Thought my closest friend understood, she doesn't.

Hopefullseeking · ‎06-02-2016

I was having a Messenger conversation with my closest friend, she has been a great support and thought she Got me, until last night.

The last ccouple of weeks have been better, l know shock, and l thought I had turned that corner. This friends sister even commented on how good I looked.

Last couple of days haven't been good, have felt

really low again, fortunately I know the trigger but even knowing hadn't helped.

I told my friend I was feeling low again

, and how l thought l had finally turned the corner then she said 'depends on how much you want to turn that corner' then she immediately said Be strong. I think she realized she had said the wrong thing but I still felt hurt.

Do you have to have depression

to understand what someone else is going through? Feel like I can't talk to her anymore. I am not going to lose her friendship but l feel different towards her now. Am l being to sensitive?

Has this happened to any

one else? What did you do? I feel mire weird than ever now.

Anne

Graceeeeee · ‎20-03-2016

Hi dear Anne!

I'm really sorry I haven't been able to check up on you for the past few days.. I know what you mean by the numbness and all, and I know what you mean when you say no one really understands. It is a long journey indeed, and lonely at times.. I'm here for you, and so is everyone here 🙂 I'm sorry to hear you were abused as a child, I can see that caused so much harm to your mental health.. I won't pry into your past, but dear Anne, have you talked about this with your psychologist? It seems cruel to open that wound again.. But if it's still in a bad state then we need to open it, clean it up, put a bandaid on it so it can heal properly, once we do that, we often feel so much clarity.. So if one day when you're ready Anne, maybe you can slowly reveal your wound to your psychologist so she can help you heal.

When it seems like there s no light, we will be the light, and when it seems like you are forever lost, we will hold your hand and guide you. You might not notice but it's what you have already done by sharing your stories here with us, you are truly brave and amazing, and I hope you appreciate yourself the way we appreciate you.

Sorry if I can't help enough, but know that my heart and love is with you 🙂 Take care dear Anne! And be gentle to yourself.. 🙂

With Love,

Grace xxx

Hopefullseeking · ‎21-03-2016

Morning

It looks like we have more in common than I first thought.

Junk food has been part of my life for as long as i can remember, for me it numbs my feelings and helps me cope and I struggle to cope without it. People say just cut it out, eat healthily but it is my crutch so how do you throw that away.

I use to steal money from my brothers savings jar, he never knew, it was my way of getting back at him for what he was doing to me. My ex new what had happen during my childhood when he first met my brother and he admitted to me once that he knew I would be easy pickings and easily controled. Sick aye.

I don't want to remember what I have forgotten, i do remember some stuff and that is enough for me, it brings me to the edge every now and then so don't want to know what I have blocked out.

I am 61 and still learning what life is all about and where I fit. I have managed to limit family reunions to christmas time and that is difficult but I manage, however it does undo me for a little while.

I still have nightmares, less than a year ago, I still have flashbacks on occasion and much less than I use to. I still do struggle at times but I am getting there, slowly. Sometimes I want to give in but I keep thinking if I do that what will I miss out on. lol

Thanks for your support Pipsy, it means a lot.

Hugs

Anne

Hopefullseeking · ‎21-03-2016

Hi Grace,

How are you and don't feel bad about not coming on here for a few days, life has a habit of getting in the way.

My psychologist and psychiatrist are well aware of my childhood abuse and the DV I went through. My childhood abuse is the one I have had the most trouble with of late, my ex husband was a brutal man but as I don't see him i have managed to deal and put behind me most of his stuff. My brother is a different matter.

Grace, I do try and be gentle on myself and love myself. Its hard as I am not use to looking after me, I am only use to surviving and keeping my children alive and safe. They are both adults so it is time for me and I am learning to take care of me, at long last.

Hugs

Anne

pipsy · ‎21-03-2016

Hi Hopefullseeking. I'm so sorry your husband made that comment about you being 'easy picking's'. A very unhelpful comment about something you had no control over. Rather ironic that all you stole was money when brother stole your life. I spent most of my young life hiding from my brother. I made the decision last year to cut him completely out of my life when I realized I didn't have to have contact. I was up against him and my mother in my young years. Mum and him both told me if I told dad what was happening and dad left, it would be down to me. It took me quite a long time to realize what a bluff that was too. Since I regained control of my life, I've been a different person. Whatever you do in your life, is your decision. Whether you eat junk food, drink to stop the pain, you have to realize these are your decisions. If you're happy with your life, that's all that counts. I know the nightmares are something you have no control over, these will fade as you make whatever decisions you have to make. If seeing your brother brings back painful memories, I would think about some alternatives. Maybe just the odd phone call, tell him you're busy and don't have the time available to see him. Don't take the guilt trip he lays on you if you don't want to see him. Don't be scared to take back control, this is what your brother is counting on. By limiting contact, this is another way of protecting and loving yourself. You've come a long way from the scared little girl you were, you are an adult and need to protect the girl you were. I understand the fear you lived with, believe me. Once I took back my life and stopped my brother's involvement in my life, I've felt 100% freer than I ever felt during my formative years. Physical and emotional abuse within families is not acceptable. Every child has the right to be protected. I wasn't, but as I said, I've let the hate and destruction go. Once you realize you owe your brother nothing, you will learn strength.

Graceeeeee · ‎23-03-2016

Hey dear Anne!

Yes I can imagine with thinking about surviving all those years it must not be easy now to think about yourself.. But you are a very strong woman and you bring courage to this forum, I hope you can see that, and we will always be your friends.

And thank you very much for asking! Expect for a swollen throat I'm actually going pretty great! Easter weekend already, hurray! So what about you? Any updates from your friend, any apologies, lashes, or conversations? Of course you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I understand, and I hope you are doing well!! Thinking of you, big big hugs to you too, and thank you Anne for yours, hugs always appreciated here for me 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

Hopefullseeking · ‎24-03-2016

Hi Pipsy,

I spent a lot of time hiding from my brother to, I found one place that no none knew of and was never found there, it was inside the house so I could hear him calling me but he never found me.

My brother has BP and due to a car accident has memory loss so it is a question mark if he even remembers. Not all my family know so I do see him at christmas time, its hard but I get through. Any troubles i show I put it down to my depression and then I am covered.

Because of his memory problems he doesn't have a phone, looses them so I don't have contact with him and that suits me just fine.

He acts like nothing has happened between us so to him I am his sister and he loves me therefore gives me a hug when I see him. He becomes puzzled if I ignore him.

Its a tricky one.

Hopefullseeking · ‎24-03-2016

Hi Grace

Everyone on this forum is courageous, they have made it this far with all the problems they have, that takes courage and this means you to.

No updates and no appologies as she doesn't see that she has done anything wrong. Next time she says it I will say something.

Love your new photo.

Have a wonderful joyous Easter break with you friends. Don't eat too much chocolate Haha.

Cheers

Anne

pipsy · ‎24-03-2016

Hi Hopefullseeking. Thanks to your last post, I now understand the predicament you're in re: brother and why the occasional contact. My brother is an alcoholic, also suffers memory loss through alcoholism. This is no excuse on his part though. He has a mobile, but doesn't know my mobile number. I pray he never finds it. He is also in total denial re: the abuse. I would say deep down there is possible memory of it, but because there's never been referral of it, no words have ever been spoken. I would have loved some sort of acknowledgement/apology from him, but none has ever been forthcoming. Have you discussed this predicament with your psychologist? It would be interesting to see what her advise would be. Apart from the abuse, was your brother physically violent? Mine was, used to beat me whenever he could, mum and dad went out a lot during winter, they were avid football fans, so would go watch football each weekend. My brother would go drinking with his mates, come home to change, assault me, then go as if nothing had happened. I rang the cops numerous times, but they did nothing. A neighbour actually saw my brother chasing me with a weapon, he stopped him, threatened to tell dad, whether he did, I have no idea.

I would suggest you discuss with your psych about the reasons why you feel you can't avoid the occasional contact.

pipsy · ‎24-03-2016

Hi again, Hopefullseeking. Sorry, I wandered off the track a bit. You mentioned your brother has BP, also involved in a car accident, so it's questionable how much recall he has about your young years. Was it a serious accident? You also mentioned some of your family are aware of the abuse. Have you thought about discussing with them how uneasy you feel at these family gatherings? I would perhaps consider discussing this with your psych as well. The more info she has, the more she can help. I suppose you don't want anyone to pass judgement on your brother, because of what he did to you. You'd rather they make up their own mind about their feelings for him. If other family members are put more fully into the picture, it could be beneficial to you, in the long run. Are you still a bit nervous about being alone with him, or doesn't that situation happen?

Hopefullseeking · ‎25-03-2016

Morning Pipsy,

Happy Good Friday

The accident my brother had was serious, he nearly died and in a coma for a week, broken pelvis, right sided weekness and head trauma.

Mum is aware of my uneasiness but my brother is her son to so it is difficult for her, she loves us both. I told my youngest brother as he lives interstate and at times when I can't be in my other brothers company we met somewhere else. He is so understanding and has become quite protective with me when my other brother is around, sweet really.

Both my psychologist and psychiatrist are well aware of my brothers abuse, they would prefer I never see him again but it isn't that easy unfortunately.

I feel uneasy around him but he suffers a lot from after affects of his accident so I know he isn't capable of doing anything to me. Still seeing him always undoes me a bit and it takes a few weeks before a visit and after for me

Today I am at mums and it is just her and I, she warns me when my brother may be staying with her so i don't visit then. Mum lives 1 1/2 hours drive from me so I visit her maybe once a month and we have mother and daughter time.

I spent so many years hating her for not protecting me but came to realise she is getting older and one day won't be here at all so why waste what time I have left with her. I am 61 and she is 85 so I make the best of what time I spend with her.

Ok, have a wonderful Easter weekend with your friends and family or whoever you are spending it with.

Hugs

Anne