Suffering in (relative) silence

[Angelwings_13]

Hello all,

I'm very new to Online Forums, but would greatly appreciate the unbiased views of others.

I'm a mum of four young adult children, 45 years old, and have suffered depression previously post-natally, as well as on and off over the years.  In relation to my current diagnosed depression, it began in early 2007.  Up until about 6-8 months ago I was coping quite well, just on anti-depressants.  I also worked full time as a Senior Legal Assistant, and as a Civil Celebrant on weekends.

But now my world has come crashing down, and I'm struggling to make sense of it.  

Around the same time my husband started a new FIFO job, our 20yo started to rebel against my authority.  As a result, I found myself taking more and more time off work.  My employer found out about my depression.  In a rash moment one day, I emailed my resignation to him.  The next day I sent a further email requesting to rescind my resignation, as I had since reconsidered and recognised the decision had been made on the spur of the moment.  You see, deep down inside I loved my job, I had done it well for almost two years.

But my boss declined, and advised me he would be ACCEPTING my resignation.  Suddenly I felt the stigma of depression had reached out and touched me, quite literally.  My condition, I believe, was too hard for them to handle.  And with that, the one thing that kept me focussed and in touch with 'reality' was gone.   That was a month ago.  I'm still struggling to find a suitable role elsewhere.

But I also suffer a chronic pain condition.  You can't see it, so people don't understand it.  Three levels fused in my lumbar spine, three levels in my neck, including an artificial disc.   When I last wanted to see my neurosurgeon, I was told he had taken his own life the day before.  And now no other neurosurgeon will 'touch' me.  Pain management has only rendered a 'band aid' effect.  Even the strongest pain patches provided limited relief.

I recently changed GPs, who have changed my medication.  

So that's a 'brief' overview of my life!  I have a very close and supportive family, in particular my husband and parents.  But I struggle to really reveal my true feelings to any of them.  My GP has referred me for counselling, but I'm struggling to want to leave the house.  I'm constantly thinking about death (only my own), even though I try not to, especially at night!  I constantly cry, sometimes for no good reason.  I feel total hopelessness with my situation, my illness, my life.

Is this increase in my symptoms just the transition with medications?  I can't tell my family what's really going on, I'm too ashamed.  But I feel like the medication is having no effect at all.  My mood is still low, and I'm still in such a dark place.

The cost of regular doctor visits - as well as counselling - is quite prohibitive, which is another reason I probably shy away from seeking help.

I feel so alone, it's easier just to suffer in silence.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Angelwings,

Your 20 year old, with his rebelling, is just doing his job as a 20 yr old.

On the other hand having an ex- boss that doesn't feel able to grasp your reality seems absurd - you were working there how long ?  Talk about depressing.

I don't understand that there is only one neurosurgeon to assist with your pain.   When I was growing up in England it was common for people way outside London to come up for surgery as their own area didn't provide specialist services.  Did you check out other areas for a different referal ?   Seems amazing that the neurosurgeon you wanted killed himself/herself.  Very difficult for all.   And your expectation would have been sky high.  Hoping for substantial pain relief.

Maybe it's not just meds that are in transition but yourself too.  Flux.  Temporarily Out Of Order kind of thing.   Until there's a bit of hope flashing by to grab hold off it would be hard to feel anything by depressed, isolated, miserable, etc.

I was gonna suggest going back to your ex boss.  For anything.   Try and get some advice or at least a good ref.  Explain your sudden resignation once more if possible.  Or at least go in so people can see you are not a "naughty sick girl" that made life "so" difficult for the company by suddenly upping and going.    Work places seem to always think ill of people that leave.  It's a group thing.

Anyway, suffer in silence for the time being.  But maybe your GP can organise a Treatment Plan that give so many free psychologist visits.  In your position I don't see how the local GP can refuse.  But you have to turn up.

Adios, David.

[vip]

Hi Angelwings there are plenty of innercity mental health clinics that buk bill. I attended one for 6 months before i went off to a private psychologist. You really need to speak to someone as well the medication is not enough. I know medicare helps pay part of the bill as well. I have heaps of injuries also that I sustained after attempting to commit suicide metal plates pins in my legs hip pelvis . I regularly go for massages and 2 years ago joined the gym i do aqua aerobics light exercise this really helps the injuries too,  Just really push yourself and please speak to someone I wished i wouldve before all this mess happened to me you wil be surprised there are heaps of kind people wiling to help. Check out your local church too sometimes they may have a social worker you can talk too. Please continue with your journey of seeking help and look after yourself your number 1. Take care