Struggling with weight gain

Gob · ‎17-08-2022

I gained some weight and I dont like how I feel about it I know its good but I feel sick with how my body and stomach especially look .I feel just like a vile disgusting lump of fat,I feel sick when I look in the mirror .I hate what I see .I dont know if I can handle gaining even more ( im trying to get up to my goal weight,I've been struggling with anorexia for 3rys and im trying to get better ) i just feel so hopeless right now ,im trying so hard not to restrict, think about calories, or track them .I feel like a joke writing about this ,but im not able to really talk about this to anyone .does anyone or has anyone gone through similar issue ? I feel like every day a step forward then two back .I cant win .I dont like feeling full but I have to be.or I starve feel great but slowly die.either way I feel like death and deserving of it .I just wish I could pause life for a moment ,just take a breath but I cant .I also feel awful for how I've treated my family I love them and im still alive because of them but right now I cant stand being near them ,I just feel emense emotional stress and shame when I'm around them .I dont want them to see this I almost just want them to forget about me so they can be happy .

Sophie_M · ‎17-08-2022

Hi Gob

Thank you for posting and sharing with us tonight, and welcome to the forums!

It's very brave of you to be so honest and vulnerable about how you're feeling and what you're going through - especially the struggles you're facing atm, trying to achieve a healthy weight gain, and all the associated feelings that go along with that for you.

We're very sure that there are other's here who have gone through very similar issues, and we don't think what you've shared is a joke at all - quite the opposite.

It's a complex and complicated journey that you're on - that we're all on, and we understand that sometimes feeling worthless is a part of that journey - feeling like a burden is a common feeling many of us can also appreciate (especially when we're sick and need to count on others a lot), even knowing or feeling that we are disapointing others is such an overwhelming feeling that a lot of us face in our mental health journey's as well...

However, your journey is your journey, it's unique and you're very valued, so we want to share some care, some support and look forward to hearing what the community have to share with you here..

We've reached out to you privately as well tonight Gob, just to check in with you - please check your inbox.

Just a reminder to call us at any time (24/7) to chat with one of our professional counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or to contact via webchat, please click here, if you ever want to chat or need extra support between your professional team appointments.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Bob_22 · ‎17-08-2022

Hi Gob,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out here. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through and I can't imagine how you feel with the stress and shame that you mentioned. Please know that you are loved and that you are worthy of love.

I don't have much experience with body image issues but I've had friends who have gone through this and it can be debilitating. From what little I gathered from them, the goal around treatment is not to reach a certain number on the scale but to learn to be comfortable with their body and having a healthy relationship with food, sleep and exercise. This sort of treatment is best done with a GP, psychologist and psychiatrist if necessary. Do you have a GP or psychologist that you see or can reach out to?

Please know (as you might already do) that there is also crisis help available if you ever need to talk to someone or having negative thoughts. The beyond blue webchat and phone line are available 24/7 (click on the immediate support button at the top right hand corner) as well as lifeline on 13 11 14. In addition to this, you can also speak to the professionals over at the Butterfly Foundation on 1800 33 4673 or through their webchat which is available from 8am to midnight. There are also some great resources on their website regarding body image issues if you were not aware: https://butterfly.org.au/body-image/health-not-weight/

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep us updated and I hope you can find some support here on the forums. 💙💙

Bob

Petal22 · ‎18-08-2022

Hi Gob,

Im so sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s hard.

I understand the feeling of taking two steps forward and one step back I believe this is part of recovery you will get there.

Your family love you and only want the best for you and to see you well.

I understand that sometimes we can feel emotionally distressed and shameful around our family but please don’t think for one second that they want you to fail they want you to win and you can.

I understand the feeling of wanting to pause life sometimes when we are in the thick of our conditions we can think to ourselves that we didn’t think this would be our reality in this point in time but it is.

Sometimes we can feel shameful for the ways we have behaved or because of our thoughts but please try to understand this isn’t your fault it’s the conditions.

Just keep going day by day things will get better for you.

What challenges us in life will only make us stronger.

Can I ask if you are seeing a mental health professional?

sparrowhawk · ‎18-08-2022

Hi there, Gob.

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. I want to assure you that there are people here who can relate to what you are experiencing, including myself. I live with anorexia, too, and know those feelings of disgust and self-loathing that come with weight gain, and the feeling of not wanting to be a burden on your family. Reading your words, it feels like I've written them myself.

Are you receiving any support at the moment, either through your GP or another health professional? If you don't feel comfortable reaching out to them yet, you could even try the Butterfly Foundation for anonymous support over the phone. I have called them a few times and they've been so helpful.

Weight gain is so difficult with anorexia, because everything in us is telling us that weight gain is bad and we're doing the wrong thing, or that there's no point to getting better. And then there's that strong sense of just not caring about recovery, and not wanting to put our family members through any more pain. I am so proud of your efforts. You have a clear goal and you're trying to recover, even though it's so difficult. That takes a lot of courage and strength.

You are not a joke. None of this is your fault. You are living with something incredibly difficult, and you deserve support and love every step of the way. For what it's worth, I'm sending you loving thoughts right now.