Wanting to seek help but can't talk about it?

[atlas88]

How many people want help, but just find it so difficult to openly say it all? I used to be open, but after having so many negative experiences with friends, with people in general..I've just bottled it all up because that way people won't be able to hurt you.

I've just found it so incredibly difficult to cope, to even bother waking up when all I can think is "what's the use?" What worries me is that last year I idly began thinking of suicide, and now this year I've been a lot more serious about it, but a big part of me doesn't want to do it, just that I see no other way out, and I don't want to get to next year to find that I'm ready.

Why do people have to be so mean and nasty? Especially those who claim to be your friends? I've always been there for my friends, always dropping everything for them, and now they've all turned their backs on me. Why do they have to be so critical of you, when you accept them the way they are?

Worst of all are your own family, the people you expect to treat you right. I've become emotionally and financially spent thanks to my parents and older sibling (the whole story has been going on for 8 years). My parents divorced a few years ago, my older sibling left the house, and I was left with my emotionally unstable mother who would break down and cry every few days, have another one of her break downs...and all the while I'm working trying to support her financially (can't find a stable job, plus is very unresponsible financially) and emotionally, and now I'm $11 000 in debt, feeling so incredibly drained mentally and emotionally.

I went to a counsellor at my uni to talk about it, but I barely scratched the surface...I just couldn't openly reveal how I was really feeling. On top of it all, I'm struggling with uni, work part-time at a job I hate, where I experience bullying, and come home to my mum who criticises me for not doing enough with my life.

I want to cry, but I just can't. I'll force myself so much, but I can't get anything out, I've become that numb. It feels like I'm in a prison, and I see only one way out but I know that I don't want to take that path. I just don't know how I can get my own life going when I have these 2 anchors around me: my mum and that massive debt, which will take me 4 and a half years to pay off at my current rate.

It's the apathy, the numbness that gets to me most, the fact that I feel so helpless in trying to do anything. What do I do?

[Chris_B]

Hi atlas88,

Sorry to hear you've had such poor experience with friends responding to you when you say you need support.  I hope for a start you can feel open in expressing yourself here.

I know the feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to. Try to put that to one side; the tears will come when they come, and probably when you least expect it.  Forcing it will probably make you more anxious.  

Logging into your bank account and seeing the mountain of debt can be overwhelming at times, but it sounds like you're managing it and there is an end date in sight, even if it's a few years away.  Try thinking of the individual payments as just another monthly expense like rent or groceries.

A good counsellor will be able to help you talk.  Perhaps the one you're seeing at uni is not a good fit for you.  Please persevere and perhaps try someone else, and maybe print out this post to send to them ahead of your first session.  And be upfront in explaining that you find it difficult to talk because of your experiences.

You mention that friends have turned your back on you and family are not a good support for you right now.  Is there anyone in your life that you connect with at the moment?

best
CB

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Online Community Manager

[atlas88]

Hi Chris, thanks for the response.

I'm not sure how to respond to my feelings anymore, part of me thinks they're not valid, or that I'm just making a big deal of nothing...but it really gets to me sometimes, my situation and how I could have changed it all a few years ago (by moving out). I like to remind myself that I'm still healthy physically and mentally, which is a good enough reason to stay optimistic.

Unfortunately there isn't anyone in my life whom I can connect with. Not that I'd want to load off all my problems onto another person, but it would still be nice to be able to socialise with someone, do things that would take my mind off things at home. The only person who comes remotely close is my older sibling though they live overseas now and I'm just not open with them at all. I did have a very close friend though, as close as I've been with someone before pursuing a relationship..but he changed into a different person and long story short, I no longer speak to him (even after trying to salvage the friendship).

Thanks.