Unsure of what to do

[Rjade]

Hi there.

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I can recall that something just didn’t seem quite right about me.

Lately though, due to stress at work, at home and with family, I’m feeling the urge to run away or do something more serious. It’s not that I don’t want to be here, but I can’t handle the pressure anymore. It’s an unbearable weight on my shoulders and I constantly feel like I’m drowning.

I take antidepressants but they haven’t made much of a difference, and when I try and talk to people they either dismiss me or don’t quite grasp how serious my situation is.

Has anybody else felt this way? If so, did it get any better for you? I’m really stuck and I have no idea what to do.

[smallwolf]

Rjade,

Notice this is not your first post, but still deserving of a welcome to beyond blue. Hello.

can I first ask who you speak to? I refer to the people you say don't know the seriousness of the situation.

As far as your ADs are concerned, have you spoken to your GP or psychiatrist about this? By way of example, I am starting my 3rd AD because of the side effects or symptoms I have. Each time I see the psychiatrist, I am asked whether the ADs are working, or how I feel? So if you believe the medication is not working, you might want to bring this up next time?

On the work situation, does anyone at work know what you are going through? Could you talk to your manager about this? Maybe find other duties? I am not sure how large the organisation is you work for.

Lastly have you considered talking to a counselor or psychologist about your stresses? You could start at the K10 test on the beyond blue website.

The most important thing I think is to be able to talk about it. The people here on the forum are with you, and supportive. You are not alone.

Peace,

Tim

[Quercus]

Hi RJade,

Thank you for your post. I needed to read your words tonight because you've written exactly how I feel at times too.

"when I try and talk to people they either dismiss me or don’t quite grasp how serious my situation is".

Yeah... Me too. I've fallen into old habits and started performing again (plaster on the smile and get through the day. Fake it till you make it crap).

It took me years to get a medical profession to pay attention. It took writing down the absolute unfiltered truth and handing it over.

Have been considering doing the same again. My psychiatrist seems to think I'm stable and capable of helping myself although I've been asking for help and hinting I need it. Hints don't get help unfortunately.

You wrote about feeling like you're drowning. Overwhelmed. Me too.

So what can we do?

I've started by getting angry and selfish. Sounds stupid I suppose. But curiously enough hubby and his family have noticed I don't seem ok again because being angry and saying no makes people uncomfortable.

Thinking of doing the same when I finally get to see my GP and psychiatrist. I say thinking but truthfully I mean trying to force myself to admit.

Telling them the truth that I know I want to be here and that things matter to me but "those" thoughts won't go away again. The ones that say pack up and run away. Preferably permanently.

My goodness I am so tired of this black dog and her teeth.

My point....

It feels absolutely shit. I'm there too.

but you have the strength and knowledge and capability of doing what you need to do to be safe and make the doctors pay attention.

If you are at risk please keep trying. Then try again. Ask anyone that says they care about you to help. Grab any shame or embarrassment or feelings of failure and throw them out the window.

You said it... You want to be here.

They are thoughts not failures. Feelings. Part of your illness that need management and care.

I hope you keep reaching out and doing whatever you need to be safe and feel ok.

Nat

[Shaneos]

Hey there,

I'm new on here as well and I couldn't help but be compelled to answer your post.

I was diagnosed with depression 29yrs ago after finding my father after he'd committed suicide when I was 10yrs old.

But it wasn't until only very recently I realised there isn't actually anything wrong with me and never was.

I was on antidepressants of just about every type in varying doses for over 23yrs. I realised they affected my high and low moods but never how I thought or perceived the world.

Not that I'd encourage you or anyone to go off them without medical advice. It's just for myself and lots of people with my type of "depression" I noticed they never worked.

After reading your post you sound exactly the same as I've always been. I do not believe there is anything wrong with you. We are just different. I mean there is 9billion people in the world. We can't all think and view the world around us in the same way, that would be ludicrous.

I can't offer a solution really because I believe the only one for people like us wouldn't be feasible.

I will no doubt get smashed for saying this but my intentions are honourable.

I've felt exactly like you and nobody had ever offered me this perspective, but it just made sense and clicked when I had a light bulb moment not very long ago.

We feel like we never quite fit in and spend all our efforts trying to but something just isn't quite right.

I think we are just a portion of the population who think differently and kinda know that things are not how they're supposed to be. That doesn't make us Ill.

But is just my theory and a different perspective on things is all.

[Rjade]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post, I really do appreciate it.

With regards to your post Tim, I have spoken about my issues to my parents and to my fiance, both of which don’t really offer me much support or lend me an ear. I think with my parents they have a very stigmatised perception of mental illness and have the mentality that it speaking about this subject is taboo.

My work situation is very stressful and my manager is a large part of the reason this is so. She’s very rude and condecending and I hate showing up for work largely because of her.

I think you may be right- talking to a psychologist or other health care professional could help me. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one who has thought about or been advised to seek help (not that I wish bad mental health on anyone).

Thanks so much Nat for sharing your personal experience and expressing your concern, it makes me feel less alone and I hope you are doing well.

When you mentioned that these thoughts “are just that and not my failures, apart of my illness” it really opened my eyes to a new perspective so thank you for offering me a fresh take on things.

Shaneos, thank you for also making me see things from a fresher perspective. I’ve never thought of myself or my life in the way you described and it does make a lot of sense to me. I’m really sorry about all of the things you have been through and I hope you are in a better place. It’s warming to know that I have been able to relate to you and that it has given you a chance to speak about your feelings.

Kind regards,

Rjade