Where to start

[a_of_n]

Hi ,

Im into my ninth year of depression

It started from a marriage breakdown, which tends to destroy the family unit, a few chronic health issues and massive financial loss on the unfinished family home due to the breakdown

I think I was always headed this way as I suffered from massive anxiety my whole life (I thought it was normal as I was very introverted) and mum and dad both suffered mental problems .

My brother suicided in his late twenties

Over the last nine years Ive lost track of different specialists and phycs Ive seen ,I know the early years my GP would set up 14 visits with specialists then it dropped back to 10 visits a year with medicare changes so a lot of visits

Ive been on so many meds ,none work for me due to side effects ,so currently on none and totally over phyc visits ,I know what they,re going to say before they do

Both mum and dad lived long lives ,happily married but both died unexpectedly 11 weeks apart just on 12 months back which has been harder to deal with than I would of ever thought possible

I don't really sleep ,I haven't for 9 years ,I workout and look after my diet and health as best as I can but the head is a mess

when I do get sleep in bits and pieces Im usually dreaming in dark places ,so often I wake in a hell of a state

I used to think to myself that this state my head is permanently in is like being dreadfully homesick for a place and people that don't exist ,but not just normal homesickness ,life threatening

Ive so many times been in an incredibly dark place and thought thru what my brother must of been feeling but I have this couple of daughters that enter my mind and that brings me back ..

anyway these days ,I live alone ,I don't socialise at all ,the way I am, no more relationships seem possible ,Im so introverted and messed up with anxiety and depression ,I was put on a pension years back with this so outings are few

Now heres the big thing over the years Ive realized Ive become an expert ,no one knows about my condition ,My daughters don't know ,family and friends .Sure they know Im introverted ,that's just me and they know Im not the happiest person in the world but if they knew the truth ,wow ...........My daughters would not leave me alone ever if they knew and with that no one knows to keep that safe.

So this forum maybe just what I need ,as hard as it is to describe this condition

.

[rosie808]

Hi there

sorry to hear, that sucks so so much. I know how you feel 😞 sending love

[Aliza221]

Hey.

Firstly I'd like to say I am sorry to hear about your brothers suicide and parents passing. That alone could break most vibrant souls. It drags you to a dark place, like you mention, and keeps you there for many years to come. I too avoid people and social life. I am still young so i got no choice but to speak with people i don't want to, but i think everyone gets the idea sooner or later that i clearly do not want to be around anybody. I can't speak on marriage and having kids as i have neither, though have you ever thought about telling your ex-partner? The daughters don't need to hear how fragile their father is, not until the mother/father does first. Extended family too? i know from people in my personal life that doctors and appointments, going place to place becomes a drag and eventually you just get dosed on medicine and that's what it always comes to. So i have always avoided them.

But i think you should open up to the closest person you have, if you're on speaking terms with your partner, it might be best to express how you feel? Get a pet to comfort you? My dog was my everything till he died, and half of me died with him. But the years he was alive, i never had this depression, i enjoyed life and even when i did feel sad, i came home to him. Being on a pension limits outings, true, but it could also make you embrace nature. Being an introvert myself, i usually found comfort in the open fields of forests or small waterfalls, hikes, i speak to no one, i don't care to speak to no one, but it cleanses the mind. I'm sorry if my response is all over the place as we're both battling struggles and even though we continue to fight, we must always try to help others that are in need too. I will speak with you if you wish. Have a blessed day and stay safe and strong.