Feeling worthless

[Tanya__]

I lost my mother unexpectedly when I was 21. Since then I got married and have 3 children of my own. I am super busy with working, looking after the kids, I run a small business from home, secretary on 2 different committees and own a stud with horses, I think I try and keep myself busy to try and distract myself. I am feeling like my husband and kids would be better off without me, I get really irritated easily and don't really want to socialise at all, not sure where to go from here, I just know that something needs to change

[Croix]

Dear Tanya~

Welcome to the Forum. Not knowing where to go has lead you here - that's good. That's what we are here for.

You sure packed a lot of information in that short post - and I get the feeling that's just the tip of the iceberg.

You said:

I am feeling like my husband and kids would be better off without me, I get really irritated easily and don't really want to socialise at all

Well, I can relate as I said the same but more, including "it was my fault", "I was a failure" "things would never get better" -plus I was so tired and just wanted everything to stop.

If that sounds sort of familiar then you should know I was in the grip of depression - plus anxiety and PTSD. I though all those thoughts were mine - I did not realize depression warps the mind and body, making everything black and exhausting. I was quite wrong of course. My family would have been utterly devastated if I'd disappeared, my imagined faults were just that - imaginary.

If I'm on then right track then I'd do the following. Make a long consultation with your GP, set it all down and ask to be tested for depression and anxiety. See what happens. I could not climb out of an ever deepening hole without outside help. I could not even explain things in the surgery unless I wrote them all down first -including any embarrassing or frightening things.

Testing may lead to meds, a Mental Health Plan, psychologist, therapy and - for so many - relief.

Losing someone you love unexpectedly can change your life, make you - at some level - distrust a life that takes things away.

You mention being married and having kids. Is this a happy environment or full of problems. Do you have anyone who understands and supports you - your husband, someone else?

I'd suggest you do a bit of looking. Take some time to read about depression and anxiety in The Facts menu above. Also have a browse of these sections in the Forum here to get an idea of how others have handled similar situations.

You are at a most difficult place but have intelligence (can see from your writing), ability and probably now a path to take.

Please post again and say how you are

Croix

[startingnew]

hi Tanya welcome to the forums

i own horses too 🙂 they are pretty great arent they ?

and keep people very busy too might i add

yes i second Croix, id reccomend getting a mental health care plan and get some extra support as well

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Tanya, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I don't want to say I can't imagine what it would feel like, I don't want to say anything cliche like that, but I am truly sorry. Have you talked to someone about your grief or how you're feeling? I really think seeing your GP and having a chat about a mental health care plan may be the way to go. Seeing a therapist/psychologist really does help and may allow you to work out why you feel this way. I can guarantee that your husband and children would not be better off without you. A child and parent relationship is SO important and I know that they value you and wouldn't want you not to be around. Have you talked to your husband about the way you're feeling? Sharing can really help, especially if it's with someone who is close to us. It sounds like there's a lot going on in your life (which is awesome) and that your business and your secretary work is helpful for the community, I highly doubt the committees would be the same without you. Sending you love and wishing you the best.

[Tanya__]

Thank you for the reply, my husband is a wonderful man that is always supporting me with the horses and things I want to do. I can't understand why I feel this way as from the outside things look great. I do miss my mum and feel like not having her there for all those major events has affected me.

[Croix]

Dear Tanya~

Thanks for your thanks 🙂 Makes me feel appreciated.

I was lucky in one way, I knew the reasons for my illness, they related directly to my occupation. I'm not sure that a cause can always be pin-pointed otherwise.

Having a partner that is on-side is wonderful. My wife had to bear the brunt of housework, going to work (she was a nurse), looking after our child and looking after me. I owed her a great debt and would not be here without that support.

Of course you miss your mum. It can have a real lasting effect when this happens. No words of mine will help.

I hope you do go and see someone, as I said before I needed outside assistance to recover, I'd imagine most people do.

Croix

[Tanya__]

Thank you for replying, the horses are amazing and I am very lucky to have achieved some amazing results winning some great things at big events. I feel guilty going away for days at a time away from the kids. feeling like I am always trying to play catch up with work, business and all other things I have on my plate

[Tanya__]

Jessica, Thanks for the kind words and support, I unfortunately also went through post natal depression with my last child, I went though having a baby nurse out to me regularly, seeing a phycologist etc, Dr wanted medication but I wasn't sure that was for me as I really wanted to be strong enough on my own. I am a generous person who will do anything for anyone but sometimes this has it disadvantages as I feel that people take advantage, but I don't want to change that about myself. I feel silly bringing this up with my family as I really do have so much to be grateful for but I really do just feel empty inside. I just don't want to drag anyone down and I want my kids to have a happy mum and a mum that wants to go out places instead of staying at home.

I want to thank everyone that has made a comment on here with their advice, the support is amazing.

[geoff]

hello Tanya, and I am just so sorry for the loss of your mum, it's never an easy time, especially when you were so close to eachother but this loss will stay with you until you are strong enough to replace these sad thoughts with all the good times you and she had, although your sadness will still be there, so when you do have to go away from your children it's then reflected back to you by not being with your mum, and I'm sure to be back with them is a thrill that excites you.
Even though you seem to have everything you want, still won't stop depression, if you look at all the celebrities who have been successful but have suffered from depression is an example it can happen to anyone, so don't blame yourself, and as your kids grow up they could be there to support you at these events.
One big problem with depression is that it keeps trying to make you feel miserable, no matter how well you have been doing, and while you try and heal yourself your husband is still in the background, however you are involved in many committee's being secretary and that's an intensive job, so are you able to lighten up your load, or do you want to keep busy, because there is a fine line between these two. Geoff.

[Tanya__]

Geoff,

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words, I do have a lot on my plate but I really do like to help other people out and I find keeping busy keeps things a little easier and helps me from feeling sad and lonely. When I get to much time to myself I find that I spiral downwards pretty quickly. I have found all the comments that people have made on here helpful. Just need to remember that I am not alone.