So two weeks ago my mother shared that she has been diagnosed with terminal cancer (5 years tops), a few days after this my grandfather (who I was very close to) passed - its not like the movies with the shutter of the eyelids. He was in panic as he went. But to keep the rest of the family in happy oblivion I lied and said he passed peacefully in his sleep. Last week we buried him and it nearly broke me while I tried to keep it together for my family.
I have put my studies on hold while I deal, reached out to the cancer council and have an appointment coming up. It was just, so much sadness. But it soon turned to anger. Before leaving to spend time with my family, I left detailed instructions for my boss to pass along to my team, so that the office could keep going in my absence. When I came back (today) I found out that the email had not been forwarded on, that no work had been done, and that stakeholders were angry with me for not contacting them for near a fortnight (the stakeholders anger quickly turned to the company and they apologised for their rude emails after a quick phone call explaining the situation). So now I have to deal with a fortnight backlog daily.
I don't know what to do, I am just so angry with my work for being incapable of so much as forwarding on a message (it's diverting my emotional energy away from my real feelings I guess). At the same time, I am still grieving, I can't so much as make a cup of tea without breaking down in tears. But with no leave, sick days or savings all I can do is grudgingly go back into work.
I feel so pathetic, I can't deal with my Pops recent death, let alone my Mums encroaching one. I don't want to be a sad sac, but I can't find joy in anything and dread waking up each morning. I don't know what to do and it makes me feel pathetic (that 'glorious' spiral, am I right?) I haven't been suicidal for a few years now, and I'm not, but this is some new low I didn't realise I could get to emotionally. Should I divert the energy into going for other jobs? Should I run away and take a job in another country again? What should I do while I wait for the cancer council to contact me? I just don't know...
