what's wrong with me? part 1 (because apparently 2489>2500)

[Bbygrl2022]

Hello everyone i hope everyone is okay today if not thats okay too we will get through this

this is my situation:

i turn 20 in two weeks, and i dont know if ill make it this year.. every year when my birthday comes around she visits, the part of me that was all i had looking after me back in 2016. 

When my dad was on his deathbed, my mum so distraught she couldn't even look after herself and my siblings were to young to understand what was going on. that part of me matured overnight from a scared 12 year old to a stand in parent that looked after her siblings and stood strong next to her mother to keep the family together. that part of me that started to ask god to take her instead, and when he wouldn't respond she tried to take the matter into her own hands. she didn't succeed but her dad did get better and after time i got her to leave and things were normal for a time.

9 months later dad was back in hospital and guess who came back? yeap, she was hardened now after being sent away so she was more insistent and yet gentle with me so the inflictions gave me peace... for a time and much like drugs you never get that good a kick as the first time so her ideas weren't as scary and nauseating as they were to start with.  but i delayed once more until dad got better but she wouldn't leave a second time, so she changed her ways. 

[Bbygrl2022]

continuing from my last post:

neither of us wanted to die anymore, but we still inflicted peace when ever i wanted to lash out at someone else i would instead do it to myself. i called it progress, and it was working until my mum (now an angrier person who grieved for a man that came back but wasn't the same)she found out and instead of handling it properly decided to physically abuse me. 14 year old me realized that no one cared that i needed help dealing with that other part of me and so shoved her deep down to try silence her for good. 

Every year since the first attempt which was exactly a week before my birthday that part of me comes back, more difficult then the year before and always when i dont have the strength to push her away. i have tried to get help, but all it results in is anger and confirmation that no one actually gives a damn. i was saved last year after i moved out of home because of my ex partner who took me away for that whole week, but this year im alone,  and its getting hard to push her away because she's soothing and at least she's here for me...

Thank you for listening, i hope your all okay

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bbygrl2022, 
 
Thank you for sharing with us here. We can hear you’ve been through some really difficult stuff and are feeling really worried about this time of year. We’re really glad you could come and share this here, it’s not an easy thing to do and we really admire you doing so. 
 
We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through with the lovely counsellors there. A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:  

• Beyond Blue  
• Kids Helpline  
• Lifeline  
• Headspace (9am-1am AEST)  
   

We’d also recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.  

Hopefully, you’ll hear from this lovely community soon. Maybe you could help them along by letting us know what kind of support you have at the moment, and if anyone around you is helpful or understanding with how you’re feeling? 
 
Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Bbygrl2022

I feel for you so deeply, given everything you've faced and still face today. It's heartbreaking, to think you've never felt anything that relieves the ongoing pain and torment.

A brilliant book, in my opinion, is 'Insanely Gifted', by Jamie Catto. His take on managing different aspects of self is revealing. He speaks about when certain parts of us come to life. Each part of us can be born out of necessity, hardship or trauma, pure joy or mind altering revelation etc. How each part of us is born, under what circumstances, with what nature etc becomes key to managing. What triggers them to come back to life is also a part of understanding and managing some of the challenges they may pose.

Being a gal who has a variety of natures, I've found gaining greater understanding of each one to be liberating. Eg: while I'd spent a number of years trying so hard to manage the people pleaser in me that insists I please everyone, it's only within the past couple of years that I've come to realise how depressing this part of me can be. The people pleaser in me just loves to dictate 'Don't worry about you, suppress how you feel and just focus on making everyone else happy'. On the odd occasion in the past where I'd lose my mind and scream or cry at people when everything became too much, I'd later feel so guilty and ashamed. Then, one day, I woke up to the idea this was my intolerant sense of self coming to life on occasions, to serve me. She's upstanding, doesn't tolerate abuse, is great for self esteem and is incredibly feisty. I love her, this part of me. But here's the thing...when she comes to life, I also have to channel the sage in me who may dictate 'Do not burn bridges unless you have to. Be careful in what you say. Do not lead people to sadness' etc. When people speak about 'being in 2 minds', sometimes this is the best way to manage.

What part of you do you perhaps need to channel to life, in order to manage this aspect of you that challenges you so deeply?. What qualities would they need to have?

❤️