Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

[Bluebird46]

Hi,

totally not sure where to start. On the outside I have it all together but inside it's all in pieces. I'm very functional but am about to lose it as am at the end of my tether. Been to doctors and told have anxiety and depression - can't take time off as am self employed and professional career. Even though I have found love he has his own issues and the only thing that brings me comfort is my cat

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Bluebird!

Thanks for writing back, and sharing more about yourself. Becoming so responsible at such a young age can be quite difficult, and I understand how that may affect how you express yourself.

I might recommend a modification to a diary entry:

Each day you write one thing you enjoyed (or more if you like). Quick, brief sentence. Followed by one reason why you felt you enjoyed it. This can be a daily routine, that doesn't require a lot of detail, but just the skeleton-base of the thing you're writing about.

On days that are more difficult:

Still stick to the routine of at least one enjoyable thing, plus the why and how (it may be smaller, like enjoying having 5 minutes to yourself for a coffee, or calming down in the shower and so on). But also write down one thing that made you feel pressured in your life. Similar format: briefly what it was, why it is bad/difficult, and how it makes you feel. With this, we add a few more steps: being 3 sentences about the difficult thing. One sentence describing the worst case scenario of what it means for you (e.g you feel really down because you feel broken inside - the difficult thing), you might say 'well the worst case is that I remain sad, don't find out who I am or how I feel inside, and continue to struggle.' Second sentence is the best case scenario; 'well I felt sad, but I won't be sad again, and I will feel confident, certain, and happy of who I am inside, just as I may appear on the outside.' Third sentence: the most realistic case; 'I feel down today because of how I feel inside, but this doesn't mean I can't figure it out and feel better in the future.'

That was a really broad example, but it can be towards something specific like getting a cold.

By all means, take this only as a suggestion from someone who cares about you. I recommend it because it may work better than you believe. But obviously if it doesn't work for you, that's completely fine.

Hope to hear from you soon. All the best.

- FC

[Bluebird46]

Hi FC,

what is your background? Are you a counsellor/psychologist? I'm not questioning you but it seems like you have a lot of experience.

I had my psychologist appointment today, which was pretty draining, followed by an X-ray and ultrasound of my shoulder - showing bursitis which has been giving me slot of pain lately. I also had a call from my regular GP regarding gynae follow up which has been on my mind and looks like will continue for a while (albeit not dreadful but still a little worrying).

my brother called me too which was lovely as I gave been feeling lately like I am the one putting in the effort with my siblings.

on the whole am feeling a bit better today, but I know I have to work on things.

I really find it hard to balance my professional life with this though. My livelihood depends on showing a strong image.

I have a huge week next week work wise and a hospital gynae appointment - I'm thankful my man will be here and I have told him some of how I'm feeling but I'm still worried

D

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Bluebird,

Apologies for the late reply.

Currently I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist at Monash University. General background is I'm from a family filled with lots of conflict. However I do love everyone in my family because each has something I truly admire.

My experience used to come from intuition (just how I generally thought about people and problems), and I used to get as involved as I could in listening to people when I was younger. It was incredibly gratifying when I noticed it helped anyone. It wasn't long until I saw psychology as the perfect career for me. Now that I have more legitimate knowledge to ground my reasoning in, I've only found connecting with people even more gratifying. I guess it seems like I have more experience than I do because I think I may just have 'a good feel' for where the problem comes from with people.

Enough about me though!

You say your psychologist appointment was draining. Did it give you what you were looking for? Was there anything that stood out as unexpected, or particularly useful? Is there a follow-up planned in the future? Obviously you don't have to talk your confidential appointment. I only ask because it seems it wasn't as useful as you hoped.

Sorry to hear about the X-ray and ultrasound (at least those can be fun to look at), and the gynae.

Working on yourself is fatiguing. I'm sure you've got quite the 'to-do' list (professional commitments, family obligation, medical/psychology things to work on). They all have an impact on our energy, at least mentally speaking. It's a good thing that you've noticed it having an effect on you. It's also good to hear you're feeling a bit better! It's important to note the positive realities happening around you, and find them in what we do. Fatigue doesn't have to be negative, or even considered a set-back. Like in exercise, when your body is tired, it is also training to be better, even if it doesn't feel like it initially.

From what you've shared with me so far it seems you're quite a rational person. In knowing that the strong image that people depend on you for is wavering from the fatigue you feel from your commitments, I believe you could just as well know that you are still strong, despite the pressure on you, because it is only temporary. Once you've worked through and recovered some space, you'll feel completely different.

Once more, apologies for the late reply. Do continue to let me know how you're doing if you feel comfortable.

Best wishes

- FC

[Bluebird46]

Hi FC,

I did sort of figure you had some psychological knowledge - apart from that knowledge you do exhibit a lot of compassion. You need to take care that you look after yourself too!

My appointment was draining, but because I think I opened up about "stuff" - obviously it was the first appointment and I do have a follow up.

I have spoken to my partner about how I am feeling but am still unable to totally explain it. I went for lunch with a group of girlfriends yesterday and my friend asked me how I was and I was totally unable to say and just said I'm good. I have told a couple of them but I sometimes feel that it's easier to just put on a brave face.

I am a very logical person - but am not in the best place - I wrote a text to one of my sisters today because I read our texts over the last few months, and it's always me making contact. I have always been here for my siblings but have started thinking that it's one way (apart from my brother). I didn't send the text because I love her and I know that my mind is playing a few tricks on me at the moment and it's hard to make up when there is 12000 miles between us, but when will it be my turn to be looked after?

I have been so homesick but the last trip made it worse, I wanted to go home at Christmas but I don't think it will help me.

D

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Bluebird, thanks for the reply.

I'm glad you've started to open up with your psychologist. Some people expect to leave a session feeling relaxed an invigorated, but is often not the case. Therapy is like any other process of taking care of yourself; it's not usually fun or satisfying, but is simply, work. Opening up being something you're not used to can take a lot of effort. However I'm sure soon enough there will be some noticeable benefits from it.

Regarding your siblings:

It seems almost customary to accept that once we've grown up, we separate and move on. The 'lucky' people stay close and have continued family relations. I'd advise that if this is the case for you, or your family, that someone has accepted that separation is just the nature of growing you, you can definitely say otherwise. By no means is it necessarily customary to separate or break close relationships with family. It may feel awkward, if we even somewhat believe this custom to be real, but asking your family members to stay closer and put in more effort to caring for each other might have a better result than you think. I know it may be particularly important to you, because otherwise trivial catch-up texts may not let you feel free to share like you would like to with loved ones.

I'm sorry that returning home makes you feel sick, would you like to elaborate on this more?

- FC

[Bluebird46]

Hi FC,

I’m sorry I didn’t reply, I thought I had, but haven’t been on the forums recently. I have fallen out with my eldest and having relationship struggles as well as Christmas .

The homesickness is a bit ridiculous - have been here many years but when I moved here was to give my marriage a fresh start and my ex had been badgering me for many years to move. My ex wasn’t close to his family so with hindsight I should have stood my ground as I am close to mine. I decided to try and save my marriage and have an adventure but my mum died unexpectedly after we had only been here 2m. My kids were only 9 and 3 and he promised me we could move back if “we” didn’t settle. He really meant if he didn’t settle but he had a great life, a wife who did everything for him including money managing.

So I tried to make the most of it, and I really thought I had. I went to uni, got a degree, set up a business, have done the best I could for my kids, fell in love with a wonderful man, but am still feeling like I am homesick. I feel like I’m trapped. My kids are unappreciative, I struggle with my partners kids because I have zero patience. My partner loves me but he is pressuring me to commit to him and his kids and I am struggling to commit to my own well being as I drink too much and am bad tempered and can’t concentrate. What do I do? I’m at a loss

BB