Supporting a partner who wants to do it alone

[Jess553]

My partner has slipped into a bout of depression. We've been together 4.5 years without anything like this happening before.  We were living together but he left to live at work 11 weeks ago.  He isn't comfortable talking about whats going on. He says no-one will ever understand. I am sure it's due to his mothers death 8 years ago. She was murdered in a dv situation and there was an incident a few weeks before his depression that spurred it.  He has entirely isolated himself from everyone and looks at me like I'm nothing. He finally decided to get help and has been seeing a psychologist which is amazing and I'm so grateful that he has sought help. But he still isn't coming home. He said he doesn't want to come home while he is in therapy because he feels like he wants to kill the first person he sees when he leaves. He says it's painful, and he doesn't want to bring that back to me.  I understand that as much as I can. But what really hurts me most is the lack of communication, intimacy and care on his part.  He has gotten better since the first few weeks. Msging me every now and again.  I get so pathetically excited if he asks me how my day is going which I know is sad but it gets my hopes up. He stopped being able to say I love you.  He hasn't said he doesn't, just that he feels empty, doesn't care about anything including himself. I ask if he's leaving me and he would say he doesnt know how he'll feel tomorrow or sometimes he says if he was going to he would do it by now.  On Friday he was able to say I love you again once, but was it because i gave him his birthday presents and was crying becausd I miss him?  But I swear his eyes looked red like he was hurting too. But am I seeing things where there isn't anything to see because it's easier for me? I could hold on forever, I love him so much. But is it normal for a person with depression to not be able to express love to their partner?  Is it likely to come back after he had worked through his anger in therapy about his childhood and mother?  Is he in his isolation and basically forgetting about me and our relationship because he's not there and we're barely talking except the good morning and good night I send him.  Im struggling with my own anxiety and depression as a result of everything. But any help I seek out suggests I leave or just look after me. But I want to support him and I want some reassurance that im not stupid for doing so. 

[yggdrasil]

Hi Jess553,

Playing an online game together sounds like a perfect idea! Have you had any more games since your last

message?

I'm so sorry to hear how painful it is not having your feelings reciprocated. It's especially painful after spending a long period of time with someone. It sounds like you have lots of different people around you giving you lots of different advice, so I don't want to add to that noise too much. At the end of the day it's you who has to make the decisions about your relationship, so I would trust to your own judgment. Maybe there are some strategies to help you make plan and make decisions? 

Do you ever write stuff down to help you think and plan? It's a glib suggestion I know, but I've found writing does help me organise my thoughts and emotions when I'm suffering with depression or anxiety, and facing very challenging and highly emotional situations. I find writing (or typing) slows my brain and emotions down. It also allows me to gradually revise thoughts over a long period of time. Also, something about putting thoughts on paper sort of "placates" my brain, and stops it endlessly ruminating.

When I was recovering from a very low place after my last relationship ended, I made a "mental health and recovery board" using the website Trello. Trello is a "project management" tool I was using for uni. It lets you make lots of different lists, add notes, reminders for the things you want to do, email reminders at key days etc etc. I found it very useful for organising my thinking, and planning the steps and decisions I was going to have to take to improve my situation. Using "project management" tools for mental health and dealing with a break-up probably sounds very, very weird, but I do think its helpful to impose a bit of artificial structure on your thoughts when other structures (like relationships) are under strain.

I really hope the upcoming week is less painful for you. Hang in there 🙂

yggdrasil

[Jess553]

HI therising, I think that you're right and it's an all consuming sort of anger.  I don't understand it because I haven't been in that situation before but if it's a 'thing' then that would at least comfort me a bit to know that this might be what he is going through.  But I just don't understand how it can be lasting so long.  My biggest fear is that he just forgets about our life or falls out of love while he deals with this anger and trauma because he's basically isolated himself from me.  He has told me though that he visited his Dad.  He doesn't even particularly like his Dad, he said he wanted to go for a drive.  I get that it's his Dad but I am hurt that he doesn't come to see me.  Like I'm not family.  But I don't know if I'm looking more into that than what I should.  Does he feel safe around his Dad because they aren't going to potentially 'leave' or cry or expect him to come home.  Or am I just not that much to him.  I just hate this not knowing and I wish that I could just reach him.  

[Trying_Optimist]

Hi Jess553,

I was wondering how you are? I am going through something similar (about to post my own thread) and hope you are doing ok.

[ecomama]

Dear Jess, I'm sorry your last post was left unanswered. It happens on the forums sometimes. 
I hope you know that you are a valued member of our community and you come back to let us know how you're going? 

Hi Trying_Optimist, beautiful name. 

To each of you this is a very difficult time. Clearly! 

It's so hard for the sufferer and so confusing for their partner. 

I don't have any definitive "right" answers for you, I'm sorry that no one really will. 
This is because each relationship has its own dynamic and each person can be dealing with this very differently. 

It's beautiful to read how supportive you are. 

A person suffering from deep trauma and potentially depression (and possibly anxiety+) can lose all perspective on their OWN lives - like entirely. 
Some times it's beyond their capacity to be thinking of others. Even the people most important to them, sadly even the people that love them more than anything. 

It doesn't mean they wouldn't love you without this crippling illness. 

We're here for you both / all. 
We encourage you to share as much of your stories you want to share. 

Please know you're not alone in this journey. 
We're always here, 24/7/366. 

Love EMxxxx
NB: HUGS! 

[Trying_Optimist]

Thank you. That means a lot. 

I don't want to hijack Jess's thread and have posted my own.