What I couldn't show him is just how yuck I feel

[Karen71]

Ok so saw a psych he said I was depressed and changing meds

it was like talking to a alien on a computer screen.

skpe. What I couldn't show him is just how yuck I feel.im sick with a stomach thing my insides feel like they've been scoured, my head won't stop thinking about suicide and how the world just is horrible.i just don't want to be here anymore I've fought depression for so long

im tied it just keeps comming back.im a nice person I don't do drugs  or alcohol I don't really swear I raise wonderful kids whom I stay alive for but do I really have to live this way?

im getting constant problems if it's not one thing it's anouther

i have to get an organisation to visit me because I have no freinds

people don't like me I don't know why

it hurts my pride to know the person talking to me gets paid to

the world is an ugly place

im tied so tied all the time and other people don't accept me 

my 5yrold has asphergus how do I leave him

im so so tied no one really understands

what happens really if I give up!

no I'm not suicidal tonight just I don't know how much can I take I'm done

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[Neil_1]

Hi Karen

I'll say this to you first off;   and that's a huge WELL DONE on coming to Beyond Blue and posting a little about yourself and your struggles.

Wow, it sure does sound like things aren't good for you and have been this way for a long time.

The world can be an ugly place, there is so much of that around.  What we have to strive to search for is the beauty.  Even on partially cloudy days, it is sometimes interesting to just stop and have a squiz at the clouds and to see if there's any interesting patterns in them.  AND you know, we are fast coming up on autumn and I think no matter where you live in this wonderful country of ours, when autumn is here it really can be very magical and beautiful.  To watch on a daily basis the different variety of trees changing colours as their leaves begin to die off for another year.  Some of the shades of colours are just brilliant to view.

Try to take on some positives about our world ... viewing the ugliness of the world is what our black dog wants us to do ... try to keep him in his kennel for a while, while you "stop to smell the roses".  Old cliche, but it's a goodie.  🙂

Karen it was another big positive that you have recently seen your psych - and you said he changed your meds?  Were you on another lot of them prior to this latest visit?

What would happen if you really gave up?  That's a question fraught with danger and I hope that anyone who comes on this site can smack that particular question on the head.  They can do that, because they don't really want to give up.  They wouldn't have come to this site otherwise.  I'm thinking this is you Karen ... I so hope this is you Karen ... you've come here asking questions and putting some of your story out there for the BB community to read, to give advice to, to assist and overall, to support you.

On this site Karen, you WILL find people who understand ... because for the most part nearly all of us still suffer from these demons that we face everyday.  As a result when someone comes on and posts, I know, I nod my head in agreeance so many times, I'm getting a sore neck.  In agreeance of what the new poster has mentioned and how they feel.  We are all like-minded in this community.

Karen, I don't know if I've done anything here but write a long passage and possibly made your eyes tired.

But please please, don't EVER give up.  You're too important ... EVERY ONE is important on this site.  Please don't ever think that you aren't.

I do hope that you will post again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Karen71]

Neil1

thanks,no you didn't write to much you wrote just enough

no you didn't tier my eyes although yes I'm crying it's all I do when I'm out of site of the kids.autum leaves are beautiful with so many intriquette shades  unfortunately the beauty just makes me sad as though I'm saying goodbye to them

and yes I haven't given up yet 

clouds are beautiful as is leaves in trees as the slight breeze goes through them kinda in slow motion u can see silvers

thanks

[Karen71]

I guess I'm mourning there loss colours and I guess I'm  scared of what will happen if I stay in the dark too long or I can't come out

i fear for my loved ones I don't want to hurt them but sometimes it would be so easy

and no I'm ok tonight

[ian6880]

Hi Karen,

I can relate to so many words you use in particular I have found myself saying exactly what you said at the end "I'm done" This sounds like such a simple almost throw away comment BUT not when it is coming from yours or my and probably many others perspective.

You just feel like you have tried everything. I think the biggest thing is loneliness, no-one seems to be interested or have the time etc. I always say we are all "Busy being busy" and by doing this we forget each other as humans with needs and feelings.

Below I have pasted something that I wrote I hope it may give you something to reflect on and consider. Maybe you are the one who is in touch with real happiness or knows the measure of true happiness and it is others who are chasing the wrong measure. Hang in their. Take care.

Why?

You speak but no one hears, you search but never find

You see others but they never see you

Is it me, it must be me, this must not be my world, why was I placed hear?

I am invisible, destined to travel alone through this life, why?

What is my life lesson?

You walk down a busy street life is happening all around you, everyone appears to be connected in some way that enables them to interact naturally, talking, laughing, crying, loving, hating and just being.

Or are they!

Am I the only one to feel so detached, so full of love and feelings that I just want to stand in the middle of the street and scream “does anyone care” how desperate is that.

When I was young I convinced myself of the truth in the saying “you came into this world alone and that’s how you will live and leave it” then why is the middle part “life” so desperately needed to be shared?

To quote Orson Wells;

“We are born alone we live alone, only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for a moment that we are not alone”

From an early age we are taught and it also seems to be instinctive that we start striving to be the best and that power, money and success are the indicators that attract people around you, you are popular. Therefore you are never invisible or unheard.

But does this mean you are happy, does this mean you are truly successful in life’s journey?

 Can you truly smile from the heart?

Are power, money, success and popularity a true measure for happiness?

 Is it the ‘only’ measure?

 If so then why is it you can go into a little native village and look at the people and they have the biggest smiles on their faces and are beaming with life, they have no power, money or success as we know it, then why?

What do they know that we don’t, what do they have that we don’t.

This is the real question and measure of ‘life’ I believe the answer is ‘each other’ that sense of community no one is alone.

We race around guided by time so much we hardly take a breath where all they do is breathe

mmmmmm where do you want to be?

Why do we choose to be busy for busy sake therefore truly shutting everyone out?

WHY!!!

[geoff]

dear Karen, it really saddens me when new people come to this site and display their deep depression, but I am pleased that you have reached out for help.

It does annoy you when you see a psych and they say 'you have depression', well blow me down with a torch, are you sure it's not a cold, no it's depression, well doc I could have told you that even before I sat down, and you get paid mega bucks for telling me that.

If you give up then the devil has won, so now he will have find someone else to inflict his pain on.

In depression we try so hard to beat this illness, we struggle non stop, although one day it gives us a breather, but it reminds us of what it's there for, to make us suffer time and time again and for many years.

Somehow I think that it protects our kids, and that may seem to be a stupid comment but it dangles them in front of us, reminding us of our love for them, so it teases us, which is another form of punishment, but deep inside we have this continual love for them, and want seize them away from this devil, and this is what stops us from doing anything to ourselves.

There is no way we want our kids to be pinched away by this illness or to be controlled by it, so we suffer in silence, trying to protect them from all of this evil disease, and that's what keeps us going.

At the moment this may seem to be something that eludes you and that's quite understandable.

Please let us know today on how you are feeling as it's of great concern to us. L Geoff. x