Too Intense, he said. Friends Forever is never true.

[Sun]

My first post here. Not really looking for any help / support in particular. I just need to say my thoughts.. Get it out of my head... So it stops swirling around and engulfs me.

I lost another friend today, someone that i cared for very much, someone that i loved more than anyone else, someone i thought understood me and would always be there for me.  This is not a lost love story, this is real life! I predicted the outcome over a year ago, when we became friends.. Its always the same. I push them away.. 

Too intense was the final response and that i need to back off from them.  I have always spoken the truth openly, i think it saves time, misunderstandings and misinterpretation in my relationships. I ask if im unsure of my effect on friends, i clarify responses and actions to save anxiety and tension. But as always this is the reason people are attracted to me as a friends, the qualities they first admire, a straight talker, not mincing words, always truthful... These become my downfall in the end. My constant need to make sure things are ok, that i havent offended, been too truthful, or tactful.. This is what they end up dispising in our relationship.

And they walk away

[White_Rose]

Hello Sun

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for telling us your story. You are in a difficult position, damned if you do and damned if you don't. Can you tell me how uncomfortable it makes you feel not knowing how other people perceive you. I ask because I have experienced some of these feelings. And it's been hard wanting to know if you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately it puts the other person on the spot of not knowing how to respond.

If you have upset the person in some way, however small, they be OK about it and willing to move on but when you ask the incident becomes fixed in their mind. If the other person is not upset they may start to wonder all sorts of things. e. g. should I be upset?, have I missed something?, have I upset him?, why is he asking?. This is quite uncomfortable for the other person.

If I may a couple of suggestions? When you meet new people try to be not so open with them at the start. I know openness can make for good communication but not all the time. Questioning can also lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Social interactions call for a certain amount of reserve, at least until you have established a firm friendship. Anything else is just too overwhelming. It sounds great that your new mate is an open sort of person and says it as it is, but this does scare people when faced with the reality of it every day. It becomes an ordeal to be with you because of the questioning that will inevitably take place. These comments are being given to you with respect, so I hope you are not offended. This is our first contact so did that feel uncomfortable?

This is why I ask how difficult it is not knowing how others feel about you. You are in effect asking if you are liked or likable. The answer to that is, if others don't like you they will not take time to be with you. And it may not be a case of like or dislike. Mostly when two people meet they find they have something in common and want to explore this with the other, or they don't. Rarely is it a personal judgement.

If someone is upset with you for any reason that person will withdraw or tell you about it without any prompting. Friends usually will speak up about a major hassle and ignore minor things.

We cannot be all things to all people however much we want to be. If you need constant reassurance go and have a chat with your GP and find a way of containing your anxieties, or better still getting rid of them.

Please write in again.

Mary

[Sun]

Hi Mary, ty for taking the time to respond.  I wrote a long winded answer and got a system error, so here is the edited version.... Which will not be so gut reaction.

im not sure i need reassurance for myself all the time, its more to check that i havent offended, or overstepped boundaries with my outspokeness. And before addressing the situation would know the person well enough for them to know i have depression.  Im am introverted and shy, i dont open up to many people and its not something i would do when first meeting someone. Only a few people know i have depression. 

Yes your answer made me feel uncomfortable... No biggy though.  I think more for the fact that the way i have come across to anyone reading this may infact be different to what i had intended, too needy, a princess all about me! Maybe that is what im really like. 

There was no big argument with my friend or harsh words. I think the relationship has just worn out with me being me.  They know how to contact me and i have left it at that... Im not good at walking away and just letting things go.. But i need to learn that sometimes there are reasons things dont work out and it may not be all about me.  But there are still the what ifs? And maybe just one more message doubts to contend with. And the mental abuse as to whether or not i should bother anymore...  

There were other things i said in the last response that i cant remember now.... Maybe it is all about me and being too needy, wanting reassurance i'm sure i will think on this in times ahead. It is good to get another persons perspective.

not sure if any of this makes sense

sun

[White_Rose]

Hello Sun

Well your second post is a bit different. Sorry you felt uncomfortable.

Being needy is a real pain in the rear end and so hard to drop the habit.  Walk away and let things go? Not this little black duck. But I have realised that this is so counter-productive.

I am please you wrote back. Will chat later.

Mary