Want to feel better

[Christa1]

Hello

I am new here. Decided to join as I am feeling a bit alone with this illness at the moment.

I have struggled with depression for many, many years and have been taking medication for it for the past 10 years, which has enabled me to keep on living, but not necessarily happily.

I am currently on a month's annual leave, and have 2 weeks of it left. This week I have been feeling very flat & have been having persecutory dreams. This is probably in anticipation of having to return to the 'daily grind' soon, which I dread.

I have some good things happening in my life at the moment as well, but I don't seem to be able to feel the happiness that these things usually bring. I find that I rarely feel happiness about anything. I feel trapped in this life.

It would be good to hear how other people obtain contentedness in their lives.

Regards,

Christa1

[Jo3]

Hi Christa

It's great that you have come on here.  There are so many beautiful people who give amazing support without judgement.

Suffering depression takes away our positive feelings; feeling good with things.  It's good that you have some positives in your life, try and focus on that.

Are you seeing a psych for help with your depression?  I've just recently started writing a daily goal plan; it makes you focus on what you want to do for the day.  It is helping.

I have also tried meditation and do this most days which I find helps as well.

Pls take care

Jo

[Christa1]

Thank you Jo, for replying. I do appreciate it.

I saw a Psych almost a year ago, after a GP referral which allowed a certain number of visits. I have used these up now and am currently unable to fund any more myself.

Meditation may help, thanks for the suggestion, if I can just still my mind.

Daily goal plan would be more challenging. I really find it an effort to do almost anything. My goal is to get through the day. All I want to do is sleep.

[geoff]

dear Christa, I wish that I could welcome you with warm arms, but depression doesn't allow this to happen, but it's lovely to have you join us.

Firstly could I say that the free visits to a psych can occur once every year, so you might have used up all of them last year but I believe that they start again 1/1 of each year. 

Can I just ask you how long you been taking this medication, and whether it needs to upgraded or to increase your dosage, I only say this because once we take any medication our system becomes sort of immune to it, in other words the effect of it wears off, that's why it needs to be revised.

It's the same as when you start to drink alcohol, one drink makes you feel really tipsy, but after awhile you need 2 or 3 drinks to have the same affect.

With regards to these dreams it also happens with me, as I have some usual ones that never make any sense, and I think it's the antidepressants which make this happen, and whether or not they are related to your work is a possibility.

I do have a worry that you won't be OK to return to work in two weeks, however only you will be able to know about this.

It's disappointing that these 'happenings' in your life don't bring joy to yourself and this is where this illness denies us from being able to take the goodness out of these things that would normally be happy for us.

I hope that you can visit a psych either the one before or a new one, because there is some joy in your world it's just suppressed, and you so desperately want it back.

I hope that you can get back to us, because we want to help you through this ordeal. L Geoff. x

[Christa1]

Thank you Geoff for your welcome, your concern and sharing some information.

To answer your question, I have been on medication for 10 years, but I changed meds 6 months ago, which has helped, as the old one didn't seem to be working anymore. I have felt reasonably OK most of the time on my new meds, until this week when I have felt flat, a bit anxious and have been having stressful dreams.

I am also unsure whether I will be able to cope with work well enough in 2 weeks, but I have to return. I have struggled to deal with the stressors of work for years. Not constantly, but when I feel low & I feel that I have little resilience left.

I thank you for your concern & hope that you are feeling OK today.

Regards,

Christa1

[Gingerninja]

Hi Christa1,

i am sorry to hear about your work and your fear of returning. Maybe your GP can write you out additional referrals, I believe that after the first 6 you can get another 10 subsidised sessions. Did you get anything out of your last psych? Sometimes it takes a while to find someone you are comfortable with and can be completely open with.

It's tough road. Do you have family or friends who are able to support you through the transition? Is it an option to return part time? 

Can you tell us about these good things in your life? I would like to hear about them. 🙂 

I do hope that you will find some peace to enjoy your next two weeks of leave, but I completely understand how hard it is to relax when that feeling of impending doom about returning to work is hovering over you... I feel the same way. I'm supposed to go back to work Monday after I had an episode, and I am scared shitless.

you aren't alone with that feeling. 

Ginger ninja

[incubus]

Hi Christa,

My suggestion would be that in the next 2 weeks you try to get out and do some of the things that you daydream about when you are stuck at work, whether that be going to the beach, or reading a book, or doing some cooking, or watching a movie or whatever.  Exercise is also great for endorphins.  Couple that with the excellent advice which has been posted above, and it might give you the boost you're looking for.

[MaryG]

Hey Christa,

sorry to hear you're struggling a bit atm. I know I sometimes feel a bit lost without the routine and structure that working brings to my days. Maybe try and plan some activities for the rest of your time off. 

The others are correct I believe and you should get another 10 subsidized psych visits each year. And I think you can have more if your GP organizes it. Best to check because it sounds like you would really benefit if you had a good relationship with yours. 

Someone else suggested that you share some of the good things in your life with the forum. Just writing them down and sharing might also help to lift your mood.

Take care, Mary

[Jos]

Hi Christa,

I can relate to Mary when she said that she feels lost when her days are not structured, being on a break can give you more time to dwell.  Some great suggestions from everybody above, something I found helpful, but hard to do at first was to put a stop to looking past the day, try not too think about work, this is your time to try and refresh.  Nurture yourself, if you feel like sleeping that's fine, but also try to engage yourself in things that you would normally enjoy like Incubus suggested.  Be the mother over your thoughts, if there not positive when they enter tell them to leave you alone.

I read a post on BB from Smallbear, he has found a book called 'The Mindful Way through Depression' and has found it to be very beneficial, just a thought.

Please remember on here you are not alone - take care Jos

[Christa1]

Thank you Gingerninja, Incubus, Mary & Jos for you care & concern & suggestions.

I am taking on board all of the suggestions you have given me.

Gingerninja, are you feeling well enough to go back to work on Monday? Maybe some of the above suggestions posted here might help you with returning too. That feeling of impending doom is the pits. I really hate it.

Jos, the book sounds interesting, I will track it down. You are right too, about the lack of structure & having too much time to dwell.

Incubus & Mary, I have been thinking about getting back into swimming - haven't bothered for the past 3 years, but I did enjoy it when I went regularly.

I must admit, although the Psychologist was good & I felt really comfortable, I didn't actually find the sessions that helpful. I felt a bit better in the short term, but long term, the old thoughts & feelings keep creeping back in. I think it would take a looong time to sort through all the past issues in my life that I probably need to deal with. I am happy to say though that today I do feel better - much more buoyant than when I wrote this original post. Today, I feel I can cope - I just wish this feeling would be a constant!

In response to Gingerninja's question about good things that are happening for me, I have a lovely, caring partner who, although I don't think really understands the depth of blackness that comes with depression at times, is always supportive & there for me. We are meant to be getting married next year, but I do worry about tying him to someone like me who becomes unwell. I don't want his life to be a rollercoaster of emotions.

We are moving in together next month, so that may tell, I suppose.

I have a beautiful teenage (just) son from my marriage (which my depression played a part in destroying) who lives with me. He is the light of my life.

I have a good family too. Although I am not that close to them, distance-wise or relationally, I know they would help me if I ever needed them to. I have a few close-ish friends too, but I think I do keep people at a bit of a distance generally as I'm so up & down.

This post was the first time I have accessed a support site such as this & I have to say, I have really appreciated that people bothered to respond, and respond with genuine care & helpful suggestions. It really has made a difference and I sincerely thank all of you very much.