Supporting a partner who wants to do it alone

[Jess553]

My partner has slipped into a bout of depression. We've been together 4.5 years without anything like this happening before.  We were living together but he left to live at work 11 weeks ago.  He isn't comfortable talking about whats going on. He says no-one will ever understand. I am sure it's due to his mothers death 8 years ago. She was murdered in a dv situation and there was an incident a few weeks before his depression that spurred it.  He has entirely isolated himself from everyone and looks at me like I'm nothing. He finally decided to get help and has been seeing a psychologist which is amazing and I'm so grateful that he has sought help. But he still isn't coming home. He said he doesn't want to come home while he is in therapy because he feels like he wants to kill the first person he sees when he leaves. He says it's painful, and he doesn't want to bring that back to me.  I understand that as much as I can. But what really hurts me most is the lack of communication, intimacy and care on his part.  He has gotten better since the first few weeks. Msging me every now and again.  I get so pathetically excited if he asks me how my day is going which I know is sad but it gets my hopes up. He stopped being able to say I love you.  He hasn't said he doesn't, just that he feels empty, doesn't care about anything including himself. I ask if he's leaving me and he would say he doesnt know how he'll feel tomorrow or sometimes he says if he was going to he would do it by now.  On Friday he was able to say I love you again once, but was it because i gave him his birthday presents and was crying becausd I miss him?  But I swear his eyes looked red like he was hurting too. But am I seeing things where there isn't anything to see because it's easier for me? I could hold on forever, I love him so much. But is it normal for a person with depression to not be able to express love to their partner?  Is it likely to come back after he had worked through his anger in therapy about his childhood and mother?  Is he in his isolation and basically forgetting about me and our relationship because he's not there and we're barely talking except the good morning and good night I send him.  Im struggling with my own anxiety and depression as a result of everything. But any help I seek out suggests I leave or just look after me. But I want to support him and I want some reassurance that im not stupid for doing so. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jess553

Thank you very much for joining our community, you are very welcome here, and we do hope you will get a lot out of talking with your peers in the community. 

Depression, especially when related to trauma and grief, can devastate everything. It can be horribly hurtful and disorienting - and just as much so for loved ones around the sufferer. It sounds like your partner is trying to protect you - though he may also be trying to shield himself from being vulnerable - and those we love most can always get under our armour - especially when we might not be ready for them to. 

To your question, can depression make someone not express love for a partner? It is fair to say that in some cases depression can make any feeling and expressing ANY emotion incredibly difficult; whilst we tend to expect Depression causing intense sadness, it can also arise as extreme numbness of emotions, agitation and frustration. We are very glad to hear that he is receiving help.

It is natural to want to continue to support your partner, and we hope he will allow you to do so. Certainly, in the meantime let us encourage you to please look after you. Spend time getting the connections and resources you require, and the support you need in this situation. It isn't as simple as "just leave" and we know that. However, regardless of whether he allows you to help him or not, you will need to be in a good place to get through this.  

Please feel free to reach out to us at any time on 1300 22 4636 or click here for the webchat, please also consider talking to your GP about other supports that might be available for you.

Please keep in touch, we want to hear how you are doing!

Regards,

Sophie M.

 

[yggdrasil]

Hi Jess553,

Thank you for posting on these forums. Different people will have different perspectives on supporting partners through bad mental health, but no one here will think you're stupid for wanting to support your partner. I also agree that advice like "just look after you" can be unhelpful in situations like yours.

That said, I think it's worth thinking carefully about the type of support you want to provide. My opinion is that romantic partners should generally not be trying to perform psychologist/therapist type roles with one another. I think the emotions involved in romantic relationships can be so instense it's very easy for overly heavy mental health conversations to be mutually "triggering", potentially leaving both people feeling worse then before. This was my experience anyway. Instead, I think professionals (and other emotionally removed people like those here) are the best people to have the really heavy mental health conversations with. It sounds like your partner is pursuing professional help seriously which is a really good sign. 

I understand how painful the lack of communication must be, but It may be very difficult, or even undesirable, for him to communicate much about what he's going through with you. He may be feeling intense shame, and this shame can easily turn into uglier emotions like jealousy and resentment. This is what happened with me when I was struggling, and I also had to step away from my partner at that time to shield her from it. 

I think whatever support you seek to provide, you should aim to lower the emotional stakes in your interactions (but of course this is easier said than done.) Maybe you could suggest some super low stress activities to do together - e.g. kick a ball in the park. Something that doesn't require constant conversation, is low pressure, but allows you to be around each other. This will implicitly show him how much you love him, while also not being intense. You could even suggest something that gives him the chance to "show off", i.e. something he's good at: this could alleviate potential shame.

The key thing to remember with all this is that depression, or any other condition, doesn't excuse abusive behaviour. It won't help your partner either if you tolerate it. It's important to remember this as you seek to provide support. I hope the above ideas are helpful to you in some way. Look after yourself! 

[Croix]

Dear Jess553~

Welcome to the forum, I'm particularly glad you have met Sophie as  her advice is always good. And, no you are not being stupid - any more than my partner was.

You are going through something that is incredibly difficult and there is no real guide to show you what to do. In part it is other's experience, in part it is instinct.

May I ask if you are trying to cope with this alone or do you have a family member or friend to support you, maybe just by listening and caring - it can make a huge difference. You might consider seeing your GP too for your welfare

Maybe it might help you to know that I have been in a situation where I was genuinely afraid I might react and hurt my partner. At the same time I was aware I was hurting her emotionally.

I had PTSD, depression and other things to contend with.  My fear of hurting was if I was brought out of a mental state where I was totally preoccupied or reliving the past then I might react violently. (I never did).

I was emotionally distant, angry, no intimacy, withdrawing, not wanting to talk. My mind was overflowing with thoughts brought on by depression and I had no room left to deal with anyone.

Also I’d lost touch with myself. I’d no idea who I loved, or even if I was capable of love.  It was like I was on the other side of a dark glass wall watching my self and the things I did, but not comprehending why.

My partner at first thought it was her fault, but after my psychiatrist had explained and emphasised that these were known symptoms, not the result of anything she was or did, she became confident enough to deal with me.

We never parted but did leave me alone a fair bit and I'll always be grateful she was there for me. She too did not know what to do, as sometimes I'd react normally, other times I'd be angry and resentful, even in response to something mild, like being asked if I’d like a cuppa.

You do not have to be living with someone to just show continuing love.  So you see if your partner is like me, it may well be he is keeping a distance.  I'm very glad he has started to get psychiatric help, it is the only way I recovered enough to lead a happy and loving life again.

I hope we can talk some more

Croix

[Jess553]

Hello Croix,

Thank you so much, I really do appreciate hearing an account from someone on the other side.  I think that he feels like he has to do this alone, like he's weak if he relies on me.  

He said that he used to talk to his Mum when she was alive and that talking to me almost feels like a betrayal to her, like replacing her.  So I can understand that.  I just don't want to hold on in case he isn't ever coming back.  But more so, I don't want to do anything that could make it worse or not help. 

He does seem to be getting better.  He talks to me on his own sometimes, mostly about work but every now and again he asks how my day is. We started playing a video game together online so that was a huge thing.  I don't visit him anymore, I am too scared of the indifference because it hurts and I don't want to react too emotionally and make it worse.  I pretend I'm okay when I see him as much as I can.  But then I have moments where I break down and tell him how scared I am.  Then I feel embarrassed that I sound so desperate.  It's hard to find the line between being open and not desperate.  I'm worried I'm making this too easy for him. Am I enabling his isolation too much?  I'm getting paralyzed wondering if there is something I should/shouldn't be doing.

I read a book about mens depression and I'm having a bit of a panic attack, it said "I tell the wives of depressed men: “If you directly confront this condition and do not back away from reasonable demands for intimacy, there may be a fifty-fifty chance your husband will leave you. But, if you do not honestly engage with these issues, there is a ninety percent chance your relationship will slowly corrode over time."

He is seeing the therapist, all he said is that it's painful and it may take months as he has 25 years to deal with.  That makes me think that he isn't talking to the therapist about our relationship.  It feels like he's put me in a box to think about later when he has gotten the rest of his life sorted out.

I am seeing my own therapist since I'm not coping. Back on medication again now for my own depression/anxiety.  It's just hard when I feel like they think I'm stupid and ask things like 'do you deserve to be treated like that?"  No, of course I don't, but it's a disease and shouldn't they understand that more than anyone?  

[Jess553]

Hello yggdrasil,

I think you're right in that he is trying to protect me, he has told me as much which I am grateful for.  He would have left me if he didn't still want this to work and I have to assume that he is still in there somewhere.  I'm just so scared that I won't do the right thing or that I will make it too easy for him to leave, or push him away.  I have tried really hard to lower my emotional stakes, to not be hurt when I do see him and he is distant, or when he doesn't say I love you, but it's just so hard.  Like a deep cut every time I don't hear that love returned.  However, we have started playing an online game together and that's from me asking and then him following up so it's got to be something of a good sign.  I just have to hope I can keep that momentum going and hope that he eventually sees me again.  

He isn't abusive, he's just isolated and distant and either unable or incapable of expressing/feeling love/care.  I don't know what consitutes abuse and where I need to draw the line.  

[Croix]

Dear Jess553~

Yes it is hard to draw a line, however if your partner is having the same sort of thoughts as me then he will at some level know that he is hurting you. If whenever you are together he is obviously reminded of that - if you burst into tears for example, that would, in my case anyway, increase his burden. (This may be what that first part of that book may be trying to get at.)

I would suggest you can make it very obvious you are always going to be there without having a heavy conversation about it - just say it occasionally. In fact I'd suggest keeping things light - no matter how rejected, hurt and frightened you may feel inside.

If you are light he will not be as inclined to fear your visits. That is not to say this is the answer to his problems, simply you are firstly not making matters worse, and secondly providing comfort - playing that game sounded like an excellent example.

You do keep mentioning about making things 'too easy'. Maybe you are thinking if you do not object to his withdrawal then he will drift away from you permanently. I'm not sure that is possible. If he wants you he will return when he is able. And he may both be so overloaded he cannot face dealing with another person, and want to shield you as well.

So if he raised a heavy subject by all means respond seriously, but otherwise simply edge him towards being glad to see you and comforted when you are there - does that all sort of make sense?

Yes, I know there's a lot of 'if's in the above, however it's drawn from a real life example -me.

Trying to cope with all the distance and seeming rejection is terribly hard, and if it went on for a very long time it may well be your feelings of love and wanting to share your future life with him will gradually be eroded by those feelings. (Maybe the second part of the book)

It’s natural, and many do eventually decide they can take no more.  It’s fine to feel that way and take action, everyone only has a finite amount of strength to support someone else.

I did want to talk with you about your therapist but will leave it for another time, incidentally nothing you've said would make me think it is abuse.

Croix

[Banksy92]

Hello Jess553

This is such a sad and painful situation for both of you, I am very sorry for all you are going through. 

While the separation and uncertainty would be so difficult, I think on some level I understand their need for space. If you're safety is at risk or they feel unable to be around other people right now, all you can do is respect this and trust it's the right move. The fact they are in therapy is extremely positive. But these things take time. I cannot imagine what they are going through in their grief. 

My advice would be to to try and focus on yourself for a short time. While they are working through their stuff, you should also be taking care of your wellbeing, you have also been through a lot through this.

Do you have any close friends or family around you for support? Maybe you could take some personal leave from work? Or simple carve out some time in your days for things that make you feel good or relax you.

Let us know how you go when you can 

[therising]

Hi Jess

You sound like such a beautiful deeply thoughtful loving person. He's lucky to have you in his corner and I'm sure he knows it and feels it as much as he can right now.

I'm wondering if he's currently living with an all consuming level of anger. You know the kind of anger the seriously consumes you and you just can't focus on anything else. It's like it takes away your ability to see and feel anything other than what makes you angry. Whether it's an all consuming level of anger, depression or anxiety we're facing, until we manage to  break free from it, it remains engulfing us. I've found when I'm far from angry, depressed or anxious, whatever holds the potential to anger me, bring me down or stress me out is like water off a duck's back. When I'm in an all consumed state though, the slightest trigger can add fuel to the fire.

Sounds like he's working hard to come out of the state he's in. As you mention, with him having years of gradually working up to this point, there can be a lot to make sense of and manage (mentally and emotionally). Hard to know the nature of the trigger he faced recently. Maybe even he's not fully conscious of it. If he's never had the opportunity to fully address his mum having been taken away from him so brutally, how many times since then have people taken something from him? How many times have they served themself, instead of him? Perhaps that last trigger was the final straw and now he hates how self serving people can be. Maybe he sees self serving people and elements everywhere. Not saying this is the case, just an example. If you give him expressions of your love for him, give him time, give him space, give him support and more, perhaps this will touch his heart. Maybe you could consider asking him 'What are some of the things you'd like me to give to you?'.

Jess, I'm a gal who's found waiting to be a torturous thing. If you're waiting for him...don't. What I mean is maybe you could spend the time not waiting. Maybe you can do a bit of research into what would serve him on his return to you. Researching ways to help calm the nervous system when anger arises, ways to shift internal dialogue or explore it, ways of understanding how the brain ticks in a state of anger etc, means you're researching and not waiting. Maybe you could be his research assistant.

[ecomama]

Hey Jess553, I'm glad you've joined the forums for support & I'm SUPER glad you've returned to Counselling. 

That book you read sure did an "each way bet" didn't it? Pfft heavens, no wonder you're feeling so confused!! 
HUGS!! 

What I want to say to help YOU may sound counter-intuitive but if you're able to picture another couple going through similar, you could see what I mean. 

You need to make yourself stronger. I know right now you think you can't do this without him... but you CAN do this without him and for all of your sakes, you must. 

Depression in one partner CAN bring the other person way down too. 
If that partner is super caring & loving, which you are, then it can happen fast & deep. 

Oxygen mask on self first. Sounds horrible to us caring souls but it's very important. Your partner is doing just that for survival right now. He had no choice but to do this to save himself and others. 

When you're in a dark cocoon of depression, you can't feel for someone else. It's too debilitating a disease. Heck you can't even feel for yourself it can get that bad. 

Expecting him to think, care or even show anything is probably far too much atm. He's getting therapy which is a Godsend for his life and wellbeing. Do the same. Make yourself far stronger. Blurt everything out to us and your Counsellor. You've got great support networks now. THIS is how you support him, by being someone he can lean on when he needs to but this is difficult for men in particular. Their greatest fear is to appear weak and quite often they feel this is a weakness. No need to discuss that with him at this point. 

You're right. He's probably not talking to his therapist about your relationship. He's more likely dealing with the heavy grief from the past invading his present life. Dealing with his "demons" of destructive thought patterns in response to trauma etc. That's HUGE.  

We have a Self-care thread and you're welcome there with open arms. 
Love EM