What should I do?

mel121 · ‎11-12-2019

hey guys, new here. I was diagnosed with depression since I was 14. I’ve been to many councillors found one that I liked, and also was anti-depressants at one stage. I don’t want to go back on them as I had a relapse and turned me for the worst. I’ve learnt to manage without them from then.. having ups and downs. At 23 I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes for years I was denial about it but now I’m starting to take care of myself.

As of current, I’ve just started a new job after working at my old job for a year it has messed me up. The manager was a narcissist would threaten I would have no job, nothing I ever did was good enough, I wasn’t the only employee in this field that got it, but I feel like she broke me. It made my depression the worst it has ever been. Now I have a new job you would think I would be much happier. I’m currently going back to uni to study nursing so working temporarily at a retail shop. I’m just so lost, I’m 29, single still living at home although I should be blessed as there’s so much opportunity to work on myself and be better. I feel defeated and I’ll never get back on top or I’ll never make it. I feel excited for nothing, just numb 😞

Birdy77 · ‎11-12-2019

Dear mel121,

It's absolutely terrific to hear that you have taken care of yourself by changing jobs and getting away from that hurtful boss.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, i think it will take some time to recover from the horrid treatment at your old job, just like in any relationship that involves narcissistic abuse, you need to rebuild yourself, so give yourself some time to ease back into it.

How wonderful that you are going back to uni to study nursing. You can be so proud of yourself for that.

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel so lost at the moment. I know that feeling and it is awful. I can only suggest what i do when i go through these periods is try to just bring the focus down to the here and now - rather than thinking too far into the future or getting too overwhelmed with looking at life as a whole, maybe just try looking at today or this week, what things you can do that would help you to feel better. I am going through a bit of a phase myself at the moment and i am trying to introduce or re-introduce one good/healthy habit at a time to rebuild my sense of myself.

You mentioned that you found a counsellor that you liked - are you still seeing them? That might help you to get back on top of things after your old job?

I'm really glad you've come here for support.

You are amongst friends here and are welcome any time.

🌻birdy

Chivebag · ‎11-12-2019

Life always has its ups and downs. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that you should just focus on the bad parts of life when there is so much good around in life! Everybody gets sad from time to time. Its whats part of being human. We have different ways of coping up from the things that don’t go on our way. Others choose to go clubbing with their friends, while there are those who prefer spending time alone trying to make themselves feel better by watching a movie or eating a pint of ice cream while crying their heart out. We try to cheer ourselves up because, at the end of the day, nobody will care as much as we care for our own selves. For the most part of my life, I had to take care of myself because I realized that everything is in my hands.

Croix · ‎11-12-2019

Dear Mel121~

I'd like to join Birdy and Chivebag in welcoming you here to the Forum.

Yes I can understand feeling lost, defeated and that you will never be on top of things again. As someone wiht depression you will know how much that illness distorts one's thoughts.

There is a marked difference between how you are feeling and what you are actually doing. Look at your accomplishments.

● You have lived with depression for over 16 years and more than managed

● You are studying, something designed to improve your life and that of others

● You are working to help support yourself

● Very importantly you have broken away from a toxic work environment with a boss who to put it simply, bullied you. This last accomplishment firstly shows bravery in gettng away, and secondly does leave one feeling powerless and worthless, even at times guilt.

I don't really understand why but it is a quirk of human nature and very many feel it in these sorts of circumstances.

I strongly suspect it has promoted your depression, which does lead to those feelings of hopelessness and being adrift and numbness all round.

As Birdy has asked, can you return to the medical people that helped you before and consult wiht them again. It may be a short term of meds or therapy could be enough to restore you to how you were?

Apart from medical support do those in your family, or a friend, understand your thoughts and feelings and want to help- no necessarily by trying to fix thngs, but just showing love and care?

Croix

therising · ‎12-12-2019

Hi mel121

Boy how I wish I could have been there along with you in that old job. Grrr...some people really grind my gears (that ex boss of yours). Would loved to have said 'You know your management strategies are seriously defective. You understand that you are not the centre of the universe! These stars around you is what makes that universe tick! They also keep you in a job' I could go on but then that would just be ranty 🙂

How do you think that ex boss of yours would have coped if you'd said to her (without threat of being sacked), 'I challenge you to gain a greater sense of morality. I challenge you to develop intelligent management skills as opposed to primitive outdated ones that lack a sense of consciousness'?

mel121, you on the other hand - a totally different person:

You accepted the challenge of consciously finding a new job
You consciously accepted the challenge of going back to uni whilst trying to balance that with working
You consciously accepted the challenge of managing your diabetes
You're still consciously trying to accept the challenges that are posed when feeling at an all time low

I'm sure the list goes on.

Those who are in the position to raise us or even give us a raise (financially at times) should not be in such a position when they do nothing other than drain us and abuse us. They have placed themselves in a position of arrogance and self-gratification and they're getting paid for their shocking behaviour.

You are an incredibly powerful person in my opinion. I imagine you are also an incredibly sensitive person given your call to nursing. You're beautiful. The down side to being sensitive is that we feel so much so easily at times. The up side - we feel so much so easily at times when we're surrounded by amazing inspiring people. Learning to manage our sensitivity comes down to being supported by the amazing inspiring people who are able to convince us of the truth: We are amazing, we are powerful, we are beautiful and we are loving conscious people who are capable of meeting challenges others may find difficult to meet. Regarding your ex boss: How well would she have coped with all the challenges you've faced? Would she have complained or blamed others for the difficult positions she found herself in?

Seek out beautiful people who only see the truth of who you are and open your mind to letting them convince you of this truth. Allow them to raise you to a new perspective. Let no one bring you down, for they have no right.

🙂

mel121 · ‎16-12-2019

Thank you for your kind words!
sometimes you just need to talk to someone you don’t know to get a different perception on things. I am seeing my councillor in feb, I could not get in any earlier, I have been to many councillors and found she worked best for me 🙂

mel121 · ‎16-12-2019

This is correct but it is sometimes hard to think that way when your not in the right frame of mind also!

It is great to hear you took control of your own life and be able to tell your story to help others 🙂