the Shadow of my existence

[Despirited]

It's 4 o'clock in the morning - the day has not even started.

I lie awake in my bed, gripped by the fear of the Shadow.

I feel its presence just lurking in the darkness nearby.

On with the lights, and look under my bed?

No, I don't want to see it. I don't want to find it.

I wish that Shadow away, but it taunts me and it tells me I will never be free.

The Shadow it owns me, for I am its slave.

Morning is coming, and I exist yet again.

Nobody doth like me, especially not I. Why would they, how could they, for I am so gray.

Held down by this Shadow in the darkness of despair.

I am so tired of this life, why must I be here?

Help do I seek in taming this demonic Shadow

At a time when I struggle to think straight, my mind but a blur.

Tangled inside, and lost in myself, must get back to the light, did I think

Away from that Shadow that plagues my soul and blinds my sight.

Before I am free, that Shadow doth return, takes me back into despair.

I thought I could fight it, defeat it and win. Thought I was better,

For I can see hope, and I feel the light, but I cannot defeat it

For confused is my mind; it is stronger than me!  It cannot be beaten, no the Shadow has won.

I must break free from this Shadow 

but I am too weak to defeat it

So I bow down to the Shadow 

and it keeps me down

I can't defeat the darkness, with anguish all consuming,

I just lay here and let the Shadow take me back to the Hell of my existence.

I am lost.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Despirited;

Thank you for providing this post and welcome to Beyond Blue.

That is a very powerful post and really quite haunting.  The Shadow is encompassing you while in bed and from what I can gather is strong enough to keep you there and not let you (a) go back to sleep;  (b) rest easily or comfortably;  and (c) be a prime force behind you not being able to get out of bed in the morning.

Not good stuff Despirited, as I’m sure you already know.

What mechanisms do you have in place to try and beat this demon?   Do you have professional support out there?   Any anti-depressants that you may be on??

Do you also feel the Shadow is there EVERY night/early morning, or is it there at certain times or worse at certain times?

Thanx again for posting and look forward to hearing from you again.

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Dispirited.

Neil has asked some good questions. Hope you get back to us soon.

I have a poem about my shadow I want to share with you. See if you can spot the difference from your superbly written one to my short one-

BLACK SHADOW

Single digit of hand

upstanding shadow of mine

telling me where to go

- and I do

Seeking escapism I run

he follows closely behind

my feet siamised

Last resort I make peace

two digit hand hoping

single digit reply

.....it must be the devil in me....

It was a poem written following depths of despair and in depression (when I can write poetry). It was a poem of acceptance- to accept that there is a devil (or demon) inside of me and that's ok. I no longer worry about that devil, he is part of me and he will remain. But I'll hold him down and constrict him. He will not win. He will be quietened with medication and gently sit in the corner.We need to see you at a point where you dont "bow down to him". A point whereby your shadow is managed.

We are here for you. We are listening. What an incredible poem you wrote. There is a poetry section here if you search for it.

Take care.

[Despirited]

Haunting. That is the space found where the darkness meets the light, betwixt the seen and unseen; why this is where the Shadow lurks. It does not punish every day, but the Shadow is always there, always waiting, silently for the slightest hint of a smile. At any time, should I not continually feel unworthy of what little life and existence it allows me to have, that evil and malignant  Shadow is ready to pounce and beat me back into submission; to lock me in darkness; and fill me with anguish.
This post, this day, the Shadow tormented me in the bed. Though I am unable to sleep, I am not awake; rather I am transfixed in that state between the two realms -- stuck in the nether between consciousness and unconsciousness. Wholly aware of my surroundings, yet paralyzed by the vivid continued presence of my nightmares. I am propelled forward by the presence of the familiar, whilst being restrained by the fear of the unknown. 
It is like watching life unfold through the clarity of an oil smeared window: cloudy and clear; hopeful, but not. I know that forward I must travel, for most days no one is there for me, there is just me. Once every few weeks I check in with a counselor for CBT, but for the other 13-20 days I stumble through life with eyes wide shut, and blindly hope that Shadow is busy elsewhere.
Take drugs I do not, for if I were to try that the Shadow would surely punish me. I would rather live meekly, walk blindly and exist on what I am able; than to anger that unforgiving demon of my inner self. I cannot run from it, nor hide from it, nor defeat it, for the Shadow is within me.  I cannot run from the Shadow, as I cannot run from me.  I cannot hide from the Shadow, as I cannot hide from me.  I cannot defeat the Shadow, as I cannot defeat myself.  No, the Shadow is within me, because the Shadow is me.
I can't push back the darkness, it takes too much energy, So I give in to the Shadow and its cold all consuming. I am lost.



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[AGrace]

Hi Despirited,

You certainly have a way with words, so I will not make an attempt at matching your prose.

I will say a couple of things a) A shadow is one of many things that cannot exist inside another, and b) There are only 2 ways I have found that one can eliminate a shadow. 1.Turn out all the lights - which would be a pretty bleak existence, or 2.Look towards the sun - which fills you with light and warmth.

The choice is yours my friend.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Despirited, a strong post from a strong mind, and this shadow has consumed your mind and body, where as you call it your shadow which is undoubtedly on a great reflection of what we call 'the black dog', or maybe nicknamed 'depression'.

Without a doubt it controls every thought, every movement or change in how we are allowed to think, so we are locked into it's path of destruction.

Yes, your shadow and/or our black dog is busy not only with you but with him, with her and then it jumps the queue to take control of that person, and then it extends it's power across the board to millions of other people, why should it stop, because it has no intention of stopping, it's having a ball.

Medication will only punish your shadow, it doesn't have the power to punish you when you decide to take it, it's incapable of having the strength to do so, so it actually has 2 major flaws, antidepressants and counselling .

It is impossible to run away from your black shadow just as it is us to run away from the black dog, it always keeps in tow, whether we have a shower, try to sleep, or even eat and what about trying to get dressed, we don't, we stay in the same clothes for weeks, we turn the light on but guess what it's still there no matter what.

So can I suggest that you go back to your doctor and even though you see a counsellor now but to get your GP to put you on a medicare plan which would entitle you to 10 free visits to see a psychologist, because your condition needs to be tackled in another way as well. Geoff.

[Despirited]

Ms AGrace:

* A shadow may also be defined as an ominous oppressiveness of sadness and gloom; it is in this context that I regard my master. 

* The warmth of the sun upon my skin does not abate the cold fears of misery.

Mr Geoff:

* To be "depressed",  by definition,  one would be suffering from both dejection and withdrawal. On tbe other hand, I may be very well "anxiously oppressed,"  whereas I am encountering distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. And that misfortune is manifest as the feeling of being heavily burdened, mentally or physically, by troubles, adverse conditions, anxiety, etc.

* To define the master as a dog, is almost to say that it is not me. But the master is me, it's just the cancerous and malignant part of me that oppresses the conscious me of normalcy. 

* The counselor (psychologist) is the same person. Yes ten visits; about once every five weeks. Sometimes the weeks feel like months. 

* Drugs scare me, they scare me more than the Shadow does. Not only the side effects, but the interactions with other medications and combinations of medications. Just too too much risk.

Mr/Ms Moderator:

* Thank you for your concern regarding my well being and safety. I guess my letters are quite daunting,  but then so is this evil that lives within me. Fret not, for I have no desire to engage in suicidal action, nor do I entertain such thought. 

* The dumbest thing I've done, was to empty my wallet and give my money to the homeless. Though I went hungry for a time, and probably lost some weight, at least those people were able to be happy. 

A stranger once asked me, "What do you like to do for fun?" I have no idea, I have no recollection of fun, of having fun, or engaging in an enjoyable experience. If I were asked,  'how do I occupy my time?' I'd likely of had a valid answer, but fun... such a foreign concept. 

[Mumof02]

Hey despirited 

had to write.. Your poems are really good, I usually just read through posts when I'm having a bad day.. Or a panic attack and need re assurance that I'm not alone or a freak of nature that has these weird episodes. And reading your poems they gave me a strange sense of calm, so thank you. I truly mean it.

reading further you sound like an intelligent person, what are you interested in? Apart from writing excellent poems 😉

i myself am a little Obsessed chemistry and biology.. Pretty much any thing science. If you looked at me you never would have guessed. But the science world is fascinating. 

Hope to hear from you soon

[Despirited]

What they are, my interest be, was asked by Mumof02,

It's been so long since fun was here, I really wish I knew.

Write I do in poetry, in rhyme and riddle and prose

as help me it does, to focus the mind and deal with my woes.

My least favourite day of the week, is easy to i-den-ti-fy

'Cause its the day whose name ends with the letters of D, A and Y

I am certain you know it, and I'm willing to bet...

it's the one that starts with a sunrise, and ends with a set.

Sunlight brings Shadows, night time does not

Daytime is frightening, trapped by the fears of one's thought

I prefer to live in the absence, the blackness and the void

Where the Shadow cannot possess me, its existence destroyed.

I yearn for return of the night

in the hours absent of the light

Where no Shadows be cast

'cept by the cars driving past

and we exist without fear without fright

And in the inky black of the dark

alone I walk in the park

'fraid I'm not diagnosed

and I live as a ghost

daylight sucks ... exclamation mark!

Perhaps I will return to the art, to sketch or even to paint

Make a picture of him, who all have deposed, a man who should be a saint.

by the Church he was dejected

as his acts, though divine, were evil infected

An disciple he was, but God's will will be done, so he acted without a complaint.

Perhaps he was foolish, this disciple named Judas

to believe in the man Jesus, because he was Jewish

for aeons on aeons he's remembered in strife

as a traitorous man who took his own life

but Judas Iscariot -- a selfless man was he

because of his acts, there is forgiveness by God for me

I spent all my time, trying to rhyme, with my back to the window

A new day has come dawn, and the Shadow is back, 

the words become muddled, my mind becomes slack

Return to despair, return to the fear, depression is all that I know.

I am lost.

[HA1]

Very sad, very true, very good.