crying crying crying

[Living57]

I cry, i cry so much, i find a place to be alone and the tears come. In front of other people I hold it in, but alone I just let go. I have a great Dr, I am on medication that until recently worked fine, I see a psych, but then I only say a bit here and a bit there. I don't want them to know that I am frustrated, that I find dealing with my husband frustrating (he has dementia). I hardly sleep, 3 - 4 hours broken a night is becoming normal, I cry a lot in those dark hours, frustrated because the future we had planned is gone. I cry cause it seems so unfair. And then, the depression washes over me in great big waves, and more tears. I come on here because the anonymity allows me to open up. I get angry. I loose my temper. I find myself experiencing emotions I don't know how to deal with. My husbands dementia frustrates me, 6 months ago all was well, now he forgets, I find it hard, I know its not his fault, but, oh no, gere come the tears again. Thanks for the shoulders

[Mares73]

Dear Living57

Firstly thank you for reaching out & sharing your situation here at Beyond Blue.

You sound in incredible emotional pain my heart goes out to you. To have your partner go from being a functioning person where you could enjoy conversations etc to his fast deterioration in six months must be devastating. 

Can I ask whether your Dr was treating you for depression prior to your husband's illness? Or is your depression completely a result of your partners deterioration? 

Dementia is a devastating illness especially for those closest to the person. Perhaps your tears are your grief you are grieving for the person you knew so well, for your husband & all that he brought to your life. Perhaps you are also his main carer? That places enormous emotional pressure on you.

The only way I can try to relate to your pain is to consider my situation. My husband has been battling acute leukemia all year with stays in hospital for weeks followed by weeks at home with me as his carer. He is taking steroids as part of his medication & I cannot relate to him as the steroids completely change his personality.  He becomes extremely aggressive, demanding, full of anger & unable to talk to me civil or be involved in life. He spends his days on the coach barking orders & I honestly don't recognize his personality. In some ways I'm already grieving as we live in the "cancer bubble" & my life & marriage has changed completely.  I wonder if I'll ever see him being his old self again. He's only 40 & I have 2 children struggling very much with what's happening to their Dad. 

I didn't want to just talk about me. Have you looked into respite care to give you a break? What's the prognosis on how fast your husband will deteriorate? Did this just happen unexpectedly? 

If you can manage to perhaps you could talk to your Dr about support groups etc. Or if your depression is really taking over perhaps a med review or treatment review is necessary.

You may well feel it but you are not alone. There is so much support & compassion here on forums. And perhaps it might be good to phone the 24th counseling service when your up & distressed at night. Your lack of sleep would be causing exhaustion alone.

I'll run out of Word allowance soon but please stay in touch. This is a time you need to draw on all available support. Do you have other family & are they supportive?

I'll send this off & hope to hear back from you. Please try not to be hard on yourself. Your grieving.

Lve Mares

[MissBenthos]

Hi Living

That certainly does sound like a tough and frustrating situation. I would encourage you to open up to your psych, the more they are able to understand you the better they can treat you, it’s not easy but it can help. Is there any reason you are reluctant to tell them what you have written here? For me, I prefer to see a female psych, I feel more comfortable opening up to another woman and even then it took me a long time to open up because it was really hard to talk about my feelings with someone when I had never done that before. The sleep deprivation makes things even worse, I really hope you can get more than you have been, not being able to sleep is horrible. It sounds like you need that release of opening up and posting on here is a great start.

[Living57]

Thank you for your replies. Mares I have been treated for my depression and bi polar for yrs. This has just increased by what is happening. This afternoon I spent time at the local mental health facility just talking and crying and b***hing, at the end of which I felt better. They are helping me connect with a carers group, respite for hubby, and will contact my dr and psych suggesting a med review. I came home feeling like I can cope a bit better. I hate the thought of what I am facing my hubby is 67 and I am 57, we had so many plans and dreams, I am angry. Its not easy, but life wasnt meant to be easy was it. Why me, why him??? I will just vent, try and channel my anger,btry and be positive, but its so damn bloody hard. Thanks

[geoff]

dear Living, hi and the situation you are going through you would think could not possibly get any worse, and I think that's how you feel.

All the plans we have as we get older don't come into fruition, so that in itself is so disappointing, but when other problems then happen well our live feels as though it has no meaning, so we have to try and pick up the pieces and try and carry on, but this can't happen due to many other circumstances in our life, there is always a hurdle to jump over, until the last hurdle is too high for us to jump over, and then we succumb, giving in to all that depression forces on us and we lay down.

Of course laying down to these pressures seems to be better than trying to overcome them, especially as we age, but in fact it happens at any age, but as we age and have been struggling to improve ourselves for such a long time, it just seems to be pointless, maybe it is or maybe it isn't, but this is determined by the person, but remember there have been so many problems over our life time that we have succeeded, because we had the strength, the desire and the need to do so, but now we want to lay down and let this horrible disease have it's way, and dominant what we do and how we feel.

Submission is much easier than fighting it, but I'm sure you and your husband have won many battles all your life, financially, socially, family and in regards to work, so now different circumstances have arisen, and yes it is so hard for your husband to have dementia, as I know people with this illness, and yes it is very frustrating and perhaps annoying, but now your life has gone into another direction, and without being mean it is probably the best for him to go into respite, either for a short time or long term.

You have to remember that he won't know, but please don't get me wrong here, but really it will be too much for you to look after him, and again I'm so sorry, but with dementia their reality has gone, and this is truly sad and I hope that I never get it, but who knows.

The care that he will get will be appropriate for his condition, because now the main concern is for yourself to get the attention that is required to get you on an even keel.

This won't happen if you have to look after your husband, and in no way am I blaming anyone, but there are several elderly people I know that had to go into respite and then long term.

Please forgive for being so honest here, but the wives could not cope with (49left) having their husband at home.  Geoff. x