Thinking I want out

[Niks85]

Hi to anyone willing to listen

I haven't posted in a long time. I'm feeling very down lately and feeling a bit unhappily married because my husband although a great financial supporter is terrible at emotional support. Sometimes I find him controlling and occasionally he puts me down. Things were great once then covid hit and his company folded. Whats really got me down is he doesnt really want more kids we have a daughter who is 1 and I feel like im now grieving the baby I never had or will have. Today i actually thought about divorce which scares me. I love being a mum feeling so devastated. While its a thing of the past now I miss my best friend. My husband hated her and we are no longer friends because of it. Just so unhappy but we have a daughter now so I feel stuck. What do I do? Counseling wont work hes a closed book. I haven't worked for two years so im really stuck. So depressed

[Croix]

Dear Nicks85~

Your life has been no bed of roses and now you do have some difficult choices.

Your life in NZ culminating in an abusive relationship sounds horrible and I admire your strength in leaving, and then traveling here for a fresh start away from all you knew.

In July things were good, you had an excellent friend, your husband was in a good job and although he was infertile despite your trying you received a door baby girl. The only deal downside was your finding out you had

BiPolar, though even that was a help in a way as -after trial and error - you were able to settle on a medication that made life easier.

Late you wrote your husband had finished his job due to Covid, but has found another which was a good thing financially, even if it took a great deal of his time.

Finding out he was unable to father a child must have come as a great shock to both of you, though I have a feeling that for many men they see it as a fundamental flaw in their masculinity and role in life. This in turn can have a range of effects on the person including anger, even resentment.

You have found you love being a mother and feel the need for more children. At the same time you find your husband does not wish this.

Can I ask if your husband loves your little girl? Do you think he loves you?

Frankly the thing that worries me most about this post is your saying your husband is controlling and puts you down. At the same time he has isolated you from your freind. These can very well be the signs of an

abusive relationship which may develop worse over tme.

What are your feelings on this. Does your experience in NZ help you have perspective on this?

You ask what to do, and there is no way anyone can answer for you on the information above.

I do think there are at least three things to consider.

First

BiPolar can sometimes make things out in their worst light.

Second getting a divorce is not a simple and straightforward matter, it is full of practical problems and you end up having a relationship with your ex anyway due to custody. I'd ring 1800Respect - 1800 737 732 and talk matters over. They can give advice on what you can do and what to expect. Single motherhood is very hard and not something to be rushed into.

Third I'd try to re-engage and resume that friendship -irrespective of your husband's views. Having support and not being isolated makes a huge difference.

Perhaps then might be the time to step back and decide what you want.

You are always welcome here

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Niks85, a spouse/partner who is financially supportive is what we need, but not when he makes use of this ability to then be emotionally and controlling of your relationship, it defeats the purpose, especially if he has destroyed any connection between you and your friend who at this point maybe great company, just as she could be thinking exactly the same.

You are entitled to make contact once again, and if you're worried about what his reaction will be, then do it at your own convenience because you need your own social network to have a life.

If he doesn't want any more children only shows his dominance in your marriage and if you're unhappy and he says he doesn't want any counselling isn't going to resolve any problems.

You can get a divorce, I can't tell you to do this, it's your decision, but don't let this marriage stop you from doing so, especially if you want another child that can play and grow up with your one year daughter.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Niks85]

Thanks for your response. My husband is a really good dad and loves her very much. As far as being a bit controlling he wants me to be the perfect house wife and compares me to other woman when I'm absolutely exhausted from looking after a toddler and at times there might be dishes in the kitchen but most nights im cooking, cleaning and always looking after our toddler. He now gets home between 7pm -8pm works 12 hour days so im raising our baby on my own. Im very thankful he supports us financially but emotional support is lacking. As far as divorce I don't think it's the answer I would rather sort things out somehow. I'm definitely not perfect i have my ups and downs which would be hard for him. I dont feel I can reconnect with my best friend who he blamed for doing something she didn't do because I made the mistake of taking his side. He does criticize most people in my life who I love which is upsetting but I've made it clear that he needs to stop because I make a real effort with his friends and family. All marriages have ups and downs I feel we can work it out. I need to get a job soon I think it will help me with my confidence and he wont compare our roles. Thanks again for your advice 😊

[JoannaJay]

Hi Niks,

I really feel for you in that although your husband isn’t financially controlling,and loves your daughter,you are still in an emotionally abusive relationship,as I am,but mine is both emotional/financial.

I too am considering divorce,but it’s not an easy decision to have your ‘dirty laundry’ aired,your husband being further outraged in all probability,not to mention cost. Lawyers are generally quite viscous,and things get unpleasant.

I got a very good pie chart from a women’s counselling serviceabout domestic abuse,as putting you down,not liking your friend,that is emotional abuse and considered Domestic Abuse,and not to be tolerated. I highlighted each segment that referred to his behaviour,stuck it on the fridge,and when he starts his put downs or aggressive behaviour,I tell him to look at the chart,and STOP right now,as I don’t have to take it.

Try to make amends with your friend by getting a nice card,write her a letter saying just how you feel,if she doesn’t want to accept the olive branch,then just put it down to experience.

By opening up on here,at least know you are not alone,I care as do others. I have been through all the emotions,having had depression,anxiety,PTSD since a child, and having had a controlling father. I then married a similar man,he died,but made the mistake again,although my husband wasnt an alcoholic which was a big thing in his favour at the time

Lack of emotional support can mean your husband also may be depressed and feel a failure,but taking it out on you is not the answer. Stay firm,tell him you don’t have to take his behaviour. If he won’t go to counselling,like my husband,it’s frustrating as you feel you are hitting your head against a brick wall. I have actually moved into a self contained Granny Flat,as our house is not fit for my health conditions. At least I am away from his criticism,but I don’t know if you have anywhere you and your daughter could go to,just to give him room to think about what he needs to put into the marriage on a personal basis,and if going it alone is what he wants.

I hope this helps a bit. Stay strong,you are so worth it,as a person,wife and mother.

[Croix]

Dear Niks85~

You seem a bit stronger in this last post, more as if you know where you want to go.

I've only two thoughts I'd like to share.

With your ex-friend; yes a card wold be excellent, however saying you were wrong with an apology can make a huge difference too. While it is only natural to side with one's partner that can be because he is the partner, not because he is right.

A hard thing to try to explain however it might be in your judgment the effort might be worth it. If a person of worth your ex-friend might unbend.

The other thing is about a job, yes I'm sure it would put you on a more equal footing, and at the same time give you grounds to draw barriers around his perfectionist demands -good for your psyche. The only question I have concerns child-minding and the housework that really needs doing. Perhaps there is someone in your family to help? Is there any hope of this?

I hope it can work.

Croix

[Niks85]

Hi Croix

I've just enrolled myself in a 4 week course starting March to hopefully get some work I think it will help. I will put my little one in daycare prob 2 or 3 days a week. My mum is coming around on Monday for 3 hours so i can get on top of house work.

The medication im on makes me exhausted so mum helps once a week for a few hours. I can understand why my husband doesn't want another child but im struggling with it. We cancelling our ivf plans tomorrow so I made a doctor appointment to have some counselling.

As for my ex best mate I agree that a card would be nice. I don't have her new address and she blocked me on her phone and social media. She holds grudges. I might just try moving forward. I have other friends it's just that we were very close friends once.

thanks for your advice and support

[Croix]

Dear Niks85~

You are stronger. The idea of the course is excellent, and having that as the start of finding a job a good way to ease back into the commercial world.

Placing your little one in daycare gives you a some freedom -the whole idea I suppose, and having a mum that helps is great, my first wife's mum helped her too. The talking as well as the washing.

Counseling will be good too, you seem to have all the good avenues covered:)

I'm sorry about the cancellation of the IVF, a member of out family tried it for a long time, it is hard, she said particularly the waiting on results. There I guess you were hoping positive and from what you say your husband was hoping for the opposite. Very difficult.

Also it is a pity about your freind. Maybe circumstances might change and in the meantime you are building other friendships based on your likes and feelings. They make hte world of difference, my wife has a couple of particularly good freinds she visits often. It is great for her and she always comes back happy.

If I might ask have you had a discussion with your doctor about the tiredness from the medication? There may be alternatives. I had to go a long time to find one that worked without side effects.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[clown_of_mine]

Secretly I think we all think about another life, perhaps a more attractive one where we could be the impressive creature we think we could be Given The Right Circumstances . I Am guilty of this type of escapism and it brings me unhappiness . Because I must learn to deal with life as it it which is So much harder than Hoping and Wishing and Thinking I Want Out. Maybe this is why Old people say The Grass Is All Ways Greener Over There. I wish our generation had up to date cautionary quotes to keep us from stray thoughts . I think your lucky to be a mum , have a roof over your head , and family . I wish you terrific green grass of your own.