Struggling with depressive symptons

[Now]

How do you cope with symptoms that just hang around? They used to come and go and I'd feel not too bad. I have been working through a lot of issues with my psychologist, so maybe that is why they seem so persistent. Maybe I'm actually dealing with them ? I try to do mindfulness and breathing techniques but even this is hard at the moment. I seem quite agitated and I am so tired I just want to lie down. At a medication review by 2 different psychiatrists I have been told my depression and anxiety are due to my environment, my husband and mother in law, so I have been trying to be assertive and speak up in order to get my needs met, but this isnt really working. I'm told it is my issue, get over it or I hang onto things, things have been like this for years, but I feel I have got to the point where I have nothing left to give. I think about if I left and it feels like a weight is lifting. I just don't know how much more work I can do on trying to be assertive with my husband, mid June it worried me so much that my psychologist and I discussed not looking at the issue for 3 mths, but this hasn't settled me very well, it is constantly on my mind. Deep down I feel nothing is going to change, my marriage is my husband and I and his mother. Maybe I need to address this sooner and talk to my psychologist . I think the thought that I am keeping myself the way I am by staying in my marriage has got to me as well & it is making me feel down. It is hard as I have no family support and a son I need to consider. What if I leave and I make a mistake? To me my marriage was everything good and bad, I've done a lot of giving for 15 yrs and had to support myself with my depression and anxiety, pretend everything was good when I have been unwell. I am confused, overwhelmed and just want things to settle so I can think straight.

[Croix]

Dear Now~

I'd like to welcome you back, I remember yoou from early last year. At that time you had to undergo surgery for your spine, and I'm realy hoping it has cleared up and you are mobile and physically comfortable. Also the 'brain fog' or similar you mentioned has gone.

The mental symptoms, depression, are another matter. You have mentioned before how your MIL and partner seem to have a special relationship that excludes you. I can only speak for my own feelings but to be second in my partner.s affections and priorities would be so hard.

Can I suggest you give Relationships Australia a ring? (1300 364 277). They are sensible and experienced and if nothing else can give you an outside perspective and also waht is realistic.

Looking back now on those 15 years do you think leaving is teething you want or need? I know you have tried talking, but sometime that just gets nowhere, then you feel worse.

Looking at your capabilities they are pretty impressive getting to the level of studying for a Masters -complete or not -is a big achievement. Having to leave work through no fault of oyur own then getting teething welsh, even part time, shows a great degree of determination too.

Having child make things that much harder, however maybe it is time to get advice on your options, from leaving, to staying but having a life centered more on yourself, maybe study, maybe friends, but being a independent as possible.

What do you think?

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hi Now

Welcome back! As Croix has said, from all your posts (the one above and others earlier this year) you do show loads of determination. Getting a degree and studying for a masters is a great a achievement. Especially when you've been working in a difficult environment, living in an unsupportive environment and caring for a son.

You've asked - how do you cope with symptoms that just hang around? My thought is you answered your own question - you are dealing with them. As you've said see your psychologist and gp. By the sound of it you have a program which you're working through with the psych. Perhaps things are taking longer than you imagined.

Over the past 9-10 years I've learnt how to manage and to cope with anxiety and depression which has helped me to heal and to recover. However, I've also learnt is - managing anxiety and depression need ongoing maintenance.

Throughout your posts you talk about the relationship with your partner and mother in law. It doesn't sound a very supportive or caring one on their side. I understand how you feel. That sense of feeling rejected, not loved can underlie everything. Is that how you'd describe how you are feeling? Or is it more that you are really not suited for one another?

Feel free to browse and to join conversations in the forums that relate to your situation. There are a few here who have difficulties with their partners.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Now]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for replying. The neck surgery has helped. I need to keep doing stretches which has lapsed lately as I have felt so low, so am feeling it today, which means I need to get in and do it. I do need time to myself and to make more friends, I have been isolated. My son has Autism so it is pretty much full on for me there too, I am the main support for him. I will call the relationships line, but do you think if I was to put in place better supports for me in my home, it would help me to calm and re-settle myself & it wouldn't really matter what my husband and MIL did, because they are never going to change and he will never be able to support me emotionally the way I need it. The other thing is I have the opportunity of taking a low level Admin role, where I would earn more money and if I did separate, I would be able to support myself and son without any centrelink assistance. My study is on hold this trimester because I don't think I can cope with what is going on and to try and study and do my best, I think I am setting myself up to fail. thank you

[Now]

Hi Pamela,

Thank you. I think I have really struggled with my mental health since 2007 and it is only in the last 12mths after intensive counselling that I have begun to start to understand it. I managed with it and all the responsibilities on my own and then in 2017 once I resigned from the bullying, I haven't been able to get on top of everything, my son has Autism and I am his main suppport as well and it gets hard. I have posted a response to Croix, you may like to comment on it for me as well. The thing with my husband is I really don't know how I feel. It is like the support I needed and his constant unconscious pushing me away has sort of built up a wall between us, he doesn't think so, but I feel it and feel it is my fault. I remember when he used to make me smile but at the moment there is nothing, do you think starting to understand myself through counselling has changed me and how I see my relationship. thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Now~

Yes you need to do the exercises, I've a degenerative spinal condition and if I don't do what I'm suppose to it makes life worse -another thing to put pressure on, you have enough presume/stress already

You talk about setting yourself up to fail. As far as I cna see you are probably planning too far ahead.

By all means see if you can get more practical help at home, but waht I was trying to suggest is more life for you, your own interests, your own activities, your own friends ....

True with your son it is not gong to be easy but maybe there are some things you can do - what do you think?

As for an admin job, can you do that now with childcare? Apart from the financial side (I've no idea of your situation) it may give you insight into your own capabilities.

Again, what do you think?

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hi Now

Thank you for sharing more of your story. You talk of a wall that’s occurred between you and your husband. And you feel / think it’s your fault. I understand how you might think that as I too have had similar experiences. Though in reality and after talking it through with others - no one was to blame. It is what happens when we were going through difficult times. Communication was the key to our ‘working things out ‘.

You asked, has counselling changed you and how you see your relationship. I don’t know enough about you and your story to give you a definitive answer. What I would say is counselling definitely helped me to see things in a better way and gave me the strength to make better decisions for ‘me’ .

I liked it when you said your husband used to make you smile. What was it that he used to do but doesn’t do anymore?

Kind regards PamelaR

[Now]

Hi Croix,

Yes I do need to have my own life and need more independence, I am trying to but I find it hard. I was thinking last night what I might like to do & I think I need to start by visiting the markets on the weekends, at least it gets me out of the house. When school goes back I am going to call the relationships helpline, I feel a bit of a spark inside when I think of this, it makes me feel proactive. I feel I need to explore all options before making a decision. You are correct, it is sheer determination on my part that keeps me going at the moment and not falling into a heap. The only income I have is my job for 15hrs a week. The admin role is full time, which would enable me to support myself. I have done admin roles before. I would have to learn this as well & my mind is slow and I guess nothing is a certainty. My husband likes to spend money and even when we both worked full time we didn't really have any savings, but after he got a redundancy, we now only have a mortgage and just recently a car loan. When I left full time work and it was discussed that I would study full time, after the failed attempt at doing another part time job, he told me I would need to access my super in order to support the study and contribute to the family. I did do this and I used a small portion for study and myself, but 2 large amounts went on things he needed to paid, I can't even remember what they were. This left me with a very, very small amount of super and I think this has worried me because any large amounts of money I have had he has spent it. When I was pregnant I got a redundancy from a work place, he took control of it and spent it, I have had 2 previous inheritances; from my parents and grandparents; which again he took control of and it was spent. During these times I was quite vulnerable, I had an ivf pregnancy, my mum and dad got sick and died, i moved house multiple times for my husbands job and I was on my own with no support and now I am trying to pull my life together.

[Now]

Hi PamelaR,

I guess I am the type of person who automatically blames themselves, but yes, if anything both people have parts to play in a marriage/partnership and yes sometimes people grow apart. Counselling has enabled me to try and really understand myself and why I get caught up with things. I think the main difference between now and previous is I had family support and my mum to help me balance and normalise my husband and MIL's behaviour and she has now passed, as my father and it now it is me trying to get myself back together, through determination and trying everything I can before I honestly say, "there isn't anymore I can do that is going to help improve my MH in this relationship", I mean the other evening he said to me "you just need to get on with things" and "no I don't know how you feel", so this part of the trying to get him to understand has reached its end date. I need to learn to trust myself again, in my capabilities, my feelings and my psychologist is really helping me with this. I feel safe to express myself with her as I do with my GP, they don't judge me. My husband doesn't like me going the psychologist, refers to it as going to the "nut DR', nut centre or whatever else he might try to stop me going. This in itself shows he doesn't understand, but even if you don't understand something you don't have to be critical, everyone's different I suppose. I guess I am more stressed and have more responsibility with my son as well which makes a difference.