What's wrong with me?

[CaptainCab]

Hi,

I went through a separation earlier this year which has caused a few bumps in the road. My current work contract expires end of December and not being renewed and I am constantly picking apart my life as to why I don't have any formal qualifications, why I don't have any friends, why I have restricted interests (the same from when I was a teenager), why I don't know much about how the world works (or even simple things work) and why I just haven't been able to find happiness or purpose in my life.

As you can imagine I have very low self-esteem, most things I attempt I fail at even if it's doing "manly things" like trying to fix something, I just always end up stuffing it up and I get angry with myself "that's what you get for trying" mentality and that has been my whole mindset for as long as I can remember, if it's too hard I won't be able to do it or meh why bother?

I am in my mid 40's, I am on my own and I don't want the rest of my life to just pass me by still feeling this way.

I don't know what kind of support/help I need in posting this. I feel like I am a failure and not sure what I can really offer anybody whether it be personally or professionally.

I am on medication for depression/anxiety for what it's worth.

Thanks for reading

[Emmen]

Dear CaptainCab,

Everybody is worth something, you just have to discover what your worth is.

You're looking for happiness and purpose, but you've been having a tough time. You've been through a separation and your work contract is not getting renewed. These are events that can make anyone feel hopeless. Adding to that, you're also highly critical of yourself, your qualification, your interests etc.

I wonder if you can see your life from the point of view of what you have achieved. You didn't have formal qualifications, but you clearly had other skills that got you a job. You have the same interests as you had when you were a teenager, but so what? It must mean you have a lot of dedication to remain interested in that same thing! You try to do "manly things" and stuff it up...well, in all honesty, learning how to fix something comes with practice, even for men! Don't give up. Know that it's a learning cycle.

With regards to finding purpose, what do you aspire to have in life? How can you achieve this? For instance, you say you don't know much about how the world works. How about watching documentaries on this? If you enjoy reading, books are another option. Take some time to think of what you want out of life and consider how you can achieve your goals. It's okay if nothing comes to mind now. You just have to take the time to slowly understand yourself.

You don't sound like a failure to me. Each one of us goes through our own life journeys to find our happiness and purpose. We'll hit bumps along the way, and that's just part of the process.

Keep sharing in this forum, CaptainCab. I hope you'll feel supported in our community.

Kindly,
M

[geoff]

Hello CaptainCab, and a warm welcome.

Separation brings so many different thoughts to mind as well as emotions including frustration, anger, confusion but relief where you once again have to reestablish yourself, but it's different now, much has changed than before you were married.

If this decision wasn't yours then rejection and insecurities, not knowing what's around the corner, another problem to try and cope with adds on to everything else.

We're unsure who remains friends with us and could be too scared to even ask and wait for them to contact us, which may or may not happen.

Compare qualifications against experience these days has changed because if you do have letters next to your name also means a debt needs to be paid off and this could be quite considerable, although there are some professions this doesn't include doctor or specialist etc.

Any lost friends can be established with new ones and we're still uncertain about maintaining a job this year which has destroyed any normality by this virus.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi CaptainCab

I feel for you so much as you try to make sense of the way ahead, especially after traveling such a bumpy road to get to this point.

May seem weird but it sounds like you're in a state of extreme overwhelming wonder: I wonder why I don't have any formal qualifications, why I don't have any friends, why I have restricted interests, why I don't know much about how the world and why I haven't been able to find happiness or purpose.

I imagine you're beginning to wonder your way toward consciously reforming yourself. Can't help but wonder whether you can relate to the following:

• Did you ever feel any great need to focus on formal qualifications until now?
• Did you ever feel the need to seek a solid circle of friends (your 'go to' people) 'til now?
• Did you ever feel the serious need to seek new interests, 'til now? Was nothing worth getting interested in, in your opinion?
• Before now, did you ever feel a need to know how the world works or even how you work?
• Have you ever been led to find happiness or purpose in life? Was there anyone who really inspired you to find and feel these things or were you surrounded by somewhat uninspiring people?

I know, I ask a lot of questions. Having left my years in depression behind me, I've gradually learned that one of the most productive ways of managing to stay out involves questioning, as opposed to making statements about perceived 'failures'. I suppose this all began when I 1st came out of my depression, wondering about how I graduated into it, what or who kept me there for about 15 years, why I behaved the way I did, how I managed to come out etc. The #1 thing I wondered about the most and still do wonder about is 'Who am I?' I believe, the truth is...we're always changing, evolving into a new version of our self, gradually trying to re-member who we were at some point, before we became dismembered from our natural self (that easily excitable adventurous kid that wondered about and questioned everything).

I believe we can reach a point where we just can't tolerate the sameness of life. The compulsion then becomes about finding a difference. We can begin to seek the difference, through wonder. Forgiving our self and developing an open mind invites inspiration. I've found that so much wonder, all at once, will always take place on the verge of extreme reformation, based on the desire to reform our entire self.

If you've become sensitive enough to feel an overwhelming need for change, trust your feelings.

🙂

[The Snu]

Hi CaptainCab,

You sound like a lovely, sensitive and caring person.

I was the opposite of you, the high achieving and practicaly handywoman person, tons of qualifications with all of the great interests and ability to make thousands of friends. It didn’t work for me either, so you’re not missing out there!

What worked for me was learning to depend on myself and learning that I could trust myself. I lived alone for a very long time and still do – at first I was lonely, but then I overcame it after several years. Now, I back myself much better with esteem and other people seem a bit weird to me because they are pushy and take time away from the valuable activities I do with myself etc. I was never really a feminine type of woman, I actually enjoyed taking apart washing machines at 2am because I could. But my neighbours, friends etc could never understand it in the context of who I was supposed to be, the same way people might not have understood you.

It’s OK to be a caring and sensitive male. It’s OK to be a strong and independent female. I think spending more time with yourself that aims to strengthen your relationship with yourself would help your esteem. Do stuff by yourself that you did as a child or that feels good. Relax, explore, play, enjoy. Day jobs will always be there at some point in the background (even if they’re a few years to get a hold of). I wouldn’t worry about getting gov payments as long as you can pay your bills. There’s no need to feel like a failure, society’s messaging is all negative for the people who don’t fit into it. Try to tune out and tune into you instead.

Not sure medication is way to go or not. It didn’t help me but apparently it does help others from what I’ve heard.

Hope this helps.

[CaptainCab]

Hi M,

Thank you for reaching out.

I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my purpose is and I don't know what's going to make me feel like I have achieved something worthwhile.

I have tried talking to my GP about what I am feeling but I just can't use the words to describe it. The medication I am on has levelled me out but to a point where it's hard to feel happy and hard to feel sad (auto pilot). Before the medication I was experiencing highs but mostly lows so I dunno.

I really don't enjoy my own company, I don't know what makes me tick - I want friends but when I have had them in the past it was always me initiating to see them not the other way around so I distanced myself from them because I thought if they want to see me they can make the effort. I hate being lonely because I think about all the stuff that I can't do or things I don't know.

I have lived my whole life with the attitude "if I need to know something I will look it up". I am envious of well educated people or people that read books and have a very good general knowledge of things but i feel like with my brain I struggle to retain information. I can read an article online and maybe be able to remember one thing about it. I can't even tell you the name of my medication because it's a big word like everything else in the medical world, I refer them to as my depression tablets.

As I get older the more I beat myself up because I still feel young but so far behind and I know one day I am going to be old and grey and full of regrets and it makes me so sad because I don't know how to snap out of it and start living!

[yggdrasil]

Hi Mate,

Thank you for sharing this. I relate to these feelings very much. I experienced family crisis in my final years of high school, resulting in me failing then repeating year 12. I think I have felt inferior to others ever since, particularly high achieving people and highly qualified people. I've always felt dumb and that I can't contribute. Gradually I got into the habit of trying to push myself just a little bit each day. People talk about two steps forward, one step back. It's more like 100 steps forward 99 steps back I think. But things move forward slowly. After failing year 12 I also felt really insecure about qualifications. I pushed and pushed for 12 years and finally got a masters degree. I still feel dumb and insecure and incompetent though, even after publishing papers and winning prizes and all kinds of stuff. I'll just get hit with the depression cricket bat to the head, everything gets sort of foggy and I'll lose my smarts. I recently had another crazy breakdown and now am on leave from PhD. It's crazy I don't understand it. I've decided that qualifications and these kinds of achievements can't make you whole and can't make you feel ok about yourself. I don't think there are any easy answers with any of these things. There are kids out there at uni who are just geniuses who I'll never be competitive with no matter how hard I work. However, I have managed to surprise myself and exceed my own self expectations by just slowly, slowly pushing myself, even if I routinely mess it up. One strategy I've followed is that when things fall apart with work or relationships or whatever, I try to find some volunteer work to do. For example I volunteered at the community farm in Eltham when I was in my late teens, then again when I moved back to VIC in 2015. I'm looking for more volunteer work now in aged care, disability support or tutoring. Work that is high status or requires high qualifications isn't necessarily the most important or the most fulfilling.

[CaptainCab]

Hi therising,

To answer your questions:

Did you ever feel any great need to focus on formal qualifications until now? So many people go to uni or have some kind of qualification and I feel envious that they knew what they wanted and went out and did it. I feel that because I haven't done that, then I am not smart or intelligent.
Did you ever feel the need to seek a solid circle of friends (your 'go to' people) 'til now? Ever since I was a teenager I haven't had many friends, everywhere in society there is a requirement for you to surround yourself with family and friends. I find it hard to make and keep friends - I don't enjoy going out at night and somewhat a loner but like i have said my friends that I do have typically don't pick up the phone, it's always me and I feel that it's not genuine, it should work both ways. I often feel jealous when I go on a walk and see groups of friends together having fun.
Did you ever feel the serious need to seek new interests, 'til now? Was nothing worth getting interested in, in your opinion? I don't even know what makes me happy, I don't know if I have the desire or energy to develop new interests that's why I default to the interests I had when I was a kid, it helps me feel young I guess. I am forever living in the past, I struggle with the fact I am in my 40's and want to be a kid again.
Before now, did you ever feel a need to know how the world works or even how you work? I have always felt that I should have a better general knowledge of things. My son asked me why the sky was blue, I said I dunno. So many day to day things I don't even think about how they work or why things are the way they are. Even if I learn something by looking it up chances are I will forget it as I don't retain new things very well. I often don't involve myself in certain conversations because I don't have the knowledge even common things like sports or politics.

Have you ever been led to find happiness or purpose in life? Was there anyone who really inspired you to find and feel these things or were you surrounded by somewhat uninspiring people? If something appeared to be too hard I didn't bother pursuing something, to me stress and failure means unhappiness so I have always tried to play things safely in my life. I don't understand how people can endure challenges and stress to get what they want. Those qualities were never instilled in me so I don't know how to be a go getter, I have no ambition and no drive (not sure why?).

[therising]

Hi CaptainCab

I can relate to what you say. Being a 50yo gal now, a lot of what I used to think was 'wrong' with me makes sense, now that I've graduated out of my depression and into my search for greater self understanding.

I imagine you began life like your son, wonderful. 'I wonder why the sky is blue. I wonder what we're having for dinner tonight. I wonder if I can get to the top of that tree.' We have a super natural ability to wonder when we're young. I realised what typically happens is the wonder is conditioned out of us. You know those things you hear from adults, 'Stop asking so many questions. You need to focus on more important things. You're being difficult and ridiculous' etc, etc. We lose our wonderful self, until we re-turn to it (turn to it again). I wonder a heck of a lot. I can drive people a little crazy at times, especially my husband. I've said to him, on more than one occasion 'Do you ever wonder why you repeat that particular behaviour?' His response 'I don't know why. I just do it'. 'What do you mean you don't know? Do you wonder why you don't know?'. Often, he'll respond with 'No!'. My response 'How could you not wonder about these things? That would drive me insane not knowing'. I have to know why I do what I do. I suppose, besides my natural love for being more conscious, this is what helps me manage to stay out of depression (understanding my behaviour).

Personally, I have few friends, by choice. I go for quality, not quantity. Also, I'm a firm believer in 'There is a season': As my life shifts into a new stage, so do my interests and therefor my interests will naturally draw me toward new people. Who I select out of those people, remains my choice.

Interests, unless they get 'approval' from others, will be degraded. This is what I've learned. So, if you're naturally interested in something pretty harmless and constructive, go for it. Myself, I'm a 'weirdo'. I'm naturally interested in the mind/body/spirit aspect of life (from psychology, biology and quantum physics through to the basic nature of life or energy). I'd spent a lifetime of people talking me out of my interests, the things I love. I've learned to ignore people in favour of being my natural self.

You can be in the middle of a group of people talking about politics, for example, and still be engaging. All you have to do is spark the natural wonder in people: 'Have you ever wondered why that politician acts the way he does or why he has us all in such a pickle?'

🙂