Coping with Mother's Sudden Death

[Sunflower2020]

I don't like to label myself, but these are the keywords of my story - lost mum, an only child, Chinese, living remotely. I am seeking help.

I have been chatting with a Psychologist since April this year, however, I still don't know how to cope with my mum's death. She was my biggest supporter, she was always there, she was my bestie... My stomach is still in knots. I cannot even unfold any of her clothing. My tears are flowing any time I remember her face and the last picture haunting me in my mind was her body was full of tubes and her closed eyes.

Exactly 4 months ago today, I lost my mum so suddenly. I was on my lunch break at work and was told by my auntie, my mum was in ICU and after 4 hours, she is gone, heart-attack. She was only 59! I was even talking to her on messenger the day before, everything was fine, no last words, she was gone. I was in Australia, she was in China. My husband and I flew immediately back to China the next day and attended the funeral, only days before China and Australia locked down both countries.

Because of the Covid-19 situation, after 14 days of quarantine in China, many tasks were still outstanding. I have not yet chosen the tomb. Things are undone, unfinished. According to Chinese culture, I haven't completed/performed my duty to my mum yet. Her ashes were stored in a small box in a storeroom at a funeral house.

I am the only carer of my mum (my Dad and Mum separated), I feel really guilty in the whole situation; if I don't live in Australia, if I can spend more time with her, these things may not happen.

My husband, Australian and Chinese families, friends, work, boss, colleagues, have been providing great support to me. Coming back to Australia, we have been quarantined for another 14 days self -isolation and since then I have been working from home. Due to a career advancement decision, my husband and I moved to a remote regional country town, there are no family members and close friends here. I miss the face-to-face chat.

I don't know how to deal with the whole situation, my best mentor - she left me, I don't know how to deal with life without her.

Help me, as an extroverted person I think talking about this on an online forum might help.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sunfliower2020,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we're so glad you decided to join us here. We're so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. We empathise with how difficult this must be for you. Please know that our community is here to support you and we will get through this. 

If you feel it might be useful, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. 

It might also be worth getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.

Many of our members have been through loss and felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. Please feel free to keep us updated on your journey here on your thread.

[Sunflower2020]

Thanks, Sophie. It feel relived to vent/express myself through this channel.

I understand the grieving process is different for everyone, but unless you experienced yourself, it is so hard to imagine.

There was no warning for my mum's death, it was sudden. Somedays, my heart can be tearing apart and tears hanging on my face without a signal. Someday, life is still going on, keep smiling, and move on.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sunflower

Hello and welcome. I am so sorry to learn of your mother's death. It must be so heartbreaking for you.

My family are from the UK and I have no family here apart from my children. My mom died on Christmas Day and I did not know she was in hospital. She slipped over leaving a Christmas party and was taken to hospital as a precautionary measure. She died shortly afterwards. I went to her funeral of course but it was such a long time before I could think about her without crying.

I think for the best part of a year I would get home from work and cry all evening. Sometimes I would disappear to the toilet at work and have a little sob. It was so very hard. Everyone was kind and supportive but no one can take away the pain. I had to go through the grief process as there is no other way. I could talk to my sister in the UK by phone which was good. My children were upset because they knew her from her visits here, my daughters especially as they had lived in the UK for a while and saw her often.

It is a hard journey to go through and I am so sorry you are making this journey. I suspect that even if you knew your mom was sick and likely to pass away soon it would still have a been a shock when it happened. I think there is no preparation for the loss of someone you love. Please do not berate yourself over what you could or should have done. There is no fault in you. Our lives unfold and we travel different ways without knowing what the outcome will be. There is nothing so corrosive as regret so please do not blame yourself.

If you find writing in here helpful please continue to do so.

Mary

[smallwolf]

You are right when you spoke about the grieving process. We cannot understand what it feels like for you. In a similar way when it happens to someone else. For example...

About 2 months ago my "uncle" was feeling sore. He was quite old I have to mention. on the way somewhere the pain returned and it was decided he go to hospital. To make a long story much shorter, would find out his body was riddled with cancer and did not make it past 24 hours. It was so sudden.

As for support for you... We will listen and respond as we can.

You can talk to friends or family or to a professional about how you feel. How this journey goes for you we cannot say. But we can walk beside you.

[Sunflower2020]

Thank you, Mary. Your post has made me feel I am not alone and thank you for the sharing.

The process of adjustment takes lots of my energy. The feeling of guilt made me uneasy for the past 4 months. The separation of my dad and mum has made me feel I am responsible for everything in recent years.

[Sunflower2020]

Thank you smallwolf 🙂