When the black dog keeps coming back

[brookey]

Feeling really, really down tonight.

I think one of the hardest things about depression is that often it just keeps coming back whether you like it or not. Sometimes this makes me feel like a bit of a failure, but then the rational side of me knows that it's not something to be ashamed of. However, when depression keeps coming back I find it harder and harder to talk about it with the people I care. I worry that I will end up sounding like a broken record, and that everyone will be sick of me and my moods. So I'm really glad that I've found beyond blue - I feel like I can talk about my feelings without worrying about over-burdening someone. 

Another thing that's really hard about recurrent depression is that it's just so damn exhausting. I'm so tired of trying to keep a brave face and battling on even though on the inside I'm really struggling to keep it together. I hate that every night I just end up crying alone in my bed, after pretending like everything is ok all day. My life has some really great things going on in it, but for whatever reason I just can't enjoy it as I feel so hopeless and so alone, and the future from where I'm standing looks so bleak. 

At least the one constant in life is change, and I'm hoping that things can't stay this way forever. In the mean time, I guess it's just one day at a time... 

[brookey]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your information on Relationships Australia! I actually did not know about that so I will definitely keep that option in mind.... 🙂 

I'm glad that your weekend turned out better than you thought! That's so good to hear that despite your health problems you've been able to go out this week to church. 🙂 I think reconnecting with friends and support groups is so important! 

And yes, I totally relate to that feeling you get after completing a big job! Although at the moment I feel like I'm drowning in work, it's always a nice feeling to be able to finish something off for good! I am proud of myself at the moment as I have been attempting a few really difficult things at uni that I previously would not have had the confidence to do. Even though I am feeling overwhelmed right now, I am hoping that my effort and persistence will pay off in the long run 😛 

I've also got a date tomorrow which should be interesting..... I have to say that I'm quite nervous, but I'm trying to put myself out there instead of curling into a ball and assuming that I'm completely unattractive/repulsive to the opposite sex haha. Sometimes I really feel like that must be the case, but for the time being I'm trying not to let my negative thoughts get on top of me too much. Hopefully it will go well, but if not I at least I gave it a shot and put myself out there! 

Hope your rest of the day was great 🙂 

 Brooke 

[geoff]

dear Brookey, some lovely replies from our constant well informed members, Lauren and Mary, and it is true with me as well that I have become more compassionate and empathetic, or perhaps by having depression this has now allowed the doors to open, which we may have had before, and most likely we did, but it does allow us to express and say exactly how we feel, different than before because we might have been too scared or embarrassed to express our thoughts, rather a long paragraph going around in circles.

So in a strange way depression can be good, ha ha, not that any of us would agree to, because what this illness does to us, well we all know, and I would never ever want to go through all those years suffering ever again. L Geoff. x

[brookey]

Yeah, I agree. Bleugh. Sometimes I really wish that I never had to go through all the suffering that's come along with depression, but I don't regret it when I see how it has really made me grow as a person. However, I would not want to go back to how I was a couple of years ago - that's for sure! Here's hoping that things get a little easier with time, and in the meantime hopefully I will be able to learn from people's experiences off this forum 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Brookey and everyone else reading this,

I haven't been using the computer a lot the last couple of days, had a bit of chill out time instead. It is wonderful that so many people are all chatting here and sharing how they are coping with their depression and encouraging each other.

I managed to attend Church on Sunday, something I have been doing only spasmodically recently. One lady asked if I had been unwell and I told her I have trouble with my depression at times. She mentioned she too was a sufferer of depression. I hope to chat with her more next week. We might be able to help and support each other.

It is wonderful when we experience better days isn't it after a few days of gloom. This is the time when I try to put more coping strategies into place. It is a time for me to read some new information on how to help myself and others with a mental illness to get through their day.

I'm hoping to put aside some time to try some relaxation, visualisation and muscle relaxing techniques. I'm also working on telling myself that life is not as bad as my mind sometimes tells me it is. I know there are some times during this illness that no amount of thought variation will make you feel better, it is then that I need to remind myself that I have had some great days recently and there is no reason why I won't experience more.

Courage, persistence, hope, forgiveness and strength. Yes. A truck load of each of these would certainly make life a little easier!

Hope you are all managing to see not just the light at the end of the tunnel, but a beautiful rainbow as well!

Cheers for now from Lauren