Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

[Bluebird46]

Hi,

totally not sure where to start. On the outside I have it all together but inside it's all in pieces. I'm very functional but am about to lose it as am at the end of my tether. Been to doctors and told have anxiety and depression - can't take time off as am self employed and professional career. Even though I have found love he has his own issues and the only thing that brings me comfort is my cat

[Mia001]

Hi Bluebird,

First thing I want to say is a big welcome to the forums! It must have taken some courage to post for the first time. Good on you for reaching out! I'be found it a very caring and supportive community here, with a lot of wisdom to share. I really hope it's the same for you.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now. Please tell me if I'm wrong: You haven't said much, but I'm guessing you bottle up your feelings and try to not to let it show. It takes a lot of energy to keep that mask on. Sorry to hear your love has issues too, is there anyone else you can talk to, a friend/family member perhaps?

Its good to hear that you have been to a GP. If you don't mind me asking, are you seeing a counsellor/psychologist at te moment? If not, maybe it's something you'd think about?

If you feel you need to talk to someone maybe try the Beyondblue helpline 1300 22 4636. They also have an email and online chat.

Another cat lover! I have a cute ginger girl named Sundara. What's your cat called?

I hope I haven't asked too many questions! I would love to hear from you if you feel comfortable speaking more. I'm always happy to listen.

Take care,

Mia

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Bluebird,

Welcome to the forum. Hope I can give some useful advice. Most importantly, I'd love to hear more about yourself, if you're comfortable sharing.

For a better idea of where to start: feel free to give us a description of yourself, maybe what your home and work life is like, and some background that might be related to how you feel.

On to what you've shared with us: I'm sorry you feel pressured by what's on the outside, and torn on the inside. It seems that there is a reason you tend not to show what's beneath, and feeling this way can offend an array of emotional strains (isolation, rejection, neglect, helplessness). Posting here is a great start, and knowing you have love is fantastic. I'd love to know more about him and yourself.

What may help is seeing a psychologist, and mapping out what's troubling you inside. Or rather; to address the pieces inside, scatter them out in the open. An easy way of starting is getting it all out there, so we can see what there is. This may make coping with what you are worried about much easier once you can see it.

I hope to hear more from you soon BB!

I too have a cat, ginger king named Patrick, total legend.

- FC

[geoff]

hello Bluebird, and I also want to welcome you to the forum.
When you start to get depression/anxiety it's makes you want to pretend to others that there's nothing wrong going on, where in fact you are struggling like hell but don't want to give the impression that there's anything wrong.
It may even be automatic as soon as you step outside your front door, on goes the fake face and smile on cue, but eventually it becomes too exhausting and then there can't be any fake facade.
Working for yourself and when you are alone you can't do one simple task,it's too much of an effort so the job doesn't get finished, and then when it's expected to be finished by you have to say 'not yet', and by saying this it does relieve the pressure, but the job stays unfinished.
I'm not sure whether or not you are taking any medication and if not then can I suggest you ask your doctor.
It can be very difficult when not only you but also your partner is suffering from some sort of depression, which I'm really sorry for you. Geoff.

[Bluebird46]

Hi Mia,

Thank you for your kind reply. I definitely do tend to bottle up my feelings until such time as I can't any more, and then I become quite irrational.

I do have another doctors appointment tomorrow and will see a psychologist this week too.

Everything seems like a huge effort and I feel like I'm going round in circles.

My cat is Mickey Mouse and he is a rescue ragdoll. He is my affectionate boy and I am thankful that I found him every day. I often wonder what his previous life was like and how he ended up as a stray at the RSPCA.

I'm sorry - I don't really feel like writing any more today - there are a few others who replied too but I just don't feel I have the energy at the moment.

[Bluebird46]

Thank you FC,

I got a few replies and replied to the first one initially but was exhausted after that.

I don't know where to start with your questions, I have been used to not sharing feelings pretty much for my whole life really, but I should be seeing a psychologist this week. It isn't the first time I've felt like this.

I love my partner - he is wonderful but I'm struggling, particularly as he he has 2 young kids (aged 10 and 12) who I am finding it very difficult to deal with (what seems to me like) frequent sulks and tantrums. I feel like I can't deal with them on top of this.

D

[Bluebird46]

Hi Geoff,

thanks for your reply, I did read it this morning and it made a difference to my day.

I have felt like this before, and have been on medication before, will be trying not to this time as it made me feel wretched. I am seeing my doctor again tomorrow and hope that will help, along with phychologist appointment.

thanks Geoff,

D

[Forest_Critter]

Hey D,

Thanks for replying. No need to worry about late replies at all. Reply only if you feel like it.

Also no need to worry about how much you share with me. I am not here to judge or pressure you. And I can talk about whatever you'd like to share, the amount of detail is always up to you, and I'm happy to do so either way, because I just like talking. 🙂

I'm no stranger to bottling up my emotions, opinions, and behaviour. I grew up in a household of constant fighting, where I was a bystander to all conflict, and my opinion or feelings meant nothing. I can definitely understand that in your position, letting out what you feel is difficult with what is already there (children throwing tantrums and basically being children), and then the more bearing feelings of being an ensemble of scattered pieces inside, definitely can make things complicated, and make one feel isolated.

Still, your good news is the same: doctors appointment about discontinuing medication, or an alternative; and seeing a psychologist to map it all out a bit to address the things on your mind and weighing you down.

One bit of advice I can give is regarding the benefits of expressing yourself. Doing so can have marked benefits to your well-being, and specifically for you, expressing yourself may make clear some of the angst and confusion you mentioned. I recommend keeping a diary, or even posting a reply here (if you like). Doesn't have to be extensively descriptive. Just a few brief comments on your day, and how some of the things you did made you feel. The burden of solving problems doesn't belong in the diary, and will therefore keep the focus of the diary entries on how you feel. Alternatively, you can make a diary entry at the beginning of the day, writing about the day before.

From writing down these raw feelings of yours, in time, you may find you have consistent feelings about what is happening in your life, and provide an understanding of the kinds of things you enjoy, and value. Additionally, things you dislike, or believe warrant change, may become more clear.

I'd still like to hear more about you, if you'd like to share. I hope I was able to help, and that you'll be alright.

Take care D.

- FC

[Mia001]

Hi Bluebird,

Its great to hear from you again! Please don't feel pressured to reply right away, it's entirely up to you. I can relate to that as there have been times I've wanted to reply but haven't been able to find the energy and focus to do it.

Glad to hear about your appointment with GP today, and upcoming one with psych. Wishing you all the best for both!

Mickey Mouse sounds gorgeous! Ragdolls are so cute.

Take care,

Mia

[Bluebird46]

Hi FC,

I grew up as an oldest sibling in a family where we had much love but all the emotional ups and downs of an alcoholic parent. I spent years protecting my siblings and calling the police when there were regular physical altercations.

i guess I never really understood that that is probably why I keep my feelings bottled up.

Not sure about keeping a diary.. last time I did it, it largely led to me leaving my ex husband of 21 years after recognising long term patterns of unhappiness. I felt that I really tended to write down most of the negative issues but didn't feel the same urge to write happy feelings!

D