What if this is who I am?

[JustTiffanyxo]

Last night, I was watching TV with my partner (some WWE thing, not my thing, but he enjoys it so I watched with).

Anyway, the episode/story we watched was quite emotionally charged, with the main wrestler having died very suddenly a few days after he got this big award or something. (not entirely sure) but all I know is that he died. 

Well that did it for me, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, but tears started leaking down my face. I started to sob. My partner asks what's wrong? I tell him, I don't know. How can I tell him what's wrong when I don't even know myself?

I sat down next to him on the lounge and he gave me a hug. 

I told him that I just don't know whats wrong with me, that I can't pinpoint one particular thing and say 'yeah thats it, that's why I'm sad".

He gives me another hug, and says 'I don't know why you are depressed for, things aren't that bad."

well holy crap the tears started pouring down even more.  

I said to him "so you don't think there's a reason for me to be depressed? or you just don't understand why i'm depressed?"

Thank god he said the latter, but it still hurt a bit, you know?

He's very black and white, if something doesn't fit, he just let's it go.

I am not like this. There are so many different shades of grey between those black and white points.

I over analyse things, where as he just makes a consecutive decision. 

I dwell, he moves forward.

I have told him over and over again that if I could have just even a little bit of the strength he had to be able to live in a black and white world, my life would be so much easier. But, of course, that can't happen.  I will never see things as black and white. 

What if this is who I am? A person who cries at the drop of a hat, who's broken, who has a mental illness. I'm spending so much money on medications and psychologists, and psychiatrists that it's starting to become a little overwhelming. Things aren't getting better. What if this is it. This is me, broken, unable to be fixed?

[White_Rose]

Hello Tiffany

Welcome to BB. It's good that you can post on this site and tell us your story.  This is what it is all about, telling your story and finding comfort. I felt you were telling  my story and it almost made me cry. I find I can cry at the drop of the proverbial hat and not really understand why. Just that someone or something has touched me and I have responded.

We are all broken here. You have the right word. This is what depression does to us. And the really awful part is the time it takes to heal. Not quite the same as getting the measles.

To have a partner who does not understand depression is quite normal, sadly.  Most people have no idea of how you feel and think unless they have been through the same process. At the top of the page under Resources you will find some fact sheets written especially for family and friends.  BB will send out any of this and other information you need free of charge. I suggest you get this literature and give it to you partner.  It may help him get a glimpse of how all this affects you and he may be able to offer you more support.

I gather you have been referred to both a psychologist and psychiatrist. Of course you can get Medicare rebates for the psychiatrist visits. Your GP should write a mental health plan for you so that you can get ten free consultations with the psychologist. I know this is not an enormous amount but does help financially.

If you are taking a great deal of medication you need to check with your pharmacist to see if you have reached the safety net for medications. Once you reach this limit all further meds are greatly reduced in price.

Now, about you. I am the same as you. I think, analyse, see all sorts of differences and usually end up with the wrong conclusion. Other people see things quite differently as you say. This is right, this is wrong, I need to do this or that, and then they do it. Fantastic for them. But you know they miss out on other things. People who think laterally, who examine and think about life are not only creative but come up with all sorts of ideas. The price they pay it seems is to find it hard to move on away from various situations.

These are the people who are compassionate and caring, who can see when others are hurting. And often they can help the other to work out why and what to do about it. I don't mean tell someone what to do, but help others to clarify their thoughts.

So take heart. Depression is bad but you can survive and have the insight to help others.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi Tiffany

Damnit, I missed that episode - I'm a bit of a closet fan of the old WWE as well.  Ok, enuff about me.

I honestly think with what you're doing (and you're doing so MANY positives) that you are on a progression forward.  I can't remember who said, "If you find yourself in hell, keep going".  Because that's what all of us are doing (or trying to do).  To keep doing things for ourselves that will hopefully ultimately help us - to get even a little better.

Tiffany, you've mentioned a number of great things that you're doing.  And each one of these is helping.  You may not think so at this stage, but when I get like this, I think "Hmmmm, I wonder how BAD I'd be if I wasn't on my meds;  if I was seeking professional help, if I wasn't this or that".  Then you think, "oh yeah, I reckon with how I'm feeling now, holy crap, I'd be so much worse".

You're only new here and we're welcoming you with open arms (as we try to do with everyone - it's hard at times, cause the numbers keep rising) - and being new, you're posting different issues, which by the way is fantastic.

But also in doing this, you are kind of scraping off the good coverage of your mental illness and uncovering it so we can see - and this could be why you're feeling a little worse at the moment.  Cause you're wishing to let out things (and Tiffany, that IS a brilliant thing) and to unload, vent or just to write.  This is then putting those things in the forefront of your mind.  This I stress again is not a bad thing.

Because you're getting it out there, a number of us are responding back to you and hopefully we're providing support and assistance back to you.

I see it a little bit like going to a counsellor - in those first few sessions, everything is put on the table and 'aired'.  It has to be, otherwise you're not going to get anywhere;  BUT in the end, these things are handled, dealt with and worked on in order to help the person feel better about themselves and to hopefully be able to continue on their slow and careful steps forward.

I know I rambled a bit there, but I hope the message got across ok.

ps:  I have a ban on all hats in my home - cause I find if one is dropped, I'll cry straight away.  Best put the damn things away so you can avoid such tearful situations.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hi Tiffany

How are you going? I hope you can post in here soon and let us know how life is treating you.

You ask if "this is me?'  If you are broken and unable to be fixed. I know it sounds trite to say this but we are all broken. I have just started some volunteer work with an organisation. The manager and I had a chat about his philosophy, amongst other topics, on how we all operate. He said we were all broken in some way and it is our job to help each other manage that brokenness. I was surprised as no one else appeared in any distress, but gradually I am learning of their different situations.

Coincidentally I had been talking with my psych on a similar topic a few days before this. My comment was that I did not care what other people had to manage,  I was fed up with being me and having all my issues to contend with. Happily he did not throw me out in disgust. I was venting my frustration as I felt I was not getting anywhere. And incidentally that was not true. I am recovering.

Just like me you may feel you cannot cope with other people's stories at the moment and that is fair enough. I am trying to say, rather clumsily I suspect, that we are indeed all broken and need healing.  You are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and that makes you feel as if nothing will ever change. From my observation, when you start protesting it is sign that you are moving on your journey. It is hard and this is why I suggested you give your partner some information about depression so that he can help and support you with some knowledge and insight.

Try to explain to him how you feel and that you understand he does not have the same outlook on life and vice versa. Tell him what you would like him to do to help you when you are down. From your post he sounds like a nice guy. It may help you to write down your thoughts and feelings to help you get them straight in your mind and be more coherent when you talk to him. I know it's a struggle to express yourself in those situations. It would be good if it was as easy as writing a paper for work.

I hope my comments are helpful for you. Would ove to have a few words from you soon.

Mary

[JustTiffanyxo]

Hi Mary!

Thanks you so much for you very very kind words! It literally brings tears to my eyes when I read replies. 

My partner is brilliant, and so good to me. 

I do find it so much easier to write my thoughts and feelings than to speak them. I have always been terrible at that.