When the black dog keeps coming back

[brookey]

Feeling really, really down tonight.

I think one of the hardest things about depression is that often it just keeps coming back whether you like it or not. Sometimes this makes me feel like a bit of a failure, but then the rational side of me knows that it's not something to be ashamed of. However, when depression keeps coming back I find it harder and harder to talk about it with the people I care. I worry that I will end up sounding like a broken record, and that everyone will be sick of me and my moods. So I'm really glad that I've found beyond blue - I feel like I can talk about my feelings without worrying about over-burdening someone. 

Another thing that's really hard about recurrent depression is that it's just so damn exhausting. I'm so tired of trying to keep a brave face and battling on even though on the inside I'm really struggling to keep it together. I hate that every night I just end up crying alone in my bed, after pretending like everything is ok all day. My life has some really great things going on in it, but for whatever reason I just can't enjoy it as I feel so hopeless and so alone, and the future from where I'm standing looks so bleak. 

At least the one constant in life is change, and I'm hoping that things can't stay this way forever. In the mean time, I guess it's just one day at a time... 

[White_Rose]

Dear Brooke

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. You sound as though you have a good understanding of depression. Have you read any of the BB literature? It's useful stuff. I have read your posts to others and they are very helpful.

Yes, the Black Dog just likes to hang on and bark at all the wrong times. It gets into our brains and tries to tell us all sorts of stories about how we are failures and how useless and hopeless we are. And it's very hard not to believe this, because as you say, it keeps coming back to haunt us.

The two points you mention are very common. Can't talk to family and friends because it seems like the same old same old. And who wants to listen to this? And the sense of failure comes I think, from the repeated return of the depression. In any physical illness, a return of the symptoms would be a cause for concern, but with mental illness there is no outward sign of the illness, not much change in behaviour because we hide it, and little to show for our pain. Truly a hidden disease.

The second point is that we all tend to wear masks of some sort or other. I had a complete breakdown in my doctor's room this morning and turned a 15 minute consultation for a minor matter into a 30 minute drama session. So embarrassing. And then I met up with some friends as I had arranged several days previously and tried to be full of gladness and light. I went because I thought it would be better than going home and crying on my own, but boy was it tiring.

And I believe this is one of the reasons we are so often tired. As you say, it is exhausting to keep up the pretense and wearing a mask. But who wants to talk to someone with a long face? And it does take away much of the enjoyment of everyday life.

Are you getting any help with your depression? So many people see a psychologist or psychiatrist these days and it is so often useful and helpful. But sometimes it is so hard to change our thinking. I try to have a nap during the day if I feel tired. That way I can cope much better with just managing the day in a reasonable frame of mind. I also like to spend time on my own working on my hobbies, such as embroidery and scrapbooking, as they give me relaxation and comfort. These are the kinds of activities (although is sleeping an activity?) we need to stop feeling exhausted and able to cope with the 'real' world.

Hope to hear from you again.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mary and Brookey,

Thank you both for your sharing. You have so described how I am feeling presently.

It is like I am so stuck in that rut of depression and stress that I am finding it really difficult to get out of it. Sometimes the strength to fight my way out of it just isn't there right now.

Giving up isn't an option, so I just keep plodding on and try to keep my head above the surface.

It is difficult trying to stay connected with friends and family when you feel this way. I do feel like I am burdening them and I feel like they just don't get it anyway. Some people just think you can pull your socks up and get over it.

Thanks again for sharing how you cope or even how you don't cope. It makes us all realise that others are struggling as well.

By the way, Congratulations to you Mary for reaching 1001 posts! Well done.

I wish you both a day with more ups than downs!

Cheers from Lauren

[brookey]

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I'm quite familiar with the Beyond Blue stuff on depression and am lucky enough to have study psych so I think this helps me a lot to deal with my own depression. 🙂 

I was getting help for my depression, but I agreed to try and save some final sessions with my psychologist I was seeing for if things get worse, so now I guess I'm just working on trying to manage it myself. I definitely am a lot better than I was a couple of months ago so I think that is good.... However, it if keeps on being a real struggle I think I will consider going back. 

It's nice to hear how you have found some things that you can do on a day to day basis that improves your mood. I'm trying to be better with that myself at the moment as I know that sometimes when I feel down I find it really hard to keep myself active and involved in what I normally would find enjoyable. 

 I am really glad that I have found this forum because I feel much more comfortable talking to other people who know what it is like to experience depression, and it doesn't worry me as much that I'm being a burden on anyone. I also have found that talking to others about their experiences has actually made me feel a lot more compassion to myself, as like you've said, if someone had a recurrence of a physical illness it would be a matter of concern - not blame.

I hope you're feeling better after the doctors? Sounds like you are going through a bit of a rough time too at the moment! 

Brooke

[geoff]

dear Brookey, I'm not sure whether or not I have replied to you, doesn't matter anyway, but so pleased you have come to mention what is troubling yourself.

Unfortunately what you have described is what happens with depression, because once we have it, it doesn't really leave us, but please don't look at this in a negative way, because with depression we learn a hell of a lot experience, not that we really think this, however we do.

I say this because we then know any signals that could drive us back into visiting the black dog, and any situations we know to avoid, so we have learnt this along the way, as well as people to not see, current situations that we know we shouldn't go to, because what happens if we do go then we are very susceptible to falling back into depression, and whether we call this having a relapse is very possible.

I often say that I have overcome depression, and yes and no, because I do have relapses and these can happen for a specific reason, but eventually I know that I will recover again and then get on with life.

It's impossible to even know when this could happen, and yes it is very annoying, because once again we're down with the dog, which makes us tired and anti social.

The amount of strength we need to stop a relapse is enormous, too big for me to do so, and I'm not sure whether that this is possible.

What is going to happen with me in, say, 4 years, well I am oldish and don't think about it, however when you are young you try and believe that what you want to happen will come true, but in life there are so many variables that could change your direction.

I wish that relapses would stop, but it's out of my hands, but what I have to do is learn that they will pass. Geoff.

[brookey]

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for your message. It really sucks to feel this way doesn't it? I think it's so hard because is you were suffering from any other illness this much I really feel like family/friends would provide a bit more support. Unfortunately because of the nature of depression (and also other mental health problems), I think getting support is difficult because: a) people don't realise you are suffering; b) when people do find out you're suffering they often can respond negatively; and c) I think people sometimes can be really unsure of how to comfort someone who is feeling so down. 

I think the one thing that is helping me at the moment is that I know that things can't stay this way forever, which brings me at least some bit of hope that things will get better eventually. I just feel like giving up sometimes as well, but like you I know it's not an option. There are many things that I would like to achieve and do in my life eventually, and I would hate for my mental health to mean that they aren't possible. So for now, I'm really trying hard to resist the urge just to quit everything and give up, because I know that maybe in the future things might get better.....

Hope you are going ok too 🙂

Brooke

[brookey]

Hi Geoff, thanks so much for your reply. I'm actually feel really touched that people who I don't even know have actually bothered to even reply to me, it really means a lot.

Interesting that you mention the positive aspects of going through depression. I definitely agree that I have grown a lot as a person due to my experiences with my mental health. I think that without my depression I would not nearly be as compassionate and empathetic as I am now, so in the strangest of ways I am glad that I've had this experience and don't regret that I have had to face this because I think in the long run it is making me a better person. 

I agree with your advice in regards to waiting for time to pass - I think that over time I have learnt to consider my relapses into depression as just things that happen, as opposed to a measure of my own success/failure at managing my own emotions. Knowing that I have such a strong family history for this, as well as some other factors that make depression more likely, I realised that it was more productive for me to take a long-term approach to handling my mental health as opposed to seeing it as a one-off thing. I think that although I'm still having a very hard time now I can be proud of the fact that I am slowly coping with it better than I would have when I was younger, and that I am still managing to try and do the things I like in life. 

Thank you so much for your response Geoff. I think it is so good to be able to hear from people who've experienced this for a lot longer than me - definitely a lot of wisdom to draw from all you in how to manage your depression, and live life without it completely destroying everything in its path 🙂 

[Doolhof]

Hi Geoff and Brookey,

I'd just like to thank you both for your posts. They have encouraged me greatly. I am now looking forward to my day in a different frame of mind from when I first woke up.

So thank you so much for sharing and for the positiveness in your words.

Cheers to you both from Lauren

[brookey]

Hi Lauren, I posted a separate reply to both you and Mary but  just wanted to say thanks so much for both of you for replying - I really appreciate your thoughts and comments! I really related to both your stories and experiences and it made me feel less alone in my current struggles.

I'm really glad that you are feeling better this morning - that is really awesome. Just goes to show how connection with others in similar experiences can be such a positive force. 🙂 

[White_Rose]

Dear Brooke

Thanks for your lovely reply. So pleased you are feeling better than earlier in the year. Are you having sessions with a psych via a mental health plan? It sounds that way and I wonder if cost is a factor in your decision to "save" some sessions. An alternative is have counseling through Relationships Australia. I realise this would mean a different therapist but you would be able to have more constant counseling. I believe the cost is quite small, something like $20. Just a thought.

Although it's horrid that we have these difficulties the good part is knowing that we are not alone. And your comment that depression has made you more empathetic resonates with me. It's not a place I would ever have wanted to be but it is really amazing how we see others in a different light.

My weekend has turned out better than I thought. Today I went back to church for the first time in a while. I have been sick and many of my activities have been out of reach. When I returned I got energized and cleaned out my garage, a long overdue project. Mind you, by the time I had finished I was pretty pooped, even with a couple of rests, so I had a nanna nap this afternoon and here I am ready to manage the rest of the day.

Do you find when you complete one of 'those' jobs that it is quite exhilarating? I feel quite virtuous now. However I think I will be less energetic for the rest of the day.

Hope your weekend was great.

Mary