What happened to my happily ever after?

[Vitsyra]

Hi All,

I'm Dawn and I'm new 🙂

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my early teens, but I think overall I've managed pretty well on my own..

I'm turning 30 in two months.. and the most amazing thing just happened, I finally moved into my brand new house after 3 years of building misery. I have two beautiful cats, two beautiful bunnies and a pretty good job.

So why aren't I happy? 😞 I feel annoyed at myself, while my life certainly isn't perfect I think its pretty good and most people would be more than happy to have it. Silly me thought once I moved into the house and settled in everything would just be perfect, my own happily ever after..

Unfortunately moving into my new house caused my anxiety to go AWOL.. then my depression decided to join the party. 6 weeks later and I am starting to feel better, but I thought I would try some counseling anyway.. but I don't think it really went well and I'm not convinced I'm going to go back.

I guess what I'm trying to ask (while also introducing myself) is have you ever gotten everything you wanted (or something you wanted) and then found yourself not as happy as you were hoping? What did you do?

[Vitsyra]

There's a hole in me. I've tried everything to fill it.

I've tried making friends, and dropping friends. I've tried buying things, new clothes, new make up, new hair do, I've tried dumping things, throwing away my book collection, bags of clothes.. I've collected things and minimized until my mum won't buy me gifts because she doesn't think I'll keep things.

I've tried hobbies.. ones I was interested in, and ones I wished I was interested in. I spend every weekend 'cleaning' and 'reorganizing' my house. I've tried being like everyone else, and I've tried NOT being like everyone else. I've tried to fix my family.. repeatedly, I've tried to make my family like a 'real' family, I've been too generous and not generous enough. I've spent too much money, and saved like a crazy person..

I just can't seem to fill this hole. Yet I'm now 30, I'm overweight, but constantly dieting,exercising.. I have no hobbies and no true friends, I continually spend time with my family even though I don't actually enjoy it.. I'm pretty much broke.. and I really want another cat, though I know that isn't the answer either.

When I look back at my life, I can see that trying to fill this hole has directed my whole life, but its all been futile and none of it has led to happiness.

Is the problem that I'm trying to fill a hole that doesn't actually exist? Or is the hole real and I just haven't found the right answer yet?

And for all I can see that I keep repeating the same patterns again and again without getting any closer to achieving happiness.. I can't seem to stop! So its New Years day, another year forward.. and I really don't know what move to make.

[Vitsyra]

I'm back.

Things got better. I joined a cat rescue, found a purpose, made some amazing friends. Everything was pretty good for 6 months, my anxiety went away and I got use to living alone in my house.

Recently I had to leave the rescue, but I got to keep my friends, and I think I've coped with it all okay..

Well I've also been trying to conceive a baby for the last 6 months. And I finally found out that I'm pregnant.. which should be amazing, but instead my anxiety is back as bad as ever.. there's a horrible part of me hoping I miscarry so I don't have to deal with the anxiety. 😞

I'm hoping this passes, as I can't spend 9 months like this.. might need to seek some counseling or something again, not that its ever helped before. So.. here I am.

[smallwolf]

Vitsyra,

Hi. How are you going now?

Positives and negatives in your post. Congrats on the pregnancy. But the anxiety is back 😞 And sorry that you have not had luck with counselling before. Have you looked at the thread on the forums here about grounding and mindfulness? You might get some ideas or tools to help with negative thoughts and get you back to the present moment?

Tim

[Vitsyra]

Wow. Its been awhile. I have a 7 week old daughter. As expected I also have PND. My anxiety is killing me. Thinking I may need to seriously consider medication. Am currently trying to get counselling. Why is life so hard..

[Nothappyuni]

Wow is right. The greatest time of my life was when my children were born, and while they were little (to about 13 years of age).

A 7 week old daughter. How lucky are you! I loved my daughter more than life itself (before the separation with my partner and its ill effects), time will fly for you. There will be stressful moments, but it will pass and your daughter and you will both be stronger for the experience.

Teach her to love herself, teach her that she is wanted and loved, teach her that she can overcome any obstacle and that she is not defined by her partner – she is perfect as she is.

I so envy you. There will be moments of such joy ahead.Every day I sang to my daughter as a baby, and read her books, played all sorts of music. The world is her oyster with your guiding hand.