Tired of being alone, tired of being lonely

Guest_5809 · ‎07-11-2014

I am 43 sole carer of 2 children I love and adore my children. Bit I hate my lot in life. Sounds crazy I am sure. I wouldn't change my kids for anything but I hate being alone. I have been alone for 8 years. I long for someone to cuddle me and give affection. I have severe depression and anxiety. I have immense guilt feeling like this. I know it is selfish but I would dearly love to have someone in my life who loves me( I know my kids love me but it isn't the same). I am overweight which I know doesn't appeal to men and the fact I have 2 kids full time. I lay in bed at night and cry. I am so lonely. I seem to have so many things going on in my life I know I will be alone forever. It's a horrible daunting feeling. I am recently thinking that once the kids are adults my pain can end. The kids won't need me or want me around. The thought of me being even more alone is unimaginable. No body I know gets the loneliness and isolation that I live with. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread until the kids are just that bit older. I am a good person. I have made mistakes. I feel like I am being punished for the rest of my life. This dam black dog is my punishment and I am scared of succumbing to it.

Jacko777 · ‎08-11-2014

Hi Dottibluebell,

I am glad you have posted, i am sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

Of course your kids will always want you around, to look up to, to love each other, they would be shattered if you were gone. Are you seeing a Doc, are you on medication?

Certainly if you believe you will never find a partner then you are putting up a barrier that will sabotage your efforts. You are giving much thought to a future scenario that may not happen, this saps your energy. "All unhappiness is caused by a chord that is yet to sound or a chord that stopped ringing long ago."

It would be a great time for you to let some of this negative emotion go, give yourself a break. You could practice gratitiude, keep in the moment especially around your children who you love and adore, put the black dog on notice, refuse to let it come between you and your kids, or at least practice.

We all want to be loved, but it is never straight forward that's for sure. Some people are married and can't get love and affection. The best thing you can do is find love for your self, discover the force of love in your heart that can heal these wounds. I send you love.

HA1 · ‎08-11-2014

Hi Dottiebluebell

Jacko has provided you with some wonderful words of advice and thoughts for you to ponder.

In addition, may I ask whether you have any opportunity to meet with friends or family on a regular basis, going out and socialising? I acknowledge it will be hard if your children are still young. Is there any opportunity for you to pursue any of your interests with local community groups?

Love will come to you.

K

Guest_5809 · ‎09-11-2014

Thanks for replying.

I am on medication. On and off for the past 13 years. I was in a loveless marriage. I am tired of it and over the pain of being unloveable. With my depression I gave cut myself off from all my family and friends. I am not working at moment as I have a child who is school reusing due to a horrendous bullying incident. I feel like I am never destined to go forward. For every step forward there is many more backwards. I am hostage to my own depression and to my sons issues. He is in late primary school.

Your words are inspiring and beautiful I just wish I was in a place were I could believe in them

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Kaylee · ‎09-11-2014

Hi Dotti 🙂

If it's any help to know - I feel the same. I myself am the sole carer of 2 boys and totally understand where you are coming from. Some days life just really sux but I'm sure like my 2 children, yours will always need you around 🙂

I've also been on and off meds for about 20 years and just recently gone back on them as I can feel myself going downward. Children themselves are hard work but doing it alone is even harder. just wanted you to know you are not alone xx

Jacko777 · ‎10-11-2014

I am glad you replied Dottibluebell. I think and hope that with time you can change your thinking about these issues. Often we cannot change our circumstances but we can change how we react to them. And I am not saying it is easy, but it is worth it.

Have you thought about visiting a Doc to go over your mental health strategy? Perhaps the meds you are on are not right for you?

Sometimes I need to sit down and take a long hard look at myself. I write down all the aspects of my life, family, job, hobbies, etc. Then I have the opportunity to examine each area of my life, to think about where I am at, where I would like to be. From this examination I can see what is missing, perhaps I don't do enough for my self, or perhaps some areas have become stagnant and need activation. From here I can make some long term goals and from there I can work out what I should be doing today. Even if I only do some small actions towards my goals I can be satisfied that I am on track and these changes will make a difference long term.

Some times we have to give what we want. If we want love we have to give love, with no expectation of anything in return. Practice giving love to anyone and everyone you come across, I think this will make you feel better. (You could do this right here on this site.) Try to forget about your self and take interest in others, this can bring happiness and satisfaction. Meditation could help you a lot right now also.

I hope you have support to address your sons event at school, there are resources on this site if you need more.

What are you passionate about Dottibluebell? Can you start doing some things for your self each day, some activity that makes you happy and calm?

Words are so important, if you say you are a hostage then you are. If you say you are addressing your issues and moving forward then you are. You are on a journey, you are destined to move forward if you respond to each moment with love and positivity, regardless of how serious the moment is. It takes practice to achieve this, I know I haven't, but practicing gets you closer.

Love to you and your sons.

gmc · ‎19-11-2014

Hello Dottibluebell,

I am sorry you feel his way as I am sorry for anyone who feels this way - because I have been there.

I am not a mother, but I can understand the love for your children, this is an important things to move you forward. The fact that you have them is your biggest motivation to go on, so use it and consider this role you have as your starting point to get better.

Do you see a counselor, Dotti? Did you go to your GP and talked about your problems? BeyondBlue can offer you some good professionals in your area to see... It would be pitty not to use the resources this wonderful website is giving us, as you use the forum. Don't rush, Dotti, you'll get better if you start someone - and you did, by writing to us about your problems. Please write to us other times too. I would love to discuss with you more.

A personal advice: use thebenefits of writing and confessing to people on this forum, it's so great to have the feeling that you are not alone...

Write to us soon,

gmc