There must be a better way

Greyscale · ‎11-09-2017

Hi Everyone,

I've been battling with depression/anxiety on and off for 12 years. Luckily in the last 3 years, with the help of meds and occasional counselling I've been feeling a lot better and have been mostly on the up. However in the last month I've completely spiralled into darkness and self loathing.

I am lucky enough to have everything 'sorted'.

Full time work
loving boyfriend
cute (if bitey) kitten
home (mortgage) owner
travel plans on the horizon

I thought that not having to worry about these things anymore would help me feel at peace. But instead I'm finding myself feeling the worst I've felt in two years. Just not being able to shake this feeling of complete sadness and failure. Previously I could pin it to something, though now, there's nothing

In my recent appointment with my psych we spoke about acceptance and trying not to fight my depression. But I can't help but feel like it's not fair. That just because something in my body is broken, I have to go through this wave of overwhelming sadness. Just to accept this is my lot in life. Get up, got to work and push through

How is that ok? What is the point in trying if this wave will just come and crush me again in a few years, months or weeks?

This really is making me question the point of living if this is to be the cycle.

I guess I'm just putting these thoughts out there to see if anyone else has had the same advice, or how you got to a point of acceptance. Because I'm really struggling here to see the positives.

Thank you for listening/reading.

white knight · ‎11-09-2017

Hi Grayscale, welcome

I understand your frustration. However, it isnt so logical to declare that it isnt fair. Life is unfair. We only have to enter a quadriplegic ward to see that.

The world isnt fair, corruption isnt right but regardless of law enforcement it flourishes.

Acceptance is a better way to go, added to the right diagnosis, best meds and ongoing therapy one can get the best possible outcome.

I know this ismt what you wanted to hear but you can stabilise and live a fruitful life with depression.

Here are a few threads that might help

Use google

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: getting depression into perspective-please read this it might help YOU- beyondblue

Topic: acceptance, is this our biggest challenge?- beyondblue

All the best.

Tony WK

Croix · ‎11-09-2017

Dear Greyscale~

Welcome to a place where many have had those thoughts.

No it is not fair, life hands out crap at times, quite agree. I've never tried acceptance therapy, though I've probably reached the same place though time. Doesn't mean I don't get really fed up and frustrated, I do.

Although I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression I don't consciously accept my lot in life. I do try to improve things. Not just meds and therapy but a life-style designed to maximize good periods and minimize downswings - which still do happen sometimes sad to say.

You've given a list of all the things that are sorted. Work, boyfriend and so on. Lots of good stuff. I'm not sure when a down comes along it is much of a preventer. For me a big thing is knowing I've come out before. As for causes I've come to the conclusion I know a lot of them, some avoidable. Unfortunately some are hidden, affect me but I don't recognize them.

My medical support has done a lot, but like you is not perfect - far from it. I try to exercise, eat nutritious food, don't drink to excess or do recreational drugs at all, try to get restful sleep. Most importantly I regularly practice distraction from everyday life combined with self-reward - something to look forward to. For me that's reading, but that's just me. I'm sure you would have something else -music -art - gardening -.... you would know.

Knowing one can get a regular temporary release from the background stress of life is a very great thing, helps enormously. Mindfulness, in the shape of the Smiling Mind smartphone app is another source of calm and escape.

You said you had medical support, how about personal? Do you have family, boyfriend or other that you can talk to, who will understand and care? I've found that helps lift the load a lot. I guess the important thing is supporters must have a realistic expectation of what they can -and can't -achieve. An appreciation they are not going to 'cure you' will help stop their feeling useless and frustrated. Just being there is good.

OK, I've talked for a while, perhaps you might like to come back and say what you think

Croix

BballJ · ‎11-09-2017

Hi Greyscale,

I have been battling anxiety and mild depression for about the same time you have so I related to your posts very much. I heard a quote a while back about depression and it went something like this - depression is not being sad when things are going wrong, depression is being sad when things are going right. Even though you feel things are going right and are doing all the right things in your life where you should almost just be content and happy, you end up just getting down into the spiral of darkness and wondering why this is all happening.

I think it is important to keep trying and overcoming this, I know you feel the waves just keep coming even when you feel you may be making progress but that is the road to recovery as well, it is very bumpy and at times feels like you are not even moving forward but you are. Personally, I accepted my mental health issues last year, I got to the point where I said enough is enough and faced up to them, one of the hardest things I had to do because I hate speaking about my emotions but it helped me. I think once you accept the fact you suffer from a mental illness the easier it can be to move on from it and learn how to live with it and not let it overrun your entire life.

Need to keep your head up and keep staying as positive as you can.

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

Greyscale · ‎12-09-2017

Thanks for the responses. I certainly understand the notion that 'life isn't fair' but I guess the optimist in me doesn't want to listen. I used to feel a lot more positive and I can feel myself getting more cynical. That's what I really don't like. I don't want acceptance I mean that I become jaded towards the world.

I think that quote sums up exactly what it feels like. I guess what's tipped me over to frustration is that I've been really mindful of my self care lately, practising my yoga and running again, not drinking excessively, sleeping well. But this depressive mood has hit me anyway.

I really am trying to understand and be willing to 'go through the motions' is just something I'm finding really hard to process at the moment. Accepting that there may not be a recovery, and just pushing through the tough times. It just sounds like such an exhausting prospect (and from experience, it is).

In the past I've found it hard to share what I've been going through, I've been called 'lazy' and told to 'be more resilient'. Which, unfortunately, are the responses that I remember best. I do have some great coworkers that I can talk this through with. Including others that have their own mental illness experiences. I've found it easier to accept and talk about my mental illness, flagging my 'down' days.

This is quite a lot of rambling and trying to empty my head so I can sleep. But thank you all for helping and taking the time to share your experiences.

-Hil

Pancake_ · ‎12-09-2017

Hi. I've been where you are. Having everything in life to be happy about, but being absolutely miserable. I'm doing mostly OK on meds, but it only takes a small obstacle to have me flat on my face. You're doing the right things: meds, counselling, reaching out. I have no magic answers for you, just a cyber-hug. xxx

RW85V · ‎12-09-2017

Hey Greyscale,

I identify with your emotional journey but from a perspective of dealing with a chronic pain disorder. When I was first diagnosed and dealing with the disorder I was really angry, I felt like life had really dealt me a blow and nothing about it was fair. I had always thought that I was a reasonably good person and I didn't understand why this had happened to me. I had to go on a journey through this disorder to really accept what was happening in my body and that took a couple of years to do. I found the hard thing about my disorder was that it was so rare that I felt like I had nobody to talk to, I had no support from the medical community and I had nowhere to turn. I think that it why it took me so long to accept it. In the end I have accepted that this is something that I am going to have to live with and manage, that I will have bad days but they will not last - maybe this will help you?

I think it would be good for you to go through some counselling to facilitate you accepting that this is a part of your life. That your body isn't perfect (nobody's body is) but try not to think about yourself as being 'broken'. Try to think of all the positive things your depression encourages you to do in order to stay well. It has so far pushed you to reach out and connect to others so you can find a sense of community and it has seen you take some wonderful steps towards wellness with running and yoga practice. For me, for example, my chronic pain disorder made me very efficient because I learned to work well in the time I wasn't in pain. I tried to think of my disorder as something that contributes to me as a person, rather than something that hinders my life.

I don't know if that is at all helpful and I know it's rich for me to say this when I am years down the track on my journey, but I really identified with your emotions and your point of view. I hope you are well, take care.

BballJ · ‎12-09-2017

Hi Greyscale,

I think it's fine that you are rambling and trying to empty your head, that is exactly what the forums are for. I do not think you were rambling though, you are simply expressing how you feel and that is ok.

I am positive there will be a recovery but it requires you to keep on pushing through the tough times which often in turn leads to a recovery. I am sorry though that you have been simply told to be more resilient, that is a cop out in my opinion and not the best thing to say to someone who is suffering. I hope you have tried to ignore it however.

Keep talking, we are here to listen.

My best,

Jay