family member 2 days before he passed away that he was not doing well and had been moved to palliative care. It was at this point that I decided to go see him before he passed on, as he had no other family around him (he wasn't known for maintaining relationships) and I didn't want him to pass on without saying my goodbyes. I drove the 3 hours from my home to where has was, the drive seemed like an eternity with a million things rushing through my head, as well as emotions I didn't expect to feel given the time that had passed and the relationship we had. I stayed with him at the hospital until he passed away from lung and heart failure. Witnessing a man who was also so strong struggle to breathe, was definitely the most confronting and overwhelming thing I have ever done in my life. Even now I'm still feelings overwhelmed but still somewhat numb by seeing that.The numbness finally gave way to sadness, further complicated by the fact he had to will, no funeral plan etc. I am the youngest of 4 children, 3 (including myself) are still alive, I was left to handle everything from trying to sort out his financial and legal obligations to making the funeral arrangements and paying for them also. I have received nothing but abuse from one of my older siblings for doing all of the above, meanwhile no one else was doing anything.

So needless to say, the death of my father has caused a lot of grief, sadness and massive feelings of being overwhelmed. Just when I think I am going okay with everything, I often feel this crushing weight of emotions that I can't even begin to describe. I know it is very early days but please someone tell me if gets easier. I feel broken on a daily basis.

[Zeal]

Hi Gravity,

I'm sorry to hear your father has passed away. You had a lot to deal with while in the immediate stages of grief, which was really unfortunate. Organising all the affairs of you estranged father must have been so stressful. Thankfully that is over. The abuse from your older sibling is horrible - hopefully you can steer clear of this sibling while they are so volatile to you. You can be proud that you ensured your father had someone by his side at the end. This was a beautiful gesture.

I don't have any personal experiences to relate in terms of grief. I am 23, and have not yet experienced this with family. My 82 year old Grandpa has Dementia and is worsening, but I'm hoping he'll be with us for a few more years at least.

There's some info about grief at this link: http://www.grief.org.au/ACGB/Publications/Resources_Bereaved/Grief_Information_Sheets/ACGB/ACGB_Publications/Resources_for_the_Bereaved/Grief_Information_Sheets.aspx?hkey=19bfe37f-d79f-4e70-85e7-82b94bca248b

If you feel you need extra support, you could visit your doctor (GP). Calling the 24/7 beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636 is also an option.

Best wishes,

SM

[Fairywings]

Hi there lovely and welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss losing someone is never easy and yes as time goes on it does get easier. Their body might have died but not their spirit xx ur dad will always be there guiding u in spirit believe me xx don't be afraid to talk to him write to him he will always be listening xx when i lost my best friend to a drug addiction i was just 17yrs old we were like sisters and we did everything together. How i got by when she wasn't with me i cried alot i wrote alot and i spoke to her everyday. One day she gave me a sign she was telling me that i didn't have to feel sad that she had left this world it was a blessing for her as she came from a very broken family there was alot of violence drug abuse alcoholism etc etc and i remember her saying to me one day that she just wanted all to go away and the day it did was just b4 our vce exams in the girls toilets. Her drug addiction took her beautifull soul. I will never forget that day for as long as I am alive. Dealing with the aftermath is never easy when u r left to organize stuff and tie up lose ends i just wish ur sibling was alot more supportive right now as u all need each other during this time of ur lives. Writing helps that way ur letting all ur feelings out and not keeping them inside if u r really concerned about ur sadness i would def get in touch with ur local gp and just have a chat it will be good for you as you have so much on ur plate that u have to deal with. We r all here for you xx and you also have our hotline which is available to you 24/7 please do keep in touch and let us know how things r going nice to have spoken with you Venessa xx

[Makatini]

Hi Gravity,

You situation sounds awful. I'm so sorry. I have had something similar recently which I'm also struggling with. I don't know how/when it will get easier, but I think it will. Everytime I have to deal with it I go into a spin, but then it fades with distance for a time, so I am hopeful. It just feels like riding an ocean of waves. Calm and then it hits again. At least I have good support - maybe you need to find someone outside your family you can lean on.

Thanks for sharing, and will be thinking of you - take care of yourself.