Teenage daughter school reluctance/depression

[CAR]

My 14 year old daughter has been diagnosed with depression, which has worsened in last two months due to her bf of almost a year ending relationship and blocking her on every platform. Her school reluctance worsened last term and she started on medication which didn’t rectify but certainly made her a little better. Sadly two weeks ago she met a 16yo boy who is telling her everything she wants to hear while giving her access to drugs/alcohol. Two weeks ago, she didn’t return home after shopping as planned and we had to get police involved as she’d switched off her phone. We don’t know any of the kids she’s hanging out with as they’re from 30-60 mins away from home and obviously in different schools/years. The police went to meet daughter for welfare check and she said she’s not coming home, my husband took her mobile from her in frustration so we very reluctantly agreed to come home. After a week of making up to us, we agreed for her to go shopping with a girlfriend 8am Saturday morning. She did not return until 3.15pm the following day. We were worried sick but this time she did tell us she was safe with friends (turns out she was with bf). Police say there’s nothing can be done as crime not committed! That we actually don’t know but bf has sent me a photo of his bed with caption ‘who doin wat’. Husband said he’s taunting us as he’s lied to us since start about even being with daughter. Now her school friends have said she hanging with wrong crowd and don’t want to be around her anymore, this is pushing her further away and she’s now refusing to go to school. Both dad and I are at a complete loss. We spend time together, ferry her to and from work/school. She turns 15 next week and we always do something extra special for birthdays., some people say take everything away, some don’t. Police said taking her phone away won’t solve problem. It’s just heartbreaking at a time she needs her friends, they’re backing off yet some of them helped her deceive us about where she was anyway! 😭 

[therising]

Hi CAR

From one parent to another, I feel deeply for you. I can only imagine the stress you're under while facing incredible frustration and some fear.

Not sure whether your daughter's always been a kind of sensitive deeply feeling kid. If so, you could have a bit of a battle on your hands, given that boy and her new friends are doing everything to lead her to feel a sense of happiness or what she believes to be happiness. Btw, while I've had nothing to do with this boy, he's definitely grinding my gears based on what you say. He sounds like a smug little upstart. But enough about him. If your daughter's a real 'sensitive' or 'feeler' (someone who's sensitive to what she feels), leading her to feel what would bring her great joy sounds like your challenge. Competing with the 'happy' chemistry she may be feeling through drugs and alcohol will be tough (you don't know for sure if she's partaking in that stuff). Competing with the 'happiness' she feels through these people's words and actions will also be tough. She's most likely under the illusion such things are raising her spirits, when they could be interfering with her ability to gain natural, constructive and healthy highs, leading her in a more fulfilling direction. The question may be 'What can I do to raise her spirits and get her excited?'. While her past interests may not have been your cup of tea, can you think of any interests or passions she's gravitated toward in the past that could possibly shift her focus, even if it's just a little shift to start with? Has she ever mentioned anything you've dismissed as 'a phase' or 'a stage' but was actually a great passion that never got off the ground? Could be something that points to who she naturally is.

When I think about what I was like as a 16yo girl, which is going back a long way (as I'm 53 now), I was incredibly lost, I desperately wanted to happy, I was beginning to gravitate toward the wrong kinds of people who were into artificial highs (alcohol and dope). I had no solid sense of identity and it seemed easier not to speak to my parents rather than get in trouble from them or be judged by them or misunderstood by them. I'm good friends with them now, btw. My mum's one of my closest friends. I believe if my parents had have guided me toward what would have been a naturally soulful kind of life, I would have felt that. I would have been drawn to that and therefor drawn away from experiences that were basically better than nothing, better than being depressed.

In the words of Sun Tzu, 'If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles' (a take on 'Know thy enemy'). Perhaps it is best to know how this boy works. You might find his strategy is to lead your daughter to turn away from you. If your battle strategy is to come from a place that makes her soul sing, she will struggle to turn away from you. She may perhaps even find it impossible. How could you bring her to life on her birthday?

[quirkywords]

Car

the rising has written a very helpful answer. I was a teen over 5 decades ago and I found it very confusing as I was diagnosed with a mood disorder. My parents felt ashamed of me and were frustrated I wasn’t well and they thought I wanted attention. It was a hard time but I knew they loved me.

[CAR]

Wow this is an absolutely beautiful answer and I thank you for your time. I’m always offering to go to gym with her or shoot hoops as she loves basketball. I asked if she’d like to go grab some lunch and she said no but wanted to go to movies. Whilst not a great place for conversation she seemed really happy and a little chatty. I’ve definitely got this boy worked out, I believe he may have his own issues which is obviously very sad but irrespective of that, I don’t want him telling my daughter to open her bank account, get a new job and her own sim which is appears she’s done. There a very controlling side to him. But then he’s smart in front of her as he does the smile and ‘how are you guys’? Last two days have been another battle as her friends have all said they want nothing to do with her now so rather than try and guide her at a time she’s clearly in need, she’s been reaching out for help since separating from her first boyfriend, they’ve turned their back on her. She said she feels so alone …. Having said that she has been more receptive to chats with mum today 🙏🏻 

[CAR]

That’s such a shame, I’d like to think we’ve come a long way since then (still a long way to go though). I’ve worked in mental health unit, I know heaps of people needing help one way or another and I’ve always said to my kids that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Better to speak up than keep it all inside. I hope you have found a way to help now 🙏🏻 

[therising]

Hi CAR

I'm so glad your daughter's got a great guide, friend and mum in you. She's blessed to have you in her life, whether she's fully conscious of that or not. I imagine she's at least partly conscious.

It's tough raising kids, hey. Just as tough being raised by them. They raise us to become outside the square thinkers, based on their challenges we need to face with them. They raise us to the need to develop more compassion, more understanding, more patience, more feeling, a more open heart and the list goes on. It was actually through my 21yo daughter and 18yo son that I came to find my definition of love, true love. I recall meditating one day on the questions 'Why do I not feel loved by some people in my life? Why do I struggle to feel love for certain others?'. What came to mind was 'Why and how do you love your children more than anyone else on earth?'. I thought about how I always long to see them evolve, especially through tough challenges so they're not left suffering. I also thought about how much they've led me to evolve. Then it hit, love is found in evolution (in more ways than one). It is experienced through raising others and being raised by them. When talk of love is not enough, love is about action. To actively love and be loved is something that can be felt. When I met with my revelation, in regard to what love means to me, another revelation followed. To love our self is to actively raise our self through challenges, to evolve. The greater the challenge, the more self love and sometimes self compassion required.

So, for our kids, 'I will raise you to feel joy, I will raise you to feel some form of liberation, I will raise you to meet with and feel who you naturally are, how you work, how incredible you can be and I will raise you to know and feel, amongst so many other things, that you are actively loved by me'.

[Guest_45706525]

Don’t take her phone away, as a teenager who has completely left school, had substance abuse past, hung around the wrong people etc all at 13 i can promise you punishments will not work or change anything, she is struggling with depression so she just needs support. Not punishment because that will push her further