Totally out of control.

[Flowerchild07]

My whole life has spun totally out of control. After battling, mostly alone, for more almost 40 years. I think I've tried everything anyone could possibly suggest to try to help me. Nothing has ever really helped. Every single aspect of my life has been ruined because of this dreadful, ugly illness. I don't even know where to start. I'm unemployed, single, no home of my own, no car, no money. Just on unemployment benefits and dragging myself through each day. I have sisters and a brother who are busy with there own lives. They love me and care about me but there's really nothing they can do. I am tired, so very tired of fighting. It's true, no one wants to hear about it. I've lost all of my so called friends because of this. What I hate most is there is nowhere to turn, so I suffer in silence my whole life. This only makes it harder to cope. If you asked me if I was suicidal, I would say no. I don't want to die, but that's because I don't want my family to suffer. Honestly, what I do want is to be sedated, so I'm still alive for them but I don't have to feel like this any more. I try to sleep the day away, but one can only sleep for so long. I feel like I'm out of options.

[Croix]

Dear Flowerchild~

You have had a hard time for a long time and that saps all will, energy and hope. You also say you have to suffer in silence, something that in itself is harmful, leaving one with the feeling either that one is a failure or the very real problems are of no account.

Do you mind if I ask you about medical help? Are you currently under treatment with meds and therapy? Sorry if I've misunderstood what you have said. Knowing your situation makes it easier to talk about things. I got nowhere until I had proper medical support.

The life you live now sounds very isolated, Just being on the unemployment treadmill is of itself a depressing and very difficult way to be, constantly being hammered down by rejections -or what is worse -silences.

Apart from treatments do you have other more personal support. You said you have sisters and brothers who do care. I'm not sure there is nothing they can do. I guess it depends a lot on expectations. I'll give you an example.

My son's partner unexpectedly passed away and he lived interstate. I'd be talking to him on the phone for long periods twice a day to start with. Over the following months the frequency and length of these calls tailed off. I used to dread them, as I thought here was nothing I could do and felt frustrated, useless and that I was letting him down.

Eventually I came to see just being there, no solutions, was a big thing. In later years my son said how those calls kept him going. With your family an expectation of not fixing things, of just listening - even putting in a little humor - might make all of you feel better.

I've also found that it can help to have a regular system of rewards and distractions to ease the days. Nothing fancy. Apart from going for a walk I read, and promise myself time out to do so. It works pretty well, transporting me out of everyday life and giving my mind a rest.

Is there anything you might do for enjoyment and release? Drawing, music, reading, gardening...?

It might be worthwhile to have a browse around this forum to see how others have coped

I hope you come back and talk more

Croix

[kanga_brumby]

Flowerchild we are on parallel train tracks here. The only difference is I have medical issues as well. My family are to busy with there lives to help prop me up. So seven days a week I have to try to fill it with something. I found doing volunteer work rely helped my mental health it also helped keep me physically fit as well. Plus it increased my chances of finding work through networking. Plus one night there was an employer at the place I was volunteering at. He saw me and offered me a job starting the next day. Only problem was it was on the other side of town and only public transport to get there. It was my dream job great pay no transport. Not even a push bike .

At least I was contributing to the community. Thats something not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. If I was just sitting around like I am now I feel useless. I have to participate join in help someone feel good.

Kanga