In my experience with my own grieving and observing others, there is an initial period where others input has virtually no effect.
During this period, which varies in length depending on the person, we can be there and listen, reassure with comforting words etc. However it can be counter productive telling someone "you'll get over it" or "its for the best". That's because pure 100% grief hasn't room for logic nor room for reason nor explanation.
What if you are the person in grief?. After this initial period, there will be a time when you'll return to your pre grief life, work, shopping etc. But you'll still be in grief. This is the point at which I encourage some strategies. Eg
Im dedicating next year to my father. He'll want me to be as happy as I could be.
Im going to create a corner of my garden to my sister. A place with a garden seat and climbing roses, her favourite flower
My brother did not enjoy good health. I will in his honour, care for myself because he never had that opportunity.
And so on.
The art of channelling, which is what I referred to above is infinite in its realm of creativity and its an individual thing. It can make us extend ourselves beyond our projected capacity. Ever seen Olympians dedicate their journey of competition to a loved one?
But IMO the greatest motivating factor is children. Those of us that have walked that dark path of suicidal thoughts and/or plans know that thinking of how we will leave our loved ones in trauma and grief can be a huge motivating factor for us to sever the idea and dedicate our lives to our children or loved ones.
When I lost my wonderful dad I decided to ensure I would one day leave the world of my children with a similar memory...
In summary-
To assist yourself in coping with grief, allow yourself a period of time that you alone feel is the right length of time to just grieve....and not much else except comforting others.
Then put in place ways of honouring your loved one and living your life as they would want you to.
Finally, not to make their passing in vain. Grab hold of their legacy they've left and in their name ...never let it go. For that memory is priceless. Use that gift to leave a similar memory for other loved ones you will one day leave behind.
Thats how I make sense of the passing of loved ones.
Do you have strategies in coping with the passing of a loved one you'd like to share?
Your ideas could help someone else
Tony WK
