Stopped taking anti-depressant, mood gone down

corbeau · ‎06-03-2015

Hey everyone. A bit of background on me: had first ever appointment with psychiatrist in January, he said I have mild BPD and also prescribed me medication for depressive feelings. He also referred me to a psychologist. Had a few appointments with psychologist, found he wasn't going in a direction I felt I needed to go in (focusing entirely on phobias and social anxiety which aren't the problems I came to get help for) so I have stopped going. Was feeling good on medication, was as upbeat as I can be and had no suicidal ideations. During this time I had no job and was running out of money so that's a time that would normally trigger bad thoughts, and I weathered it, remarkably. Due to having no money I couldn't afford to get my script filled and haven't been taking it for over a week. I started a full time job nearly 3 weeks ago, got a car and have started learning to drive, and am moving to a nicer house this month, where I can fulfil my dream of getting a dog. Yet the creeping thoughts of loneliness, helplessness, sadness, despair, uselessness and thoughts of suicide have crept back in and tonight I have been crying in the bathroom alone and picturing a world without me. I feel so lonely and isolated from my family (they live an hour away) and down and out. This is exactly how I have felt for a long time and why I sought help. So I am beginning to realise, that even though things are, on paper, 'looking up' for me, that I can never be happy. My own brain will not allow me to be happy. This adds to my sadness and despair and wondering what is the point. I need to get my script again, and I see that maybe I can never live a life without some type of anti depressant. Even though I don't have major depression, a persistent low mood and patches of feeling worthless and suicidal is a big deal to live with. Is a life on anti-depressants a life? I feel like I have been burdened with this brain and I'm so lonely, yet know that being near people won't cure that loneliness. It's a bad thing. Anyway this is a huge rant, I guess I want to hear from people that it IS possible to have 'a life' when your own brain is working against your happiness. Thanks and sorry for the rant.

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White_Rose · ‎07-03-2015

Hello Corbeau

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanks for talking to us.

I think in part you have answered your own questions. Now that you have an income please restart taking your antidepressants (ADs), especially as you found them helpful.

Have you returned to the psychiatrist since you were referred to the psychologist? If not I suggest you make another appointment and discuss the outcome of your conversations with the psychologist. The psychiatrist had a reason for referring you to a psychologist. Just because you did not 'click' with this person does not mean you should stop. Ask the psychiatrist what he/she expects from both you and a psychologist. Ask for a another referral to a different psych.

Depression is an insidious illness and plays havoc with our brains. We believe we are useless, unworthy of anyone or anything and desperately lonely. This will not last but you do need some help. Another trick of the brain is make us believe we will always be like this so why bother. Definitely not true.

So many people on this website can relate to the way you feel and can tell you it will go if you work at it. ADs are not a life sentence and neither are they something to be ashamed of. I felt exactly the same and fought against having them for a long time. Yes I would rather not be taking ADs, but then I would rather not be taking any kind of medication. Use what helps and rejoice it is available.

I hope you realise your dream of having a dog. Dogs are such wonderful companions and of course you get some exercise taking the dog for walks. Exercise is good for depression so get out into the fresh and walk or whatever exercise you enjoy. Will your new home give you a garden? If so start planting. It's great seeing things grow because of your care. If there is no garden grow things in pots.

I look forward to your rely.

Warm regards

Rosslyn

chiwowa · ‎07-03-2015

hi this is my first post,i feel that its still a stigma in the outer community to a big degree,i live i see it and try to hide myself in it,i have suffered greif since i was 4 yrs old,and my first breakdown i was 7,and im now 55 and still dealing with it,and on my own.i got into drugs and thought what i was feeling i didn't know,but when the drugs stopped over 25 yrs ago,i knew what i felt it was depression,anxiety,ptsd,i now face the health system on being prescribed any medication as i took drugs socially over 25 yrs ago,how am i doing,not good,i have read a lot of posts tonight and i have felt a piece of them in me each and every one,i hide in my house and world out there as soon as i go to open the door and see life i close that door again,i was on medication for a while and it helped but my identity was stolen and who ever stole that took my dignity my honesty and a lot more from me,so for me as i have no family life is very grim,i wake up with the black dog and go to sleep with the black dog,it comsumes me 24/7.i don't know what else to say but maybe there is a slim chance that there is someone out there who knows how i feel,but all that i have said is a tiny little pebble on the great ocean road,there is so to much to write,but saying that i hope you all have a wonderful evening

geoff · ‎08-03-2015

dear Corbeau, congratulations for getting your job.

You ask the question ' Is a life on anti-depressants a life', well I would have to say for me, absolutely, because if I miss a day from taking them I fall into a heap, all my negative thoughts come back, so I feel terrible, but as soon as I take my AD I come good within an hour or so.

I will be taking my AD probably for the rest of my life as I've been on them for 20 odd years, but have overcome depression for about 10 -12 years but I'm not going to take the gamble nor would my doctor allow me to stop. Geoff.

White_Rose · ‎08-03-2015

Hello Chiwowa

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanks for posting. I think it's good to read other posts because it helps to know you are not the only one living with depression. Everyone has their own story and everyone reacts differently to depression. But as you have read, there are elements of of each person in everyone else. And we all agree that depression is a terrible beast.

I feel so sad for you that you have spent so long without help. Have you talked to your GP about this? Have you been referred to a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist? If not then this is your first step.

I would like to talk more with you but not on this thread. Can you start your own thread on the Depression forum and I can reply specifiaclly to you.

Look forward to reading your thread.

Mary