stuck with it

[Shazzydazzy]

hey. So I post here now and again and read people's stories. I have a wife and I don't like sharing things. Like depression and bad stuff that used to happen to me. So I talk to people online about it and it makes me feel better. The problem is she's insecure. So when I talk to people about it I do it discretely. I don't want to bring it up with her and I don't want her to know about my old life. I tell people I can't remember anything from before I was 16. Anyhow she caught me taking to someone and immediately went ballistic. She doesn't like me talking to people online. up till 2 am getting blasted Because I won't share anything with her or take about it.  The thing is I don't want to talk about it. I just want anon people to listen and not judge so I can keep living normally. I don't want anything in my past to get dragged up ever. And I don't want to share. 

I guess I'm just venting but how do you convey to someone there's a part of you they will never know and you'll never share it with them. Without them feeling rejected. Especially when shes your wife. 

How do you explain to them how depressed you get and it's natural. They've had a perfect life. No medical issues. No abuse. No trauma. Like someone with PTSD I get angry at her when she wants to talk and I really don't want to. How would a soldier talking about what he did in the war and the things he's seen and had done to him help... it wouldn't. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I want to be normal but I'm being forced. It doesn't help that she's insecure and thinks I cheat on her even though I tell her I don't I just talk to people. 

And I don't want to tell her about how I talk to people and talk on forums because I don't want her reading the things I type mainly to protect her from myself Because I'm afraid she might leave me if she found out. I feel so ashamed I can't just be normal. 

[white knight]

Hi SD,

You are normal and men in particular have got some part of their earlier life that should not be shared. All it will do is cause upset. That fact is now spreading to females now too. One night stands and sexual exploration is common. Dont be ashamed. You were immature then and then is not now. People dont marry based on a persons past, they marry on the present and the future.

As for being online in the late hours, ask her if she'll like to join you in the activity. If you dont think that is appropriate then the activity isnt ethical. If she doesnt want to join you then she has had the choice. It opens the topic up for her to choose.

Relationship counselling might be in order.

Tony  WK

[JessF]

Hello Shazzydazzy, does your wife know that there are traumatic things in your past? Or do you feel uncomfortable even admitting that? From her point of view, if she doesn't know that there is something wrong, then your secretive behaviour as well as being up till 2 in the mornign talking to strangers online could appear very suspicious.

[Shazzydazzy]

Yer I ended up telling her. I told her she doesn't understand and never can and there's a side of me I'll never share with her.

I'll never be comfortable telling anyone I actually know about what happened. If she leaves me she leaves me. If she doesn't. That's good. Honestly I never ever ever ever will be close to anyone ever. Being abused isn't fun and you pretty much never trust anyone again ever. My first memories all of them are of being abused. I cant recall any memories before I was 15 without abuse.

She either understands and accepts it. Or she can go. I love her and all but I've never ever connected with anyone 100%. She's the closest person I've let in.

Before I met her I was about to move to the US and was just going to spend my life drifting Lol. I already worked. Saved a heap. got a great career where I never have to worry about money ever. I know it sounds terrible why be with someone you don't love. I don't not love her. I just won't feel bad if she leaves because I came to accept and understand that I simply don't make connections with people and never will.

I never want to remember those memories and I never want to share them with society or anyone around me because they arent me anymore. And it's shameful. But every now and again I get depressed and think about them so I share them And talk to people.

It's worked with her for 8 years so it's going pretty good I think. She said it feels like she doesn't know me. I said well... you don't.  I will never share that side or the past. It doesn't determine our future. I'm not going to hurt our kids if that's what's shes worried about but I'll never share with her what happened. also of course I'd never cheat on her. Doing its great and all but it's not like I'm some uncontrollable animal. 

It would look suspicious but I never want to share anything about that side of me with her because it's shameful. And has no bearing on the future. It's unproductive. I've never seen anyone else recover from trauma by reliving the trauma. so I'll keep it behind me and always keep pushing forwards forever and try to bury it with as many new memories as I can. 

[JessF]

That's totally understandable. Did you express it to her in the way that you did just above, as in you have a long history of abuse and to share it would just bring it up all over again? Reading your post above, I think you express the reasons why you don't want to share your history very well, but I wonder whether focusing so much on telling your wife 'you can't understand you never will' might put too much emphasis on what your wife can't do for you versus what she can.

Maybe in answer to her statement that she feels she doesn't know you, your answer could be, that you don't know yourself either because of your past, and that what you want most is to build a future with her, together? 

When you're online late at night, are you going to forums to talk about your abuse experiences? Or just general internet use because you can't sleep?

[White_Rose]

Hello SD

I read your posts with interest and some surprise. Traumatic events of this nature are hard to talk about. You mention soldiers not talking about their wartime experiences and I know many never revealed the horrors they encountered. As I understand it, not only were they reluctant to revisit such a terrible time but also did not want to traumatise their families.

Is this why you do not want to talk to your wife about the past? My husband was abused as a child. He never revealed many details, keeping all his pain to himself. The unfortunate part was his decision that he would be master in his own house and in doing so abused me. His attitude was that I was not there, would not be able to understand, and it was none of my business. Fair enough!

I'm not certain I wanted to know exactly what happened but it would have helped to have an idea. You see all through our life together I never knew what caused his various behaviours. Was it because of his childhood or was he a natural bully. I still don't know and now I no longer care.

I feel I was pushed away because I was not good enough. If he had explained to me it may have helped. No, he did not, as far as I know, talk to other people. Not even his brother and sister who were also abused. There was always a part of him that was kept separate and that's OK. We all have bits we prefer to keep to ourselves.

Do not be offended with my next comment. If you can talk to people online, why not talk to to your wife? You say she is insecure. Well so was I. Not because this was natural but because I was treated like a person of no account. You know what this feels like. It's dreadful, so why treat your wife like this? The one you say you love more than anyone else.

My husband would just shut himself away from me. It was the most hurtful experience of my life. This was abusing me.

I'm not suggesting you pour your heart out to to your wife. I am suggesting you treat her like a reasonable person who loves you and is loved by you. Tell her you don't want to discuss it and why. Not because she won't understand but because it hurts too much. Would you be happy if she had secret conversations about her past but made you feel uncaring by saying you would not understand?

You say the past is shameful and that's true. But you are not shameful, only the people who abused you. Trust your wife a little, test the waters. You are carrying a huge burden on your own. Let your wife help you even just by understanding a little.

Cheers

Mary