Unsure; 10 years of coping

[tebrown]

Hi there, I am looking for some unbiased feedback on my situation.

I am a happily married 24yo mum of 1 (mum of 2 in Jan 16). 

When I was 14 I was sexually abused by my step brother for a month whilst on a trial custody agreement with my Father and his new wife. Instead of confronting the issue, he sent me home to my mum. I have not dealth with this issue and it still effects me to this day, even though I can't verbalise how so, nor can I remember much of the incident. After 8 years of not acknowledging it, I did my own research on my state of mind and I landed on PTSD, depression and anxiety. 

I grew up with an unintentional tough love environment so I learned to cope but in my bad months/years I would be unmotivated, I would self sabotage, I would go every day with a lump in my throat feeling like I was a complete failure. I would feel sick but not actually be sick, I would be constantly irrational and inconsolable, crying at the drop of a hat some days and not even been able to utter a word on others. 

After becoming slightly independent at the age of 21 I felt more in control of my state ofmind, especially when I met and married my husband. My anxiety (not diagnosed professionally) was ever present but I was in control. But due to current circumstances I feel back at square one. This time I am worried as I have a 11 month old baby, a baby on the way and my husband to consider. I don't want to be an absent mum even though I'm present, I would never forgive myself. I know I will lose my husband if I don't make him understand or fix it. I feel myself slipping into a mood I can't shake, I know I'm slacking off on my duties but I can't bring myself to do them and whilst I want to leave the house and be pretty and motivated, I can't even bring myself to brush my hair every morning or brush my teeth once a week. My husband doesn't understand through no fault of his own but I feel so embarrassed and pathetic trying to explain it. I feel like I'm lying or exaggerating or I'm not explaining it right and I sound stupid.

I just want to know that I'm not just a failed, unmotivated person and that maybe there is actually something wrong that I can't control or get rid of.

My brain is so scattered I can't put two words together or stay on one train of thought. I don't know what to do. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Tebrown

Hello, welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for sharing your story. I can see you are in turmoil over the way you feel. At the least you sound depressed but this is not the end of the world. The way you feel is normal. Stop beating yourself up about it.You have fought hard to manage a situation that you had no control over and which no one addressed. That's a dreadful thing to happen to anyone and to be ignored by your parents is atrocious.

The abuse you suffered at 14 has been squashed down for a long time, but in the nature of these things, it has popped up again. Again this is normal. I wonder if this has been triggered by the birth of your first baby and the coming birth of your second baby. Does your husband know of the abuse by your step-brother? How do you think he would feel if he did know? A spouse is in the best position to give you support at times like this but I can see why you would be reluctant to tell him.

My suggestion is that you go and see your GP and tell him/her all that you have written above. Print off your post so that you have a prompt to remind you when you discuss this. It is important that you get professional help ASAP. Book a long appointment with your doctor and try to be completely open. I understand how hard it is to talk about these things, and even harder when it's difficult to formulate your words.

It would also help if you read a little about depression. Go to the top of the page and click on The Facts. Scroll down to Depression and click. Also go to Resources and explore the topics there. BB will send you this information. Also information for your husband. But go to your doctor first and have a good chat. I think you will be referred to a psychologist for some counselling about the abuse. Don't be afraid, you are not crazy. You have endured a traumatic experience and now need to resolve it so that you can enjoy your life with your husband and children without being scared of the past.

Another suggestion is to read some of the posts in Depression and Trauma and Chronic Physical Illness. It's good to read how other people have experienced similar problems and how they are coping. And think about phoning the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636, available 24/7. You will be speaking to someone who can give you suggestions on how to manage and information in the areas that trouble you.

Remember you are a great person and deserve love and respect for all you have done during your life. Please write in again.

Mary

[PatT]

Hi Tebrown,

good stuff for coming to beyondblue and reaching out - it's a gutsy thing and many people just accept their issues as inevitable and unchangeable. You've made the first step, but now you're going to have to reach further. From everything you've described it definitely sounds like you're dealing with some substantial emotional trauma from your childhood and it's pretty rare for that kind of stuff to resolve itself without outside help.

I would recommend, as a first step, speaking to your GP about a referral to a psychologist. They're trained to be able to help you start dealing with painful events from the past. I have PTSD myself from an incident when I was 16 and I've just completed therapy and really confronted the issue and it's helped enormously. Your doctor might suggest medication like anti-depressants. I've found life practically unbearable without them - my anxiety skyrockets and hinders me from doing anything productive if I'm off them. But that's just me. Speak to your doc and decide what's best for you.

You really need to be in a good frame of mind for your kids AND yourself so please put in the effort to speak to someone. It can start the process and I guarantee you'll see so many more options.

Pat