Over it.

[Tim25]

Why is life just work til you die? I have no desire to be alive, I work to live yet I hate the concept of both. I just want it to be done. I won't take my own life, but I don't want to keep surviving. I'd rather die now and let my kids have my meagre possessions and move on without me. Yet on I'll go til something ends me. Why? 

[geoff]

Hello Tim, it's awful feeling this way but that's what this illness makes us feel like, with little joy in our world and even if there is, we may only be pretending for the sake of our family, never the less it's really hard work.

We leave our possessions to our kids so they can benefit more in life, to try and make it much easier for them, although during this process they may suffer from their own grievances with the possibility of also developing a MI which we certainly don't want to happen.

From what you have told us, to survive in this complex world we need to provide money for the family, whether this is by an income or whether it's by benefits from the government, however, I'm not sure you are getting the help you need because the way you are feeling, may mean that you aren't able to look after yourself, and apologies if I have upset you, there was never any intention to do this, because at the moment if you continue to work, your situation could become worse, so I'm interested in your working status and if you can take some time off.

Hope to hear backj from you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, Tim25
 
You have been so courageous to make this post today. We are pleased you have chosen our wonderfully helpful and supportive community.
 
Sometimes it seems like life can become unbearable, when majority of the time spent is being at work. We were wondering, what kind of things do you look forward to doing on your days off from work, Tim25?
 
Apart from work, we can see that your children are important to you. And we worry how your children may feel if they were to lose you someday. You also raised a really good question – “Yet on I go until something ends me. Why?” We are curious as well on why life is worth pushing through for you.
 
Tim25, we understand this might be an uncomfortable time for you. There are services out there such as Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call back service (1300 659 467) who have trained counsellors to support you with these kind of thoughts. Alternatively, we have a 24/7 Webchat and phone service (1300 224 636) who you can speak with as well.
 
Welcome to our community. We do hope to hear back from you soon,
 
Sophie M
 

[sparrowhawk]

Hi there Tim, 

Your feelings right now sound very difficult. When you don't feel the value in your work, or even in your life, it can be very difficult to look forward and to see the goodness in it all. Perhaps that sense of "trudging along" comes from an innate desire to keep living - our natural instinct is, after all, to stay alive, and mental health conditions can prove a very big and very real challenge to that.

I would echo the advice of Geoff to consider taking some time off if you can. It might help you reset and spend some time doing things to recharge and relax. I also wonder if you have anyone in your life who could give you support or friendship at this difficult time. 

[therising]

Hi Tim

I feel for you so deeply as life feels so unfulfilling and depressing. It's not meant to be this torturous but the fact is it can be at times. At times it can be brutal and few of us are taught how to manage that.

Growing up, we're rarely taught how to manage brutal thoughts and a depressing perception. We're never really taught how to manage life in general really (beyond what's expected of us). A lot of what many of us are taught can be bs, putting it mildly. We're taught that jumping from job to job is irresponsible, a reflection of our instability and lack of reliability. The 'Goldilocks' attitude makes more sense; keep trying 'til you find what's just right. If most did this, you can imagine how employers would put more effort into keeping their staff happy. We'd be working because it makes us happy and we'd be getting paid to do it. I can feel myself being pushed to leave the job I'm in, Tim. I'm being pushed to become fearless. The job's enraging, stressful, dis-ease inducing. Not an environment I should be staying in.

And life, not sure what the heck I'm doing with it but it's feeling depressing to a degree lately. I can relate to where you're coming from. I can feel a number of factors depressing me yet I was never taught how to easily and fearlessly leave a 20 year largely depressing marriage (which I'm in the process of doing), wasn't taught how to get a feel for what energises me or what inspires me. Wasn't taught how to manage internal dialogue that's challenging or how to manage overthinking. When we can simply (unhelpfully) be told 'Stop overthinking. You're too sensitive. Life is meant to be hard' etc, to all that I say 'What the hell?!'. We're born to analyse (make greater sense of things/become more conscious), born to sense/feel our way through life and born to discover what works best, so as to create ease and a sense of flow. Without guidance in mastering what we were born to do, it can feel like we're trying to raise our self in what feel like impossible situations.

Then you can look around and realise 'No one's making this easy' and that, my friend, is a key revelation. Finding those who make our life easier is perhaps one of the greatest challenges we face. People who make it harder than it needs to be...they're a dime a dozen.