This isn't getting better and I don't know what to do anymore.

[cgp_bs]

Has anyone else dealt with feeling like your psychologist just doesn't care for you?
Back in very early February, I decided to make the jump and speak to my GP about my issues with mental health.
Firstly, they shrugged it off like it was just a moment I was having with my life and that with some therapy, it'll go away.

I was referred to a local mental health psychology clinic with the initial intent to have my first appointment in May.
I felt I couldn't do this so I decided to see if they were able to refer me to another psychologist. Early April. Okay sweet.

I wait 2 months to finally arrive to this clinic. I talk to him about my current concerns and I get hit with "I don't care about you, I only care about you getting better". I understood what he was trying to imply but I left my session not feeling good from that statement. I get their job is to care about getting better but maybe that's just a sign to needing a psychologist that's a bit more warmer rather than blunt and factual.
He was my 6th psych, my first that wasn't apart of my works EAP - I had been recommended to get off of the EAP and get a mental health care plan instead, to help deal with more long-term issues.

I've contacted the organisation to see about a next session date with my psychologist.
No reply.
I leave a voicemail later on, no reply.
5 days later, nothing.
I try contact again, nothing...

I don't know what to do.
I had my first major breakdown a couple of days ago where I finally broke down in front of my partner (I'm not an emotional person ever).
All I kept repeating in my head was "I don't want to live anymore, I don't want to do this anymore". That really scared me.

I had been prescribed medication from my GP for other anxiety reasons but was refusing to take them due to the nature and addictive aspect of the medication... I had to take one. I had never wanted to actually scream out loud that I wanted to die but a couple of days ago was the first time.

I'm currently a carer for my partners father after he's recently had a stroke so I'm very much house-ridden with him, for the next 3-4 weeks. Essentially weekends are my time to get out but I know my specific GP is never there on weekends.

I don't know what to do.
I hate this feeling. I hate feeling worthless.
None of my friends seem to care... I tried to make a thread in our chat group about a place we could all vent and they instantly decided to spam it with offensive and pathetic jargon.

I'm over this.

[therising]

Hi cgp_bs

So glad you came here, to a place with such deeply caring, supportive, inspirational people, the kind of people you need in life.

When I read your initial post, I couldn't help but think 'What the...?' in regard to all the unhelpful questionable people in your life. Here you are a very caring person (otherwise you wouldn't be caring for your partner's dad), a sensitive person (sensitive to the need to be raised and to the need to not deal with foolishness), an incredibly beautiful person and I imagine someone who is feeling somewhat exhausted. You definitely deserve a lot more support and recognition than what you're getting. Sounds like a good idea, going back to see your GP, so you can find a psychologist who makes a difference. One who doesn't make a difference is no help at all. One who's depressing is even worse.

I've found that dealing with 1 or 2 people with intolerable behaviour is manageable to some degree but when there's a long line of people with intolerable behaviour, it can feel mind altering and depressing. I'm wondering if the following will make a positive difference on your path. I hope so...

I've found the process of constructive disappointment to be helpful and a self-esteem booster. Of course, it's not always easy:

• 'I appoint you as a friend who will help me through my deeper challenges.' When this friend fails to show up time and time again when things get tough, 'I disappoint you as this person. I will appoint another 'go to' person for this role, someone who can fill this role'
• 'I appoint you as the therapist who will raise my consciousness and my spirits.' When this therapist fails to raise you in the ways you need raising, 'I disappoint you as this person. I will appoint another therapist for this role, someone who can fill this role'
• 'I appoint my partner as the person who can offer me relief from exhaustion and offer me mental and emotional support.' If your partner does not offer these things, clarifying their role so they know what's expected of them is something worth discussing

With that last one, I've found that in my own marriage, there's a difference between constructive disappointment and letting someone off the hook from taking shared responsibility in the relationship. I'm hoping you've got a truly supportive partner. You definitely deserve this. You might have to appoint yourself as someone who insists your partner takes a day off work so you can go see your preferred GP.

🙂