Where has the real me gone?

[mousehouse]

Hi all,

I've been 'lurking' on the forums for a while and I love reading everyone's posts and I've learnt so much and it's been heartening to discover I'm not alone in that so many other people's stories resonate so much with my experience.

I suffer depression, but I've never sought professional help for it. I manage OK most of the time. I have a pretty good quality of life on the whole and I can’t complain much. I have worked out some strategies for caring for myself through the tough times.

But one thing I hate about depression is that I think it turns me into someone I don’t like and don’t want to be. It makes me negative, pessimistic, cynical, a bit mean even, I suppose, down on people and situations, assuming the worst. And that’s not me at heart.

I was talking to someone today about a mutual acquaintance who was described as someone “very genuine” and “who doesn’t have a mean bone in her body”. And this girl is, she is truly delightful, always has a kind word to say.

But the comment just struck a nerve with me. It made me feel old and mean and horrible, and grieving for the old me. I used to be like that. People would describe me as someone without a mean bone in my body. Even now, I’m hardly an “awful” person, but I just long to rediscover the ‘real me”, this girl who is kind and sweet and friendly and a good friend. I feel like she’s gotten lost along the way!

Many thanks

xxx

[JessF]

Hello mousehouse, I know what you mean. I think a good place to start may be with a sense of perspective. I like to compare mental health issues with physical health issues, because it's all health. If you were a chronic migraine sufferer, would you define yourself by your headaches? Or would they just be symptoms that you have to work through? I think it's similar with depression and other mental illnesses: we are not our emotions, but we can let ourselves become defined by them and this creates a negative spiral.

[Jolene]

Hi, I also know this feeling. It's like I have two people in me. There's the happy person who loves making others feel good and do everything I can to be a good person. But then when I get into a mood, I'm not nice at all, I hate myself and everything around me. I'm so negative I can even crack a smile or fake laugh. It's awful. Sometimes it happens so frequently it takes a lot of work for me to bounce back to who I really am. I always have to force myself to so one good thing and then it's slowly comes back. I wish I could be of more help! But yes I know that feeling so well.

[mtill17]

Hi mousehouse, I too know this feeling not only do I feel like I have two people inside of me I feel like I am forced to put on the 'happy mask' when I am at work / school or with other people in order to be accepted! The most annoying part of this is that it is of no gain to me but solely for the purposes of the other people around me! It is these agonizing times of 'fake happy' that seam to deepen the feelings of despair! This is also what makes me feel so horrible about me knowing that others cant bear to be with the terrible me. I often wonder who I am now, I have lost track of who I am.

I would be interested to hear what some of the strategies you mentioned are and how they work for you? Personally I use specific songs that eventually seam to break the terrible version of me and I return to just being moderately miserable...  

I look forwards to your next post.. oh and welcome to the community!

[Darkness_amp_Beyound]

Hello, This is my first day as a member here. Please forgive me if i say something wrong. Your Post Mousehouse made a connection with me. I too am wondering where the "real me" is. At the same time I am struggling with the thoughts of "This must be the real me, I am not this happy nice , trustful, helpful etc etc person at all, I am this almost evil twisted person" I somehow manage to bring such darkness, hurt and anger to most around me, and that is before i even open my mouth to say a word! I do not know who I am, or where the person I thought I was has gone. I am considered every negative word you can imagine by my family.. 'Drama Queen' selfish, self centred, Liar,  trouble maker and the list goes on. It was made clear recently that I was not welcomed at my Nana's funeral. I did not even find out she was sick and in hospital (she was in there for two weeks) till after she died (a few days later). 

A few months back an uncle "came out" about his depression on social media. I told him I understood because I too have depression. He expressed his dismay that no one in the family seem to care or worry about him etc. I agreed and said i am not surprised. I expressed that I have my own dragons, however if he needs to talk i would try my best to be there. 

Apparently my response was typical of me.. turning everything about depression into being about me. 

All family members that commented agreed with that comment..

SO if so many different people say it is, it must be, right? How can I possible be this nice, loving, caring etc person I thought I was if so many say I am not? 

Perhaps for you Mousehouse,that girl you once "knew" has not gone anywhere, perhaps she is just seeking shelter from a storm. 

I wish you all the best with your journey. 

[Luttes]

Mousehouse and Darkness (coincidentally, the title of one of my favourite Peter Gabriel songs). Your respective posts struck such a chord with me, I wished I could have used it in a song (but nothing I could write would ever be as good as Peter Gabriel !)

Of all the things my wife has screamed at me over the past few weeks whilst I've been trying so hard to reason with her, it's that I'm not the man she married. At the same time, there's not much of the woman I married either but there's no point in going there because I'll always be wrong, and will have no rights whatsoever.

To me it feels so schizophrenic, that's one of the things that upsets me so much about this sickness.  During a moment of (relative) calm, sometimes I might look back on things I've done and said, and think "Who WAS that?! Why the *#%$^#&@ did I say those things? That's not me, that's not what I think, that's not what I feel. Deep down, I hate those things, and now I hate me because it came from me"

And thus, the vicious circle begins.

Darkness, what you said about bringing hurt to people around you before you even open your mouth, there was an inner voice shouting "OH GOD YES, THAT IS ME!"

And Mouse, your "Turning into someone I don't like and don't want to be" - same response.

I hope you two will be around for a while, we seem to be kindred spirits.

[White_Rose]

Hello Everyone

I do agree with your perspectives. I don't know that I ever thought I was someone special. Just an ordinary person doing ordinary things. Then this depression hit and it seems I became a monster overnight. I think I must always have been this person. It just took an illness for it surface. 

I'm fed up with the whole process. Trying to convince myself I am worthwhile person instead of a pain in everyone's rear end. No one understands how we feel but what is worse is that generally people are not interested in finding out. I have been told so often to stop feeling so sorry for myself.

So now I just accept that I am that horrid person and stay away from everyone. Does it hurt? Of course, but that's what I deserve.

Mary

[Darkness_amp_Beyound]

It hurts,

Every time they turn away, every time they point their fingers at you. 

It hurts. 

I have never thought of myself as anything other than me. No one special just me. I never thought i was this evil bad 'thing', I thought i was normal, in the fact that i cared for people, that i wanted to see them happy.. and would help anyone i could.. 

But none of that is the real me it seems. 

Just this angry, sad selfish idiot of a person that cannot get things right.