Think my depression is impacting my relationship

[OTM-D]

Hi guys, 

I have have had depression for almost a year and have been diagnosed with depression for 9 months and been on and off medication for 7. I noticed during my first lot of meds I had mental blunting so came off it. I have recently been put on an atypical antidepressant which works but is very expensive. 

Over this time my partner has been incredibly supportive and made a huge difference. Especially since I had a couple of suicide attempts in this time. I currently have my dr, meds and psychologist as professional support. 

I have noticed that my partner says less about the future now that I have been really unwell and I know he does struggle with anxiety himself (seen psych and is a lot better) and im sure it is hard balancing a lot of different things atm. 

I have been difficult of late as I cry a lot over little things that normally wouldn't upset me and have a lot of negative thoughts and often speak them aloud (about myself not him). 

How can I really give myself to become better so I take that added pressure off of him? I am gonna restart my meds now that I have my script back for that (issue with drs appointment and had no medication left when I eventually was rescheduled to see them). I also am gonna get back into the gym as I used to do that lots when I was on my SSRI with my partner and it was fun.  

Im just super annoyed at myself for being so ignorant and self centred that I didn't realise me not really trying to get better was impacting our relationship so much. He hasn't mentioned it, it's just an epiphany I've had of late realising how hard it has been on him and that of course it'd have an impact when dealing with your own problems. 

Im planning on spending a couple weeks away from him to give him some time to himself but any other ideas??

[Croix]

Dear OTM-D~

Welcome to the Support Forum. A good place to come as it can give you insight into how others had coped in distressing circumstances -have a  browse

Look, I"m going ot be a bit blunt, if stressed please skip this post.

There were several things in your post the rang a bell with me (I've been a victim of long term depression  and suicidality and anxiety)  and also am a partner

The idea of going away and giving someone 'space' may be based upon a wish not to inflict one's misery on another - which on the surface seems reasonable BUT a couple of things may happen

At the moment you  have mutual siupport - and that will stop, and secondly a person can feel abandoned. Mutual support can come from understanding - like experiences  can can promote effective empathy .

So I guess it is a judgment call - you are the person on the spot

In my own case my partner sticking with me, no matter how horrible I was, made a huge difference to both  of us. It helped get me through

There are pros and cons

The next thing is your own condition and suicidality. This is a heavy thing and you need all the support you can get . As well  imagine what it it is  like for a partner to to come home each day wondering if you will still be there. Incredibly frightened, frustrated and powerless

May I suggest you and your partner make a safety plan for you - the one I use is called Beyondnow, a free phone app

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

You fill it in in advance when feeling reasonably good. I made hash of mine and needed my partner to help. This is because there is a section called "Things I can do for myself". Here you put everything that distracts, cheers ,calms, amuses, make one feel different. These are hard things to remember from the past so this is where a partner that knows you comes in. Then they not only have helped but they know they have a had a hand in your welfare when you are in distress -make sense?

I'm glad you are going back on meds -even expensive ones. They are a normal part of my life and make all the difference

Croix

[OTM-D]

Thank you I really appreciate your response and advice. 

I am definitely gonna ask my partner to help me with the safety plan. I tried it a day ago and struggled because I couldn't think of many things at that point, it's a great idea to get him to help me fill it in since he'd have more insight. 

I really value your opinion it has given me a lot to think about!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I agree with Croix, I wouldn't leave him in order to solve an invisible issue.

I've got this link to solving conflict

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

TonyWK 

[OTM-D]

Thanks for the link it helped!!!

[OTM-D]

Thanks so much for your advice. Got him to help me fill out that part of the safety plan and we sat down and had a massive chat about it all. He doesn't see the point in a break he just wants to support me and I can support him by getting better. It was a super helpful chat and I've worked out a better way to make sure I take my meds everyday, as like you said they do help! 

[Croix]

Dear OTM-D~

I'm really pleased that you were able ot get closer, the saftey plan is a surprising help when in great distress - it is a 'living document' though. If you find something amuses, helps or whatever just add it to the list. It is alos a means of being closer sharing it as you found.

As would have been the case with me, being on my own would not have helped at all -though I'm sure for some it might.

I hpe the meds do help

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[therising]

Hi OTM-D

I know it's easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up too much when it comes to some of the things you weren't conscious of before but are now. One of things I've discovered about depression or periods of depression is the more you put into self understanding, the more conscious you gradually become (in understanding triggers, skills, emotions, thought processing, beliefs etc).

The guilt factor is one of the things a lot of people don't often speak about when it comes to gradually waking up through greater self understanding. Revelations are often put across as enlightening joyful things. There can definitely be a tormenting side to them, including facing how our behaviour or ways of thinking have impacted others. I found putting a positive spin on guilt to be helpful. I like to see guilt as always asking me 'Who do you want to be from this moment onward?'. The answer could be 'Someone who is more conscious'. This can change your identity, from 'I am someone who's hopeless' to 'I am someone who's in the process of becoming more conscious'. Forgiving our self for being less conscious (for a variety of valid reasons) before our revelation/s is a compassionate approach to self development. Yes, definitely hard at times, this self forgiveness business.

With managing the challenges of feeling/s, inner dialogue and so much more with mental health, an open minded caring wonderful partner is so important. I've found a sense of wonder to be significant. Being a mum to a 20yo gal and 17yo guy, this is one of the ways we manage our mental health. If one of us is in the midst of a potentially depressing challenge, we'll all wonder together as to what the challenge may really be about. If one of us is significantly down or becoming highly stressed, we'll all wonder as to what the trigger/s could be. If one of us is dealing with some deeply challenging internal dialogue, we'll wonder where it came from, whether it's linked to a possibly outdated destructive belief system that needs to go, self esteem etc etc. A wonder filled (wonderful) open mind is the kind of mind that allows revelations to come in. With a closed mind, nothing gets in. With 2 or more people wondering together, it becomes about brainstorming for epiphanies and coming to rely on each other as a team that works things out together.