I had my first child just over 2 years ago. At that time is when I think I first had depression (perhaps Post-Natal Depression). It took me some time after a scary emergency caesarean delivery to really feel like a mum. I was sent to ICU away from my child for the first night which went against everything I wanted for my first time of giving birth.
After some time I was feeling good again. I returned to work 2 days a week when my child was 6 months old. I enjoyed my time at work as it gave good balance to my life (and also a social outlet for me).
When my first child turned 1 we decided to try again for another baby as I had always wanted my children to be close in age. I fell pregnant very quickly and was very happy about it. At 4 weeks pregnant I needed to tell my boss at work that I was pregnant because I am a teacher and there were some infectious diseases going around the school that I needed to be kept away from now that I was pregnant. So this is kind of where everything fell apart. I was offered work which apparently 'fell through' so I became unemployed. I feel guilty even thinking this, but I feel like I lost this job because I was pregnant, and if I hadn't gotten pregnant I would still be working. It's like the whole pregnancy became negative in a way. I began to spiral. By this time my first child was becoming a terrible toddler and I was at home dealing with it day in and day out. I had noone to talk to about it. When I spoke to my husband about it he just said, "she'll grow out of it." So this didn't actually help me at all.
My second child is now 5 months old and I feel like I have completely lost myself. I wake up each day to the same old screaming toddler and crying baby. I am still not working as it is difficult with a baby and a toddler when you are a casual teacher. I love my children dearly but I feel like such a failure. My toddler screams all day which keeps the baby up. I feel unmotivated to do anything because I go out and it's embarrassing with a screaming child. This is not how it was meant to be.
I find it so difficult to sleep...I am lucky if I am able to switch off long enough to get an hours sleep.
I cry almost everyday, I feel angry, sad and stressed out all at once, like I need to scream! I then feel guilty because I should be happy with what I have. I have a loving husband and 2 beautiful children yet I feel like I just want to give up. I sometimes think I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up... I would never do anything silly to myself, but I need help in getting the old me back...where did she go??
