Worthless and Alone forever?

[ThrowAway1916]

This is a throw away account, as I'm embarrassed.
I'm 32 years old, and I don't have any friends, ambitions, and never had a relationship. As a kid, I always felt like the black sheep of the family. Always feeling like I'm in the shadows of my siblings. I had a very abusive mother during my teen years, where I wasn't allowed out the house except for going to school, wasn't allowed to have friends over, and never got to experience dating. Everyday, I was told I was worthless, how nobody will ever want to be near me, and my grandmother even wishing I committed suicide. When I was finally old enough to get away, I felt I was thrown into a world that I had no experience for. When I tried to meet people, I was always targeted and felt unwelcomed. I was also constantly bullied at my job. I attempted to do 2 activities I was very passionate about, but eventually I was bullied out of those, with one of those involving death threats and harassment. It was this harassment, that the few friends I did make while at these places, no longer wanted anything to do with me.
Because of my very troubled upbringing, I am terrified with meeting new people, especially women, as I don't want to be hurt again. I've always been told that I wasn't good enough, that even if I did manage to gain confidence, I still believe those words. My anxiety gets so bad at times, that once another person gets aggressive with me, I shut down. Very rarely in life have I felt I belonged. I always tried to remember that old saying "treat others how you want to be treated" but I don't get the same treatment that I share.

There are more examples, but long story short, I'm at that point where I don't know where I'm headed. I want friends and a loving partner, but I'm afraid of people and find it hard to trust people. I want to do those activities I loved before, but scared about seeing those people again. When my anxiety and depression happens, I really do feel like the words from my mother about being alone forever and how worthless I am are actually true.

[ThrowAway1916]

Nevermind. I guess even on here I'm not wanted

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Throwaway1916,

I’m sorry no one had gotten back to you yet. Sometimes it takes a few days. I feel for you and can relate to things from your post. My mother often told me I was worthless in various ways. She had moments of kindness so it was like dealing with a split personality at times. Her mother was very cruel to her. With you mentioning your mother and grandmother I am wondering if your mother is repeating a pattern in terms of how she was treated?

What I hope you can know is that those labels and projections that come from someone else, even your mother, are not correct. It has such a powerful impact when they are meant to be our caregiver. If it is any encouragement I am making real headway in healing and have found a good psychologist who is understanding. I am wondering have you sought any counselling/psychology support? If you can work with a kind, intuitive therapist it can help to heal the damaged part of you and also to build up trust in another human being, something I can tell has been broken multiple times for you from what you have described. I’ve had my trust and safety breached with others numerous times and I’ve learned it all comes back to that initial betrayal by a parent(s) which then tends to lead to other relationships with people who often exploit us in similar ways. It is not our fault and it’s almost like we become a target for those who sense our vulnerability. But I am learning this pattern can be changed and it is changing for me in my life now. Like you I have been terrified of meeting new people too, but I find it is gentle steps in the right direction and it gradually becomes less scary.

At 32 you are still relatively young and have much life ahead of you. It doesn’t have to be what you have always known. I heard a great quote that “it’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. I am finding that I am learning the experiences now that in an ideal world would have happened growing up. It is changing both my present and I know my future, and I’m older than you at 49. So I know it has been so hard and it probably feels like you’ve just been keeping your head above water for a very long time. But you are absolutely not worthless. One of the real challenges for me has been learning to be more gentle and kind with myself. I think the more you can be around kind people the more it will help you to extend kindness towards yourself, which I know in the beginning can be extremely hard to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and I am happy to chat if you want to share more of your experience or have anything else you’d like to post.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[quirkywords]

Throwaway

i have had trouble logging in so sorry for not answering earlier.

Eagleray has given a helpful answer,

you are valued and worthwhile as sometimes posts get mixed up an are not easy to find. If you can stay around and read the posts.