Hi Jaqui
You sound like a very sensitive person, in fact sensitive enough to feel when people are bringing you down.
You mention 'People make me lose myself'. If you don't mind, I'd like to slip a word in there - People make me lose my natural self. If this is the case, who are you, naturally? What abilities does your natural self possess? Can't help but wonder, is your natural self
- a seeker of excitement but people tend to bring you down instead, to inactivity or boredom?
- a seeker of answers? Do you wonder a fair bit until others insist 'Stop asking so many questions!'?
- super sensitive? Do folk insist you should 'Toughen up', become more insensitive?
- able to feel physical emotion very easily?
- desperate for difference when everyone else is content with sameness?
I could go on but who we are naturally can involve a super long list.
I can easily imagine, in that last session with your physiologist, you wondering 'Why the heck I am doing nothing other than reading this pamphlet?'. Good question. I've found it's one thing to keep our wonder to our self, it's quite another to wonder out loud. Wondering out loud at someone will either trigger them to give us an answer or it will trigger them to defensiveness. From my experience, the easiest way to wonder out loud involves not thinking (our way out of it). While it takes practice, in order to naturally override low self-esteem, it's always important to be conscious of the need for a filter at times. Eg: While inspiration may say 'Wonder at that person. Seek the answer', I wouldn't wonder at my boss 'Why are you being so insensitive?' if I want to keep my job. Yes, a filter is important at times.
I'm a gal who's depression involved a significant amount of alcohol, during those challenging years. Looking back, I understand why I drank. 'Numb' was better than feeling sad, angry, full of self hate, disappointment etc. I was suppressing my intolerance toward others and my self, the self I didn't want to be. I could barely tolerate that self. Mixing the chemistry of booze with our natural chemistry does create depressing chemistry, something to keep in mind.
From experience, I've come to understand the 'relapses'. Everything can be fine until a challenge crops up. There's nothing like a mind altering life changing challenge to throw a spanner in the works. On the up side, in rising to meet that challenge, the revelations that come through it can alter our life and our mind (raise our consciousness) for the better.
🙂
