I need answers

[Guest_3712]

Hi guys,

it is a beautiful day but all I see are clouds

I live in a lovely home, not far from the beach but I feel trapped

I have a new job that allows me to express myself  and yet I have no confidence

I have an understanding and caring husband - I don't know why he stays

I have two well adjusted happy children but I feel I am a bad mother

I am sick of being overweight and taking meds every day

I hate my doctor for making me face my demons, yet I thank God he is there to support me.

I don't want this type of life any more. I want my old life back when I was ignorant to my depressive issues. Yes ignorance is bliss.

I am not religious despite being brought up in a God fearing household ( ironic I know) but I am spiritual .I believe in a higher power. I believe in ying and yang and Karma.

What is my purpose. this can't be the reason I am here. I have wasted ten years of my life. I need answers.

Stressless

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Stressless,

You want answers and you know, I don't have them. I am in a similar place, following the break up of my 7 year marriage, only to land on the bones of my *** wiyh nothing but my cats. The only reason I have aplace to live at all is due to the generosity of freinds who continue to surprise me with their actions. 

Where am I going in the future? I don't know. I don't know whether I want to go back to uni or abandon that whole part of me. I don't know where to look for jobs, in terms of what job to do. I don't even know how I get through some days. 

So I guess I know as little about where you are going and where you are as I do aboutmyself. At least you aren't alone, that's all I could really say.

GA

[EveH]

hi Stressless,

It sounds like you can acknowledge the good things in your life, but you just don't FEEL good about yourself or those things. Is this correct? it also seems that you are struggling with finding meaning in your life (ie where you say 'what is my purpose?'). I hope I am being accurate in what I see.

I can say that I have had experience with these issues, and facing your demons is the first step to clarity. I know it is hard to face demons, particularly ones you have lived with your entire life, but facing them will help you clear the emotion and what sounds like the depression, and then hopefully your doctor or psych can help you with skills to determine your own meaning and purpose in your life, but you need to clear the negative emotions first, as they are such a heavy weight.

You say your husband is caring and supportive, so try to accept his care and support. Im' sure he stays with you because he loves you. Try receiving, but also giving support, because giving can also help with finding meaning and purpose in life.

I hope that you find a supportive doctor to help you through your 'demons', as this is the only way you will receive answers from deep within yourself. No-one else can provide the answers for you, but others can help guide and support you along the way.

I hope this has been somewhat helpful, and I do hope you find the necessary help to find a purpose in life, and to love life. And don't be afraid to try different methods- ie psychologists, councellor, kinesiologist, doctor, friends, development and/or spiritual books, documentaries, just keep trying different things until you find the thing that will help you overcome this and feel good about yourself and your life.

Take care,

Eve

[Guest_3712]

Hi Eve,

How kind of you to reply. I'm sorry if I haven't acknowledged any of your posts before. Sometimes I just like to read others, and don't post for a while.

Yes you are right in that I can acknowledge and recognise the good things in my life but somehow can't feel good about them.

While your suggestions ate good I have been on this depression cycle for over 10 years and have tried most things twice

I have a great psych who I have been seeing for 4 years. I am just going through a particularly down time

Thanks again

Be kind to yourself

Stressless.

[Guest_3712]

Hi guys,

I usually just get through the weeks by the skin of my teeth. I count the days till my psych appointment. I can say anything to him. I can cry , scream, sulk , throw things ( it was only once and it was only a small clock).

I need that outlet  I need that safe place .

My psych has had to cancel my next appointment which was Monday. I feel sick with anxiety. I won't last another month.

it is so hard

Stressless

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi guys, I usually just get through the weeks by the skin of my teeth. I count the days till my psych appointment. I can say anything to him. I can cry , scream, sulk , throw things ( it was only once and it was only a small clock). I need that outlet  I need that safe place . My psych has had to cancel my next appointment which was Monday. I feel sick with anxiety.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636

[EveH]

Hi again stressless,

This is the first time I've posted on the BeyondBlue forums, and I was drawn to your post as I have been in a similar situation in terms of the feelings of depression and hopelessness, but also knowing that I can get myself out of it, it's all about what works for you! 🙂

I know what you mean about needing a safe space in order to emotionally release (cry, scream etc), and hopfeully this forum helps you too, expecially in your anxiousness about your rescheduled psychology appointment.

Personally, I was depressed since childhood (I am 30 now), and only became consistently happy and content when I learnt how to identify and face the core issues that were going on (which was in my mid 20s), that I had avoided for so long (but didn't even realise I avoided because they were buried so deep since childhood, and id simply learned how to work around them), it was largely unconcious. That depression had also turned into bulimia, which was also so much easier to control once I dealt with my core issues.

Now when I have the feeling of depression, I know I need to work on some emotional issue, so I figure out what it is and then work it out, and then it lifts. it gets easier, and I've had a lot of tutoring from all the councelling sessions I've been to! Its tough to look my issues in the face, but I know when I do I'll have that happiness and contentment back, and that makes it all SO worth it! Then I make sure I keep doing things that interest me (like studying psychology).

I hope you find what gets you through Stressless, I know the days and nights can be hard when you're just 'getting through by the skin of your teeth'. Even if everything feels hopeless, just remember in your head that there are people that love you, and want you to get through:)

Eve

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Stressless,

I know that feeling of going from appointment to appointment. Its not a nice place to be at all. I can only hope that you can get an appointment sooner than a month. I hope you can rely on us here at the forums and call BB if it gets desperate before that appointment. 

I'll also say that your comment about throwing things got a laugh out of me on this rather hectic day. 

Treat the small clocks kindly, 

GA