Why do I only feel happy and have any interest in life when drinking?

[jmn251]

I tried anti depressants but I couldn't function at work.

I spent 3 months in rehab and was clean for a year. However, the alcohol cravings returned.

I only feel comfortable dealing with the work when drinking.

Does anyone have any insights into this issue.

Thanks.

[Mares73]

Dear JMN welcome to Beyond Blue. It's great you've reached out here as you will receive support, compassion & advice without judgement. And many members will relate to your story. Ok-my story is based on my experience so take from it what you will. Ill start with my Dad. He was a heavy drinker & drank to function ie to hold down a job, cope with life in general. My mother put up with so much & did all she could to help him.  After 25 years of marriage he took off up the coast with another woman. She figured him out quick & gave him the ultimatum but my Dad chose "his right to drink". Two & half years ago i had a ph call from a social worker informing me that my dad had been found, living on the streets & was seriously ill & would i or anyone visit him. This was a hard call-my heart said i have to go-my husband reminded me that this was the same man who had sexually abused me when drunk as a child. Ill never forget walking into intensive care & seeing a shadow of a man. All he could do was hold my hand & cry, saying sorry over & over. Noone else in my family wanted to see him but i had sessions with the social worker & decided to help him find accommodation & l/term rehab. I didnt associate him as the father i grew up with-he was a very weak, sick man. We got him housing & i found a great Dr from the Beyond Blue list of Drs. As i suspected he had severe depression & had suffered it all his life. But my mum never has believed in depression & had focussed on the symtom which was the drinking. The real issue was depression. Sadly after 2 wks before the antidep had effect the Police arrived to tell me hed been found dead. He was 50.  I grew up believing the drinking was the problem but I learnt from my Dad & another man I'm close to who admits he's an alcoholic -that whether you call it alcoholism, a drinking problem or an addiction-the real truth I believe is that it is one form of masking our problems & pain; it's also a confidence booster when you have low self esteem & it's a form of pain relief when emotionally you are hurting. It helps you forget things for a while, helps you cope with insecurities & that's why it's sometimes called "man's best friend". It's not the alcohol -it's the effects it has on you that are the issue as well as why you need to block out your feelings. My best friend has depression & is also an "alcoholic" (I hate the term because it conjures up images that no one would want to be associated with), she's 39 & drinks for social attention & to have the courage to go to work which she doesn't enjoy, she says it helps numb her feelings & whenever she ends up in a broken rlship-vodka is her best friend-gets her through. My male friend says yes he's an alcoholic, been to rehab 3 times but he is so insightful-he knows why he drinks-aboriginal & had his kids taken, but he says he can't deal with the pain or episodes of reality about the loss of his family-so he drinks when the pain comes up. It's not the substance so much as the real reason & symptoms of depression that I believe need to be addressed. You could replace alcohol with anything as long as it worked eg to avoid feeling uncomfortable, to have confidence, to forget painful things etc.  I think so many of us use some types of avoidance strategies or things to give us confidence.Could you try writing a list of all that you dislike or find hard to manage at work? These would be your "triggers" the feelings you want to avoid or escape from in your mind. Perhaps it's not the alcohol your craving as much as the effect it has on you ie helping you get through work. And maybe write other times you need to drink before doing something. What is the "something" that drinking helps with? It's very common for people with depression to use alcohol, tablets etc to help hide their depression & to help cope with situations their not comfortable with as well as using it to calm nerves in social situations.  In summary im saying maybe the alchol in itself isnt the key problem-its the reasons you use it & if you can confront &  address them than your life will begin to change. Yes the drinking will still need to be addressed but if your depression is also treated you will be on a new journey. 'm only trying to help & share ideas & experiences. I thank you for sharing & hope to hear back from you as soon as you can. X Mares

[geoff]

dear Jmn, first of all our Mares has given a graphic account of what happened to her, and she is still finding it very difficult to come out of this tunnel in a much better way, but I know that she is trying like hell, and that's terrific, but I know that it hasn't happened as yet, however she asks questions and wants to know how some of us have overcome this illness.

To be in rehab for 3 months and then clean for a year, only happened while you can, and maybe there were no immediate problems, but now these issues have come back to haunt you, and can I tell you that this happens many times.

I could could abstain from drinking alcohol because of a reason, and it was only for this reason that I stopped, but then once this had passed back I went to my friend, the alcohol were I could and would drink to my hearts content, because my family had left me, and I was at home by myself, only until I was divorced, and then it was a different matter, but not now will I say this why, although on other posts it has been said.

I was an alcoholic and was always called that, so I know what you are saying, but please get back to us, as we would dearly love to talk about this, so please do.

It's my knock off time very shortly, so I hope others will reply back to you, as I will do from 12.01 am in the morning. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Yes Geoff is much more experienced & I would take his advice. I try to respond to, & support others because I care but I'm not past my own issues by a long way. 

Lve Mares xx