Why?

[Mimi7]

I am here because I am lost and so down.

I have suffered from depression all my life. I was a surprise twin, my twin was unwell as a baby and my mother already had two children under four years of age.  Needless to say I was very neglected as a baby/young child.

My earliest memories are of feeling I didn't belong/fit in. This was exacerbated by my siblings ganging up on me or simply ignoring me.

I have no fond memories of my mother and my father was a bullying control freak.  I was then subjected to major trauma age 13 for a medical reason and went on to become anorexic.

After I pulled myself out of that I became very addicted to alcohol and just didn't care about my future; even though I was extremely intelligent and got high grades. My parents never discussed anything at all with us. Mother left us to our own devices as did father.

I was in a relationship of sorts with a guy who was very unsuited to me but he got me away from my family.

My brother committed suicide age 27 in 1989.  No need to discuss the effect that had on me. Again the family buried him and went on as nothing had happened.

My father was then jailed for sexual assault on a cousin. Mother left him and he has since died. For which I'm not sorry.

I meanwhile I got in a relationship with a horribly abusive man. I managed to extricate myself after two years of madness. I then married another unsuitable man as I thought my options were low.

I had to undergo IVF to have a child due to the medical issue earlier touched upon. During that I became pregnant but lost the baby possibly due to dr negligence... Long story. I persisted and now have a beautiful child. The pregnancy was absolutely rife with stress and the baby was deemed to have a possible heart defect whilst in utero.  

Eventually he was born and initially given the all clear only to almost due in my arms at 12 hours old ( he had pulmonary hypertension).  Through all this I had no support from anyone. In fact when my baby almost died my husband showed up drunk.

I vowed then and there that I would leave him. Which I eventually did as he was a violent abusive drunk and he hit the baby for biting him. I now have no money no future no friends and the only reason I am still here is for my son.

I've seen thousands of doctors/psychologists/psychiatrists over the years. Been counselled; had every medication and therapy known to man thrown at me. All to no avail. I want to know why my life has been such a total f***ing mess and why nothing will ever get better.

Pardon lack of editing as I have to get this out there before I change my mind. And this is only the major shit : if I were to recount ever f***ing shit thing I would be here forever.

Thanks for reading if you do.  

[Chris_B]

Hi Mimi,

Thanks for joining the forums. I can understand why you feel so bleak with everything you've gone through, and not feeling like any support you've accessed has made things feel any better.

To survive through everything you've described shows that you have incredible strength, even though you may not feel that way.  

We can never know that 'things will never get better'. Think about your son, for example: you never thought you'd ever be able to have a child, and despite all the complications and trauma, it happened and he is an amazing part of your life right now. He would not be here without you.

Hope this doesn't sound too trite, but when we're feeling at our worst, the assumptions we make about our future can be very wrong.

Thanks for sharing your story here, I hope you feel that this is a place you can belong and be supported.

[Teejay]

Mimi, you sound very brave and resilient to me.  I hope that happiness, love and security find you soon.